i am not beyond correction
i've been bottling up so much over the last few days to the point of crying but right now I am so thankful for yiling, yeomin, june, huan and leon even though he knows nothing haha
i think it started on thursday when i lost my patience over editing the wr and wanting to print it so badly but so many stupid problems like the direction of arrows and aligned boxes. The shock of how much it would cost was the tipping point in the library which left me completely defeatist. But thankful for wanyii's hug felly's hug sandra maans aaron at raja
and then friday was the pw problem again but huan was the best cos he got his senior to print for us for koi which dramatically reduced the cost...still annoyed me to no end though and complained to Jazell who I met on the way out heh thanks. Every single little thing started to get on me - Not feeling right during training, delaying pw by forgetting to send terence things, mentality of dealing with people to the point that every interaction became an opportunity to be upset, accidentally knocking people literally and metaphorically which on other days i could easily dismiss, being scolded for inappropriate behaviour, stupid social media dissatisfaction, going to watch coach play at woodlands on the wrong day, being late for church, having to frantically sms people to take over welcome duty on a dying battery, still feeling fake during cg, swearing on an lj post that i meant to be private and didn't realise until 10 min later (sry joseph and whoever else)...and then this constant gnawing feeling of loneliness. I reread my p6 journal and it hurts so much to know that I've never solved this problem even after six years.
saturday night i was mulling around waiting for someone to talk to me and then yiling did (about stupid things HAHAHAH) which made me so happy but then the convo kinda ended on 'ruth you should open up to people more' which stung although it's true. then i went back into sad phase
sunday I decided enough was enough staying home was the best way to go, so I got a good sleep and read through all my past letters that reminded me of how lovely my juniors were sigh. Guess another factor is that in RJ you interact with one batch instead of four so that cuts down a lot of people in my social circle. Then yeomin encouraged me to socialise at miniclass gathering at her house. (also she and Bev sang me a song over the phone to cheer me up lol) I went for it in the evening and it wasn't bad but I guessed I was just annoyed at how I didn't socialise much and how I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be (at this point ANYTHING could add on to this spiral of self-pity) (but she did tell me something though which made me really happy for her hahahhah). The only things keeping me from crying were Jimmy Fallon videos (I swear - especially the history of rap one on repeat), floorball, reading, homework and cats.
today surrounded by people so periodic happiness but still can feel lonely as I've experienced all too well in the gb room last year. Woke up early for once and met Shi Hui in the lift so her dad sent me to school which made me rly rly happy and thankful :) then met Wan Yii talking to mike on whatsapp before promo resultsss - We had girl circle to beat the tears and then Yeo Min Huan Wesson Wanyii Aaron jamming inside the classroom, it was SO good argh. I think Vivek and someone else got 4 H2 As yay :) Terence got called out for promos but during break all his scouts friends surrounded him which was super super lovely to see but ofc at this stage only reminded me of other sad stuff. same for floorball, trying not to cry before pt because i HATE bench socialising, then putting the ache in your arms was some kind of sadistic shiok but after that...saw chelsea who bounced into the mrt happily which made me happy for that train ride but
then home and derick's smses to ask if promos were ok. family is l o v e l y we added catcat to the wall marking our heights over the years haha and then talked to june who is ever patient (who also got from a U to A for physics !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and sent me a psychological article on loneliness which says its a perceived state of mind. useful advice given but honestly didn't make me feel better lol though i love you so i started tearing as usual for a while before huan whatsapped me. Was rly rly rly thankful that he did because I kinda forgot I could talk to him (sorry maybe i just rule out people-with-girlfriends) and huan's rly good at emotional things and being frank and caring. At the point where he started talking about his gf the way he does ("My gf and I were just pure accidents for each other"), it really made me smile :) I guess all this loneliness shit is self-imposed and I rly need to focus on other people more to forget myself enough. so so so thankful to reminded tonight that I have an amazing friend in you huan.
and right on cue,
he kept me talking rubbish and stupid secrets for the past hour and I'm just really thankful because somehow him not knowing anything but still cheering me up just puts the cherry on top to the end of this few days :)
one phrase I've been repeating to myself a lot every day is the year head's "I am not beyond correction" sigh. these few days have been trying but somehow the loneliness did really bring me closer to God. Was thinking about how inapt it was that some people consider me a strong Christian, and then was thinking about how if one person's secure in a tide because of the rock, the credit should go to the rock not really to the person's choice of standing there...ok rereading that sounds retarded but I know what I mean. especially since I've begun swearing and I'm still in my stupid experimental stage which I still do not regret and a lot a lot of things...if I'm any closer to God it's because of God and not me. Either way thank God.
Not sure if the loneliness will come back, but I've nursed this before last year so I'll be able to pull through again yeah buddy
i think it started on thursday when i lost my patience over editing the wr and wanting to print it so badly but so many stupid problems like the direction of arrows and aligned boxes. The shock of how much it would cost was the tipping point in the library which left me completely defeatist. But thankful for wanyii's hug felly's hug sandra maans aaron at raja
and then friday was the pw problem again but huan was the best cos he got his senior to print for us for koi which dramatically reduced the cost...still annoyed me to no end though and complained to Jazell who I met on the way out heh thanks. Every single little thing started to get on me - Not feeling right during training, delaying pw by forgetting to send terence things, mentality of dealing with people to the point that every interaction became an opportunity to be upset, accidentally knocking people literally and metaphorically which on other days i could easily dismiss, being scolded for inappropriate behaviour, stupid social media dissatisfaction, going to watch coach play at woodlands on the wrong day, being late for church, having to frantically sms people to take over welcome duty on a dying battery, still feeling fake during cg, swearing on an lj post that i meant to be private and didn't realise until 10 min later (sry joseph and whoever else)...and then this constant gnawing feeling of loneliness. I reread my p6 journal and it hurts so much to know that I've never solved this problem even after six years.
saturday night i was mulling around waiting for someone to talk to me and then yiling did (about stupid things HAHAHAH) which made me so happy but then the convo kinda ended on 'ruth you should open up to people more' which stung although it's true. then i went back into sad phase
sunday I decided enough was enough staying home was the best way to go, so I got a good sleep and read through all my past letters that reminded me of how lovely my juniors were sigh. Guess another factor is that in RJ you interact with one batch instead of four so that cuts down a lot of people in my social circle. Then yeomin encouraged me to socialise at miniclass gathering at her house. (also she and Bev sang me a song over the phone to cheer me up lol) I went for it in the evening and it wasn't bad but I guessed I was just annoyed at how I didn't socialise much and how I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be (at this point ANYTHING could add on to this spiral of self-pity) (but she did tell me something though which made me really happy for her hahahhah). The only things keeping me from crying were Jimmy Fallon videos (I swear - especially the history of rap one on repeat), floorball, reading, homework and cats.
today surrounded by people so periodic happiness but still can feel lonely as I've experienced all too well in the gb room last year. Woke up early for once and met Shi Hui in the lift so her dad sent me to school which made me rly rly happy and thankful :) then met Wan Yii talking to mike on whatsapp before promo resultsss - We had girl circle to beat the tears and then Yeo Min Huan Wesson Wanyii Aaron jamming inside the classroom, it was SO good argh. I think Vivek and someone else got 4 H2 As yay :) Terence got called out for promos but during break all his scouts friends surrounded him which was super super lovely to see but ofc at this stage only reminded me of other sad stuff. same for floorball, trying not to cry before pt because i HATE bench socialising, then putting the ache in your arms was some kind of sadistic shiok but after that...saw chelsea who bounced into the mrt happily which made me happy for that train ride but
then home and derick's smses to ask if promos were ok. family is l o v e l y we added catcat to the wall marking our heights over the years haha and then talked to june who is ever patient (who also got from a U to A for physics !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and sent me a psychological article on loneliness which says its a perceived state of mind. useful advice given but honestly didn't make me feel better lol though i love you so i started tearing as usual for a while before huan whatsapped me. Was rly rly rly thankful that he did because I kinda forgot I could talk to him (sorry maybe i just rule out people-with-girlfriends) and huan's rly good at emotional things and being frank and caring. At the point where he started talking about his gf the way he does ("My gf and I were just pure accidents for each other"), it really made me smile :) I guess all this loneliness shit is self-imposed and I rly need to focus on other people more to forget myself enough. so so so thankful to reminded tonight that I have an amazing friend in you huan.
and right on cue,
he kept me talking rubbish and stupid secrets for the past hour and I'm just really thankful because somehow him not knowing anything but still cheering me up just puts the cherry on top to the end of this few days :)
one phrase I've been repeating to myself a lot every day is the year head's "I am not beyond correction" sigh. these few days have been trying but somehow the loneliness did really bring me closer to God. Was thinking about how inapt it was that some people consider me a strong Christian, and then was thinking about how if one person's secure in a tide because of the rock, the credit should go to the rock not really to the person's choice of standing there...ok rereading that sounds retarded but I know what I mean. especially since I've begun swearing and I'm still in my stupid experimental stage which I still do not regret and a lot a lot of things...if I'm any closer to God it's because of God and not me. Either way thank God.
Not sure if the loneliness will come back, but I've nursed this before last year so I'll be able to pull through again yeah buddy