(no subject)
in her email, steph kindly let me know that i haven't been the best at updating this lately. and, for reals, the lame reason to explain my lack of updates is that my nails were too long and typing was too much of a hassle. scouts honor.
the past few weeks of phone conversations with cody have been odd. i'm insanely craving attention, affection, anything. and. he's back to his practical self. my 'i miss you's are answered with "well, it's not too much longer," and my 'i love you's are met with "pshaw...yeah? well...you know, i love you too."
interesting, though, he came out and apologized last night for the way my 19th birthday went down. he minded up going to a football game because, honestly, when the opportunity came up that's what HE wanted to do - no regards to me and my birthdya. and honeslty, it bothered me at the time and still does to a point (especially when he makes such a big deal about his own birthday) but having him come out and say something about it made me close to furious. especially when he told me, "yeah, we went to the game cuz that's really what i wanted to do and i was too broke for anything else."
and. irritating as it was at the time, it was never a really big deal. i had fun. i spent my day with his buddies instead of him, and he didn't treat me like a princess.
i think the distance is just getting to me now. fuck. typing is making me angrier. is this understandable, though? it was my ONE special day a year and, granted, i had a decent time, but he conciously did something FOR HIMSELF on my day rather than for me. and. yeah. he's trying to make up for it now, telling me that he owes me and what not. but. ONLY NOW? why did he wait this long to say anything? it was like a punch in the stomach. i do so much for him. i send him things i know will make him happy. i tell him what i know he wants and needs to hear. and. what do i get? nothing. a fucking football game for my birthday, and paying for MY OWN birthday dinner, which included two of his friends. FUCK.
the past few weeks of phone conversations with cody have been odd. i'm insanely craving attention, affection, anything. and. he's back to his practical self. my 'i miss you's are answered with "well, it's not too much longer," and my 'i love you's are met with "pshaw...yeah? well...you know, i love you too."
interesting, though, he came out and apologized last night for the way my 19th birthday went down. he minded up going to a football game because, honestly, when the opportunity came up that's what HE wanted to do - no regards to me and my birthdya. and honeslty, it bothered me at the time and still does to a point (especially when he makes such a big deal about his own birthday) but having him come out and say something about it made me close to furious. especially when he told me, "yeah, we went to the game cuz that's really what i wanted to do and i was too broke for anything else."
and. irritating as it was at the time, it was never a really big deal. i had fun. i spent my day with his buddies instead of him, and he didn't treat me like a princess.
i think the distance is just getting to me now. fuck. typing is making me angrier. is this understandable, though? it was my ONE special day a year and, granted, i had a decent time, but he conciously did something FOR HIMSELF on my day rather than for me. and. yeah. he's trying to make up for it now, telling me that he owes me and what not. but. ONLY NOW? why did he wait this long to say anything? it was like a punch in the stomach. i do so much for him. i send him things i know will make him happy. i tell him what i know he wants and needs to hear. and. what do i get? nothing. a fucking football game for my birthday, and paying for MY OWN birthday dinner, which included two of his friends. FUCK.