Memoirs of a so-called polysubstance dependent
Anyone that has known me for any significant period of time is aware that I have an affinity for illicit drugs. Well, that affinity is no more. I've been betrayed by an anonymous tattle-tale. Apparently my word is not enough. Apparently I was sinking so far into addiction that said person found it necessary to inform the Dean of Students, however indirectly, about my drug use. If I seem a little bit pissed off and bitter, it's because I'm holding back.
Now, I'm aware that drugs are illegal. Just like I am aware that cigarette smoke causes cancer. It doesn't take a genius to realize these things. I don't care. If i want to do something, and I think I can get away with it, I will; end of story. In fact, even in light of my present situation, I regret nothing. I am also aware that drugs can result in death, and yet, for all the experimentation I've done, I don't seem to be dead. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I've educated myself on the substances I've put into my body.
Ever since I went through the D.A.R.E. program in the sixth grade, I thought that anti-drug propaganda was bullshit. If you don't believe me, you can read my journal from 1999-2000. I don't buy it. In fact, in the sixth grade, I decided that addicts are fucking morons. These are people that weren't completely aware of the risks they were taking. These people didn't understand the symptoms of addiction in the context of the specific substance they were using. They just didn't get it. Unfortunately, these three previous statements apply to me in the context of cigarettes. What they don't apply to is alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, mushrooms, acid, and heroin.
In order to understand the thought process behind my experimentation and recreation, it's important that people understand a few basic principles of my ideology:
First, I don't believe in an afterlife. In fact, I am adamantly opposed to anyone that promotes fear of the unknown as a means to keep people from committing crimes against one another. Seriously, if the worldly consequences aren't enough for you to avoid stealing, murdering, and injuring one another, then there's a very good chance that you'll be heading to hell anyhow.
In addition, my inability to comprehend the idea of an afterlife has led me to have absolutely no fear of death. I'm not afraid to die. There's no way to avoid it. So what's the fucking point of worrying about it all the time? In my brain, death is equal to the end. You no longer exist. All of your particles are still in tact (depending on how you've met your demise), but you have no feelings or sense of self. It's a lot like a deep sleep, except without the unconscious "pillow-to-cold-side-flipping." So seriously, if I do something stupid and I die, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. This is often mistaken for a desire to die, which, I will admit, isn't foreign to me. The two are separate. If I wanted to die, I promise I would have done it by now.
Also, it's very important that people realize that I do not believe in the dichotomy of good and evil. It's all grey area. Each and every person does as he/she sees fit for the situation at hand. If you don't, then I think you're stupid. Murder is completely just if you're protecting yourself or loved ones from an assailant, but not if you're trying to get yourself of a fix of adrenaline. So I have no need to avoid things simply because society said it was bad. Especially in the case off drugs. I'm well aware the people die every day in Colombia because people like me have been supporting the cocaine trade. I don't think anyone honestly believes that if I had never bought drugs, no one would have been hurt. However, if the government was doing what it was designed to do, rather than peddling to the needs of the christian people that seem to think they know it all, then drugs would be regulated, maintained, and legal. Just think, if the government regulated cocaine, then the Colombian drug trade would be obsolete and eventually non-existent. The benefits are astronomical.
Finally, I would like every person to know that I am a responsible individual. Clearly I am not responsible in the context of obeying the laws of the land. I use this term to convey the fact that i take responsibility for my actions. When I do something, I am completely aware of the risks. In the case of my current drug use, I told the Dean of Students, to his face, that I do drugs. I could have easily lied. In fact, when I took my drug test, the only substance present in my urine was THC. And yet, I was honest. How many of you can say you would have done the same?
I made my choices. Now I am accepting the consequences: I will no longer be president of Delta Chi, I am no longer an Orientation Leader, I am not entirely sure I'm going to be enrolled this fall. I understand that fact that I should not be allowed to assume a position of leadership when I am not setting an appropriate example. Instead, I will be taking part in an intensive outpatient rehabilitation program at Belmont Behavioral Health Center, attending 90 NA meetings in 90 days, undergoing intensive psychiatric evaluation, submitting to random drug testing until May 2010, and I will be sober until I graduate from USP, at which time I will continue to abstain from drug use. I just wanted to try all this shit before the consequences outweighed the excitement. I'm an undergraduate student, next year I'll be making my way to becoming a Doctor. I don't intend to compromise my career.
So there you have it folks. I've tried every drug under the sun that I've ever been interested in trying. I'm not sorry. I don't regret it. Save pot and alcohol, I've not done any of them more than 7 times total. I don't understand how my behavior has justified a diagnosis of "polysubstance dependence: primary marijuana." People with substance dependence don't make it through three years of college. Heroin addicts, as I've been called, do not get a 3.7gpa. Drug addicts don't win global statistics competitions. But for all the evidence to the contrary, it seems that I'm stuck with this title. Who knew that drug dependents could be smarter than 90% of the country, write a better stats paper than 100% of the world, and live to tell about it?
Now, I'm aware that drugs are illegal. Just like I am aware that cigarette smoke causes cancer. It doesn't take a genius to realize these things. I don't care. If i want to do something, and I think I can get away with it, I will; end of story. In fact, even in light of my present situation, I regret nothing. I am also aware that drugs can result in death, and yet, for all the experimentation I've done, I don't seem to be dead. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I've educated myself on the substances I've put into my body.
Ever since I went through the D.A.R.E. program in the sixth grade, I thought that anti-drug propaganda was bullshit. If you don't believe me, you can read my journal from 1999-2000. I don't buy it. In fact, in the sixth grade, I decided that addicts are fucking morons. These are people that weren't completely aware of the risks they were taking. These people didn't understand the symptoms of addiction in the context of the specific substance they were using. They just didn't get it. Unfortunately, these three previous statements apply to me in the context of cigarettes. What they don't apply to is alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, mushrooms, acid, and heroin.
In order to understand the thought process behind my experimentation and recreation, it's important that people understand a few basic principles of my ideology:
First, I don't believe in an afterlife. In fact, I am adamantly opposed to anyone that promotes fear of the unknown as a means to keep people from committing crimes against one another. Seriously, if the worldly consequences aren't enough for you to avoid stealing, murdering, and injuring one another, then there's a very good chance that you'll be heading to hell anyhow.
In addition, my inability to comprehend the idea of an afterlife has led me to have absolutely no fear of death. I'm not afraid to die. There's no way to avoid it. So what's the fucking point of worrying about it all the time? In my brain, death is equal to the end. You no longer exist. All of your particles are still in tact (depending on how you've met your demise), but you have no feelings or sense of self. It's a lot like a deep sleep, except without the unconscious "pillow-to-cold-side-flipping." So seriously, if I do something stupid and I die, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. This is often mistaken for a desire to die, which, I will admit, isn't foreign to me. The two are separate. If I wanted to die, I promise I would have done it by now.
Also, it's very important that people realize that I do not believe in the dichotomy of good and evil. It's all grey area. Each and every person does as he/she sees fit for the situation at hand. If you don't, then I think you're stupid. Murder is completely just if you're protecting yourself or loved ones from an assailant, but not if you're trying to get yourself of a fix of adrenaline. So I have no need to avoid things simply because society said it was bad. Especially in the case off drugs. I'm well aware the people die every day in Colombia because people like me have been supporting the cocaine trade. I don't think anyone honestly believes that if I had never bought drugs, no one would have been hurt. However, if the government was doing what it was designed to do, rather than peddling to the needs of the christian people that seem to think they know it all, then drugs would be regulated, maintained, and legal. Just think, if the government regulated cocaine, then the Colombian drug trade would be obsolete and eventually non-existent. The benefits are astronomical.
Finally, I would like every person to know that I am a responsible individual. Clearly I am not responsible in the context of obeying the laws of the land. I use this term to convey the fact that i take responsibility for my actions. When I do something, I am completely aware of the risks. In the case of my current drug use, I told the Dean of Students, to his face, that I do drugs. I could have easily lied. In fact, when I took my drug test, the only substance present in my urine was THC. And yet, I was honest. How many of you can say you would have done the same?
I made my choices. Now I am accepting the consequences: I will no longer be president of Delta Chi, I am no longer an Orientation Leader, I am not entirely sure I'm going to be enrolled this fall. I understand that fact that I should not be allowed to assume a position of leadership when I am not setting an appropriate example. Instead, I will be taking part in an intensive outpatient rehabilitation program at Belmont Behavioral Health Center, attending 90 NA meetings in 90 days, undergoing intensive psychiatric evaluation, submitting to random drug testing until May 2010, and I will be sober until I graduate from USP, at which time I will continue to abstain from drug use. I just wanted to try all this shit before the consequences outweighed the excitement. I'm an undergraduate student, next year I'll be making my way to becoming a Doctor. I don't intend to compromise my career.
So there you have it folks. I've tried every drug under the sun that I've ever been interested in trying. I'm not sorry. I don't regret it. Save pot and alcohol, I've not done any of them more than 7 times total. I don't understand how my behavior has justified a diagnosis of "polysubstance dependence: primary marijuana." People with substance dependence don't make it through three years of college. Heroin addicts, as I've been called, do not get a 3.7gpa. Drug addicts don't win global statistics competitions. But for all the evidence to the contrary, it seems that I'm stuck with this title. Who knew that drug dependents could be smarter than 90% of the country, write a better stats paper than 100% of the world, and live to tell about it?