Home is where ever I'm with you
I believe that I may be a problem for myself.. I have this thought; I generally believe that people don't change. Especially not for other people. Then I have this comforting thought, like, maybe they want to make changes if they care just so much about the person who is requesting the change. I'm not talking about big changes, I don't think. I'm just afraid that the reason that I have never really confronted issues in the past is because I have made myself believe that people can't and don't change. I don't really know what to do about this. I feel like maybe I could use a good "talk". But then it always ends up with me "needying" him to reassure me of his feelings for me and that just seems ingenuine while making me hate myself for being needy and doubting what I am being told because I am practically telling him what to say to me. But how do I avoid that? I just avoid having the types of conversations that we had in the beginning, the types of conversations that made us so strong and so close from the start.
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I am scared of not discussing things, but I am almost equally scared of doing so. It was better when I wasn't so needy, when I didn't make myself feel so insecure. I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself. I don't want to constantly be looking for what needs repair. But I also don't want to ignore the things that I am feeling. I'm sure that this could be helped by getting closer to myself and getting to know myself better. Then I could know when to trust my intuition. But then I think, the closer I get to someone else, the farther I get from the other people in my life. Even if I am getting closer to myself. Or maybe not... Maybe being closer to myself would enable me to be closer to the other people in my life in a more healthy way. At the beginning of our relationship, I was so sure. I was self assurred and I was sure that he felt the same way about me that I felt about him. But after being together for a year, you can't constantly expect the same kind of exciting lustful reminders. Right? There comes a point in a relationship where you just have to tell yourself, "this is it, and I know that this is it, and he knows this too and we are in love and this is our life". And that is supposed to be enough. Right? I just don't know. I could use an answer. Then if I knew that this was the rule, I could constantly remind myself and then that would be it. Because it is always good, but, man, when it is really good, it is the greatest. I don't know what to do with myself. As if I don't have enough to do.
Then Beverly tells me that you can controll your thoughts; it takes practice. But then, what do I tell myself to think about? I think about other people in my life and I think about things that I have to do. That's pretty much the gist of it. ... How intersting... No wonder I fear that Mike will get bored of me and that I am so uncomfortable with myself. But I don't know what I want to think about. I've been in College for so long that there has always been something that I am "supposed" to be thinking about. So then what? I graduate in six weeks.. Then I have a nervous breakdown because I am finally one hundred percent responsible for my own thoughts? My goodness, I get it, honestly, no wonder I am such a silly mess. I don't even know what to think about.. I hardly know what I am intersted in. Playing outside, watching Gilmore Girls, listening to music, cuddling, fresh air, spending time with people- this is not enough. I need to figure out what I want to think about... UGHUGHGH... But then I don't want to be one of those people. One of those "I'm special because (insert some bs here)." So what do I do with myself if I don't want to be one of "those" people, but I don't want to have an empty head that makes up nonsense to think about? I don't know. I know that I am tired of being a needy insecure fool. I know that my personality is sufficient, but that's just not quite enough.
I hope I figure this out so that I don't damage anything, or myself. I vaguely have figured some things out that I need to further explore. Thanks for listening. "Home is where ever I'm with you." I don't want to want to make you want to do things. Oh me.
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. I am scared of not discussing things, but I am almost equally scared of doing so. It was better when I wasn't so needy, when I didn't make myself feel so insecure. I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself. I don't want to constantly be looking for what needs repair. But I also don't want to ignore the things that I am feeling. I'm sure that this could be helped by getting closer to myself and getting to know myself better. Then I could know when to trust my intuition. But then I think, the closer I get to someone else, the farther I get from the other people in my life. Even if I am getting closer to myself. Or maybe not... Maybe being closer to myself would enable me to be closer to the other people in my life in a more healthy way. At the beginning of our relationship, I was so sure. I was self assurred and I was sure that he felt the same way about me that I felt about him. But after being together for a year, you can't constantly expect the same kind of exciting lustful reminders. Right? There comes a point in a relationship where you just have to tell yourself, "this is it, and I know that this is it, and he knows this too and we are in love and this is our life". And that is supposed to be enough. Right? I just don't know. I could use an answer. Then if I knew that this was the rule, I could constantly remind myself and then that would be it. Because it is always good, but, man, when it is really good, it is the greatest. I don't know what to do with myself. As if I don't have enough to do.
Then Beverly tells me that you can controll your thoughts; it takes practice. But then, what do I tell myself to think about? I think about other people in my life and I think about things that I have to do. That's pretty much the gist of it. ... How intersting... No wonder I fear that Mike will get bored of me and that I am so uncomfortable with myself. But I don't know what I want to think about. I've been in College for so long that there has always been something that I am "supposed" to be thinking about. So then what? I graduate in six weeks.. Then I have a nervous breakdown because I am finally one hundred percent responsible for my own thoughts? My goodness, I get it, honestly, no wonder I am such a silly mess. I don't even know what to think about.. I hardly know what I am intersted in. Playing outside, watching Gilmore Girls, listening to music, cuddling, fresh air, spending time with people- this is not enough. I need to figure out what I want to think about... UGHUGHGH... But then I don't want to be one of those people. One of those "I'm special because (insert some bs here)." So what do I do with myself if I don't want to be one of "those" people, but I don't want to have an empty head that makes up nonsense to think about? I don't know. I know that I am tired of being a needy insecure fool. I know that my personality is sufficient, but that's just not quite enough.
I hope I figure this out so that I don't damage anything, or myself. I vaguely have figured some things out that I need to further explore. Thanks for listening. "Home is where ever I'm with you." I don't want to want to make you want to do things. Oh me.