Piu tardi
Lately I spent all my time alternating between anger and despair, over family, over people I have known, over stupid men in malls and at cafes near the Kimbell. It was like all the light went out of my world. I was tired all the time and found myself phrasing things in old ways. The worse I felt the more I pulled into myself, the less able I felt to pray. It was a really bad week. I wanted someone to throw me a line, but I wouldn't accept one from anyone and even if I had, it wouldn't have helped. I knew that, too, but I was much too lazy to do anything but wallow in my own filth.
I couldn't sleep last night. There were lightening storms and I had odd dreams. Book-dreams. When I got up today I decided to take a long walk, without music, and talk to God a little. I was tempted to say that I rejoiced because He came back to me, but I know that I finally shelved my selfishness and returned to Him. I walked at noon, when I cast no shadow and the sun beat down on me. I walked for miles in the heat, listening to the trees breathe. "I felt my soul grow."
Tonight I was still angry, for various reasons. But I let it go. Sometimes I (really, really) want to stew in my anger, it's an oily kind of good feeling, but once I've made the painful decision to back down I feel even better. It's so damn difficult to do! I was also still exhausted- why don't I ever sleep?- but I had time to read. I still ran errands, helped with dinner, cleaned up.
Then I went over to the window when I was cleaning the kitchen and saw a shower. There was not a cloud overhead and the sun was still hot, but all this water was streaming down in front of me. I ran outside barefoot and stood in the rain. It was a gift, the clean smell and the light that caught on my shoulders and in my hair. A roadrunner ran into our yard and stopped in front of me, and I felt like I'd lost ten pounds of baggage.
My dreams are swinging pendulums. Do I want stability? The warm feeling of things growing under my care? I am not settled enough for that, too prone to wandering. But I do not know if I am the hunting type, either. Can I be both, can I have both? If I choose the latter, am I chooseing a life alone? I wish I didn't feel like I was tearing myself apart to reach higher; I cannot stop stretching, but I have the crappiest sense of balance.
I couldn't sleep last night. There were lightening storms and I had odd dreams. Book-dreams. When I got up today I decided to take a long walk, without music, and talk to God a little. I was tempted to say that I rejoiced because He came back to me, but I know that I finally shelved my selfishness and returned to Him. I walked at noon, when I cast no shadow and the sun beat down on me. I walked for miles in the heat, listening to the trees breathe. "I felt my soul grow."
Tonight I was still angry, for various reasons. But I let it go. Sometimes I (really, really) want to stew in my anger, it's an oily kind of good feeling, but once I've made the painful decision to back down I feel even better. It's so damn difficult to do! I was also still exhausted- why don't I ever sleep?- but I had time to read. I still ran errands, helped with dinner, cleaned up.
Then I went over to the window when I was cleaning the kitchen and saw a shower. There was not a cloud overhead and the sun was still hot, but all this water was streaming down in front of me. I ran outside barefoot and stood in the rain. It was a gift, the clean smell and the light that caught on my shoulders and in my hair. A roadrunner ran into our yard and stopped in front of me, and I felt like I'd lost ten pounds of baggage.
My dreams are swinging pendulums. Do I want stability? The warm feeling of things growing under my care? I am not settled enough for that, too prone to wandering. But I do not know if I am the hunting type, either. Can I be both, can I have both? If I choose the latter, am I chooseing a life alone? I wish I didn't feel like I was tearing myself apart to reach higher; I cannot stop stretching, but I have the crappiest sense of balance.