*Names May Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent...
But that doesn't mean the innocent is me.
There was drama this weekend. Much of it was good, I'm not gonna lie. But the events of the last several days have lead me to ask this question: why is a woman's self worth so wrapped up in sexuality, and more specifically, the actual act of having sex?
What happened, in a general sense, is this: I have a friend. She is actually a lot like me. She likes a boy. Not necessarily dating likes, but beginning likes. She has a friend. Her friend slept with the boy. Her friend knew she liked the boy. Her friend also knew that the boy has a reputation of being a little, shall we say, fast and loose. My friend knows that her friend only does these things because she has low self esteem to begin with. Her friend knows that she fucked up royally. My friend knows how hard it is to stay mad about this situation, knowing all the reasons her friend behaves this way. Having been in a similar situation myself, I can feel for her there. Her friend is sorry she upset her, but not really sorry about what she did.
Generally, I want to know why we are so concerned with how many people a girl has slept with, when she lost her virginity, how often she finds boys to sleep with, and the list goes on. (As an aside, I am not on a sexist soapbox here, I know these same problems affect those of the male population, but not being a member of said population, I will leave it to a pissed of man to make that rant.)
Too often I have been the wingman. Too often I have sat by and watched my friends decide what they want, go after it, and get it. This is not to say that I am always left on the sidelines, but I am tired of the whole ordeal. I'm tired of not getting the ones I have decided I want. I'm tired of waiting by to be chosen by the ones I really don't want. I'm tired of how I feel the next morning, regardless of whether anything at all happened the night before. But mostly, I'm tired of how this whole process makes me feel about my friends. Every girl has a friend who is the "pretty girl." Every girl, though she is less likely to admit it, has a friend who is the "fat girl." When we are not participating in the mating ritual we are quick enough to assert our similiarities, but as soon as the pack goes into hunting mode, each girl knows what her role will be. These roles rarely vary in a group, and I have seen many girls play the same role in several different groups over periods of years.
I am not against sex. I am not berating women for having sex, or for not having sex. I am simply thoroughly disgusted with the system that we have allowed ourselves to fall into. Not to over emphasize the things I am not saying, but I'm not saying that people don't legitimately fall in love every day. I know its out there. That knowledge, however much we might not like to admit it, is the only thing that keeps most of us participating in this humiliating ritual. But I think the thing that makes me the most upset is that this weekend I will put on my short skirt and my high heels, layer on the makeup and straighten my hair, and I'll go out, drink too much and at the very least make an attempt to attract a boy. Then I'll wake up on Sunday. Even if I didn't so much as talk to a boy I don't know all night, I'll be ashamed of myself. Just like I did last weekend.
I have no one to be mad at this week. No one betrayed me, or tried to force me into anything, or in any way made me feel bad about myself. But this week my friend is not so lucky. She will spend tonight trying to let herself be mad and explain to her friend why she is so upset. She will spend tomorrow listening to the reasons, which she already knows, why her friend does these things she knows are wrong. Then her friend will leave. And the next time they are together, they will pretend like nothing ever happened. But in reality, every time they go out, they will both be wondering if it will happen again. Neither one of this will ever forget this weekend, even if tomorrow is the last time it is ever mentioned between them. And the rub of it is, this isn't the first incident that will be seemingly forgotten. And we all have these incidents, don't we? Regardless of which side of the story we're on, its happened to all of us. And its not that any of us are bad people for having done or said, or not done or said, one of these things. In the end, its all how we act on our insecurities. And this system perpetuates these behaviors on all sides. We are brought up to believe that if you are worth having, certain people in certain situations will want you. In fact, these are neither the people or the situations by which we should judge our worth.
Its not that I don't have fun when I go out. I wouldn't go if I didn't. Its not that I've never had a guy decide that I was the girl he wanted to take home with him. I've probably been on both sides of this story, in some capacity or other, in my life. But the problem is that I'm ashamed of being on either side. I don't want to be the girl that gets stepped on by her friends, but I also don't want to be the girl who takes advantage of a situation in spite of a friend's feelings. And I don't want to turn any of my friends into either of those girls.
I don't know how to change the system. I don't even know if I could change my own reaction to the system. But I know that the system isn't good. It only hurts people in the end. And it really makes me sad that we can spend all of our time, all week, developing friendships, getting to know people, getting to care about people, when we are liable to wreck it all in a few hours, just to make or preserve some sort of social mask. I'll say this now: I am going to try to stop. I am going to try not to participate. I don't know how far I'll get, how long I'll last, but I know that if I can't wake up on Sunday morning without being ashamed of myself or my friends, then I'm on the wrong track somehow. I'm going to try to stay on the right track. Whichever track that may be.
There was drama this weekend. Much of it was good, I'm not gonna lie. But the events of the last several days have lead me to ask this question: why is a woman's self worth so wrapped up in sexuality, and more specifically, the actual act of having sex?
What happened, in a general sense, is this: I have a friend. She is actually a lot like me. She likes a boy. Not necessarily dating likes, but beginning likes. She has a friend. Her friend slept with the boy. Her friend knew she liked the boy. Her friend also knew that the boy has a reputation of being a little, shall we say, fast and loose. My friend knows that her friend only does these things because she has low self esteem to begin with. Her friend knows that she fucked up royally. My friend knows how hard it is to stay mad about this situation, knowing all the reasons her friend behaves this way. Having been in a similar situation myself, I can feel for her there. Her friend is sorry she upset her, but not really sorry about what she did.
Generally, I want to know why we are so concerned with how many people a girl has slept with, when she lost her virginity, how often she finds boys to sleep with, and the list goes on. (As an aside, I am not on a sexist soapbox here, I know these same problems affect those of the male population, but not being a member of said population, I will leave it to a pissed of man to make that rant.)
Too often I have been the wingman. Too often I have sat by and watched my friends decide what they want, go after it, and get it. This is not to say that I am always left on the sidelines, but I am tired of the whole ordeal. I'm tired of not getting the ones I have decided I want. I'm tired of waiting by to be chosen by the ones I really don't want. I'm tired of how I feel the next morning, regardless of whether anything at all happened the night before. But mostly, I'm tired of how this whole process makes me feel about my friends. Every girl has a friend who is the "pretty girl." Every girl, though she is less likely to admit it, has a friend who is the "fat girl." When we are not participating in the mating ritual we are quick enough to assert our similiarities, but as soon as the pack goes into hunting mode, each girl knows what her role will be. These roles rarely vary in a group, and I have seen many girls play the same role in several different groups over periods of years.
I am not against sex. I am not berating women for having sex, or for not having sex. I am simply thoroughly disgusted with the system that we have allowed ourselves to fall into. Not to over emphasize the things I am not saying, but I'm not saying that people don't legitimately fall in love every day. I know its out there. That knowledge, however much we might not like to admit it, is the only thing that keeps most of us participating in this humiliating ritual. But I think the thing that makes me the most upset is that this weekend I will put on my short skirt and my high heels, layer on the makeup and straighten my hair, and I'll go out, drink too much and at the very least make an attempt to attract a boy. Then I'll wake up on Sunday. Even if I didn't so much as talk to a boy I don't know all night, I'll be ashamed of myself. Just like I did last weekend.
I have no one to be mad at this week. No one betrayed me, or tried to force me into anything, or in any way made me feel bad about myself. But this week my friend is not so lucky. She will spend tonight trying to let herself be mad and explain to her friend why she is so upset. She will spend tomorrow listening to the reasons, which she already knows, why her friend does these things she knows are wrong. Then her friend will leave. And the next time they are together, they will pretend like nothing ever happened. But in reality, every time they go out, they will both be wondering if it will happen again. Neither one of this will ever forget this weekend, even if tomorrow is the last time it is ever mentioned between them. And the rub of it is, this isn't the first incident that will be seemingly forgotten. And we all have these incidents, don't we? Regardless of which side of the story we're on, its happened to all of us. And its not that any of us are bad people for having done or said, or not done or said, one of these things. In the end, its all how we act on our insecurities. And this system perpetuates these behaviors on all sides. We are brought up to believe that if you are worth having, certain people in certain situations will want you. In fact, these are neither the people or the situations by which we should judge our worth.
Its not that I don't have fun when I go out. I wouldn't go if I didn't. Its not that I've never had a guy decide that I was the girl he wanted to take home with him. I've probably been on both sides of this story, in some capacity or other, in my life. But the problem is that I'm ashamed of being on either side. I don't want to be the girl that gets stepped on by her friends, but I also don't want to be the girl who takes advantage of a situation in spite of a friend's feelings. And I don't want to turn any of my friends into either of those girls.
I don't know how to change the system. I don't even know if I could change my own reaction to the system. But I know that the system isn't good. It only hurts people in the end. And it really makes me sad that we can spend all of our time, all week, developing friendships, getting to know people, getting to care about people, when we are liable to wreck it all in a few hours, just to make or preserve some sort of social mask. I'll say this now: I am going to try to stop. I am going to try not to participate. I don't know how far I'll get, how long I'll last, but I know that if I can't wake up on Sunday morning without being ashamed of myself or my friends, then I'm on the wrong track somehow. I'm going to try to stay on the right track. Whichever track that may be.