On Pride
Editor's Note: I am currently in isolation mode after a COVID positive (dodged it for over 3 years; worst of it seems to have passed, feeling better each day), I'm thoroughly bored with the confines of my condo, *and* in a month in change I will have my half-century birthday so I am restless, reflective, and nostalgic. This entry will reflect that. You were warned.
June, as we know, is Pride month. It is a time when I enjoy seeing my friends and family in the LGBTQ+ community celebrate who they are, who they love, and how hard they have had to fight and still fight for acceptance of both of those things. And yet in recent years I have also come to dread June 1st because I know that in our post social media age I will see the most absurd posts, tired tropes, hateful falsehoods, and beyond said about those very friends and family I mentioned. Social media gave everyone degrees of anonymity and a platform, and former President Donald Trump and the modern GOP have given them oxygen. I have been loath to point the latter out in the past because in my personal life I have one set of views but because of my professional life (public broadcasting) I err on the side of analytical when writing at length about anything that could be perceived as political.
So let is be said for Pride Month 2023 and beyond: What Pride stands for, what it means, what it is about is not political. It is not a right vs. left, center versus not center, or whatever kind of divides we have over, say, economic policy or public education or environmental policy. Equality, self expression, not having your employment or housing hinge on your sexuality or gender identity? That is not a political thing. It is a human thing. Hanging a Pride flag from my porch or a sticker on my car is not expressing a political point of view. It is saying to my friends and family and the broader world of strangers I haven't met yet that no matter your gender or sexuality I stand with you and your right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I could swear I've encountered that last phrase somewhere...
In our current moment I find myself angered and yet not remotely surprised at the most frequent target within the LGBTQ+ community: Our transgender community. One of the 'benefits' of living close to a half century is that it does in fact give you some history and perspective in that "I've seen this playbook used before and while you might be fooling some people I am not one of them." The anti-LGBTQ+ voices that accuse the transgender community of being 'breeders' or 'groomers' or 'recruiting' or -- and this is the most tired one of them all -- of being pedophiles is not new. People my age and older, if they're honest, will remember when those accusations were leveled against gays and lesbians without an ounce of facts to back it up.
I come from a generation (Gen X, and we secretly want a President Ethan Hawke) that laughed at movies with homophobic jokes that have not aged well at all. There are moments in, for example, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" that make me laugh all these years later, but I always know there is an embrace between the two title characters followed by a gay slur that is there waiting to make me cringe. There are gay stereotypes littered throughout the popular culture I was raised on, jokes I laughed at in front of others that I wish I hadn't, and I doubt I am alone in having viewpoints the evolved from adolescence into young adulthood and then into middle age (who am I kidding on that...I am 49, I will not live to 98 and am therefore past middle age). I take personal pride in being an ally for a long time, longer than many of my same age peers, but that doesn't remove the fact I made huge mistakes, spoke when I should have listened, and had much to learn even when I thought I knew something. I know I was a friend to the first high school mater that was brave enough to come out to me. I know I went into college, arriving from California into Oregon in the early 1990's, and quickly being outspoken in opposition to anti-gay statewide ballot measures that appeared on the first several elections I was old enough to cast a vote in. I got into shouting matches with class and dorm mates, changed very few minds, but was there to burn friendships to the ground over issues that I couldn't just "agree to disagree" about. I remember a friend of mine looking me dead in the eye after I asked them why civil unions instead of legal gay marriage was 'not enough' for them and having them say, "Am I less than you? As a person and as your friend am I less than you?" and having a light bulb moment that set my flawed, young mind on the right track. I remember a lot of moments where I got it really fucking wrong and my only solace in that is that I got it right most of the time. I've never wanted to be satisfied with that, though. It is not enough to be right 60 percent of the time. A .600 batting average in baseball is Hall of Fame worthy. In humanity? It's nothing. I've tried and continue to try to be better.
I like to believe my adult life has been on the correct side of the arc of history. When the Supreme Court made legal gay marriage the law of the land in 2015 just weeks after I lost my rather conservative father I celebrated for my friends and family and thought about the endless arguments I'd had with him over the matter. He came from a different generation and while I ultimately don't view that as any kind of excuse I do think we all need to recognize that decades worth of an ingrained, baked-in point of view sets a ground that is a harder to crack; a soil that you can hit with a shovel to the point of sweat and anger and feel like you haven't broken ground. None of my perfectly logical, reasoned arguments ever changed my Dad's point of view on the gay community. You know what did? He had gay employees working for him that he had no idea were gay. He liked their hard work. He liked them. When their personal life came up and their sexuality was out it didn't matter, or at least not a level it once did. They were at his birthday party. They were employees and friends. If he had lived a few more weeks I believe he would have said, "Well, the court ruled. It doesn't make a difference to me." I fully understand how someone like my late father only marginally evolving his perspective doesn't feel like a win but I tend to view it that way just the same. When you shift someone from 'anti' to 'neutral' or 'So be it' then you've made progress. It is not nearly enough but I do think it moves the needle.
I share the story of my father because his change of views was not isolated. A lot of people's views changed and, by historical measure, it shifted pretty fast. In the 1990's and into the early 2000's state after state -- even my own solidly blue Oregon -- had voters enshrine marriage as only between a man and a woman into their state constitutions. But then the tides shifted and in terms of reasons it is mostly demographics. People my age, who statistically were more likely to have had friends or family come out at a younger are than our parents or grandparents, were by and large more accepting. We had friends and family in the gay community who came to our weddings or what have you and, holy shit, we came to the radical conclusion that denying them that same freedom was ludicrous. From a purely legal/constitutional standpoint we also seemed to wake up that when you combine freedom of and from religion combined with equal protection = The state (federal) viewing marriage solely as a legal enterprise (which it is) and not factoring in the religious part (which is private) is a no brainer.
So here we are, early in the 2020's and even those on the political right, when polled, are opposed to taking away legal gay marriage. Again, it's a generational shift as much as a political one. That change, though, is why in my opinion we're seeing so much froth and vile aimed at the trans community. The simple explanation -- which is always one that is admittedly prone to being too simplistic -- is that it is no longer as fashionable to target the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. In the same way we don't have movie or TV dialog with those stereotypes or lines that make us cringe, so to is it harder for some -- with 'some' being largely older, aging, embittered folks who saw the public tide shift against their will -- to be against something that worked in their political favor not that long ago but doesn't work now. But within that broader community they would attack at-large if they could is a subset, a smaller group within the group that much of the public, myself included, have not had as much personal interaction or relationships with. The trans community is a small segment of our population. It means, among other things, even those of us who stand with them may not have as many of them in our circle of friends or family. Add to the mix social media and our current media landscape and what you get is those who need a target to rally an ever-shrinking segment of the population to their side through disinformation, false accusations, and the same boogeyman tactics they once used against the broader LGBTQ+ community for short term political gains.
Like I said at the start of this very long essay, you and I have seen this script before. It doesn't make it any less dangerous or horrific. Add to that we also live in at a time of ever increasing gun violence and general anger within our country and, damn straight, there are many reasons to be alarmed. It also means, among other things, that there is no time or place for hiding behind professional concerns or what friends and family will think when you call a spade a spade. When you don't stand for what you believe or the people you believe in. In that sense I could have kept all this very short and less personal if I'd just said, "In Pride Month and in every month I stand with you."
That isn't enough. This won't be either but, yes, I absolutely stand with you, your beautiful self, your friends and family and who they are. I am your flawed ally who is going to screw up the pronouns and inevitably make a mistake or an assumption that I will later regret but promise to learn from.
J
June, as we know, is Pride month. It is a time when I enjoy seeing my friends and family in the LGBTQ+ community celebrate who they are, who they love, and how hard they have had to fight and still fight for acceptance of both of those things. And yet in recent years I have also come to dread June 1st because I know that in our post social media age I will see the most absurd posts, tired tropes, hateful falsehoods, and beyond said about those very friends and family I mentioned. Social media gave everyone degrees of anonymity and a platform, and former President Donald Trump and the modern GOP have given them oxygen. I have been loath to point the latter out in the past because in my personal life I have one set of views but because of my professional life (public broadcasting) I err on the side of analytical when writing at length about anything that could be perceived as political.
So let is be said for Pride Month 2023 and beyond: What Pride stands for, what it means, what it is about is not political. It is not a right vs. left, center versus not center, or whatever kind of divides we have over, say, economic policy or public education or environmental policy. Equality, self expression, not having your employment or housing hinge on your sexuality or gender identity? That is not a political thing. It is a human thing. Hanging a Pride flag from my porch or a sticker on my car is not expressing a political point of view. It is saying to my friends and family and the broader world of strangers I haven't met yet that no matter your gender or sexuality I stand with you and your right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I could swear I've encountered that last phrase somewhere...
In our current moment I find myself angered and yet not remotely surprised at the most frequent target within the LGBTQ+ community: Our transgender community. One of the 'benefits' of living close to a half century is that it does in fact give you some history and perspective in that "I've seen this playbook used before and while you might be fooling some people I am not one of them." The anti-LGBTQ+ voices that accuse the transgender community of being 'breeders' or 'groomers' or 'recruiting' or -- and this is the most tired one of them all -- of being pedophiles is not new. People my age and older, if they're honest, will remember when those accusations were leveled against gays and lesbians without an ounce of facts to back it up.
I come from a generation (Gen X, and we secretly want a President Ethan Hawke) that laughed at movies with homophobic jokes that have not aged well at all. There are moments in, for example, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" that make me laugh all these years later, but I always know there is an embrace between the two title characters followed by a gay slur that is there waiting to make me cringe. There are gay stereotypes littered throughout the popular culture I was raised on, jokes I laughed at in front of others that I wish I hadn't, and I doubt I am alone in having viewpoints the evolved from adolescence into young adulthood and then into middle age (who am I kidding on that...I am 49, I will not live to 98 and am therefore past middle age). I take personal pride in being an ally for a long time, longer than many of my same age peers, but that doesn't remove the fact I made huge mistakes, spoke when I should have listened, and had much to learn even when I thought I knew something. I know I was a friend to the first high school mater that was brave enough to come out to me. I know I went into college, arriving from California into Oregon in the early 1990's, and quickly being outspoken in opposition to anti-gay statewide ballot measures that appeared on the first several elections I was old enough to cast a vote in. I got into shouting matches with class and dorm mates, changed very few minds, but was there to burn friendships to the ground over issues that I couldn't just "agree to disagree" about. I remember a friend of mine looking me dead in the eye after I asked them why civil unions instead of legal gay marriage was 'not enough' for them and having them say, "Am I less than you? As a person and as your friend am I less than you?" and having a light bulb moment that set my flawed, young mind on the right track. I remember a lot of moments where I got it really fucking wrong and my only solace in that is that I got it right most of the time. I've never wanted to be satisfied with that, though. It is not enough to be right 60 percent of the time. A .600 batting average in baseball is Hall of Fame worthy. In humanity? It's nothing. I've tried and continue to try to be better.
I like to believe my adult life has been on the correct side of the arc of history. When the Supreme Court made legal gay marriage the law of the land in 2015 just weeks after I lost my rather conservative father I celebrated for my friends and family and thought about the endless arguments I'd had with him over the matter. He came from a different generation and while I ultimately don't view that as any kind of excuse I do think we all need to recognize that decades worth of an ingrained, baked-in point of view sets a ground that is a harder to crack; a soil that you can hit with a shovel to the point of sweat and anger and feel like you haven't broken ground. None of my perfectly logical, reasoned arguments ever changed my Dad's point of view on the gay community. You know what did? He had gay employees working for him that he had no idea were gay. He liked their hard work. He liked them. When their personal life came up and their sexuality was out it didn't matter, or at least not a level it once did. They were at his birthday party. They were employees and friends. If he had lived a few more weeks I believe he would have said, "Well, the court ruled. It doesn't make a difference to me." I fully understand how someone like my late father only marginally evolving his perspective doesn't feel like a win but I tend to view it that way just the same. When you shift someone from 'anti' to 'neutral' or 'So be it' then you've made progress. It is not nearly enough but I do think it moves the needle.
I share the story of my father because his change of views was not isolated. A lot of people's views changed and, by historical measure, it shifted pretty fast. In the 1990's and into the early 2000's state after state -- even my own solidly blue Oregon -- had voters enshrine marriage as only between a man and a woman into their state constitutions. But then the tides shifted and in terms of reasons it is mostly demographics. People my age, who statistically were more likely to have had friends or family come out at a younger are than our parents or grandparents, were by and large more accepting. We had friends and family in the gay community who came to our weddings or what have you and, holy shit, we came to the radical conclusion that denying them that same freedom was ludicrous. From a purely legal/constitutional standpoint we also seemed to wake up that when you combine freedom of and from religion combined with equal protection = The state (federal) viewing marriage solely as a legal enterprise (which it is) and not factoring in the religious part (which is private) is a no brainer.
So here we are, early in the 2020's and even those on the political right, when polled, are opposed to taking away legal gay marriage. Again, it's a generational shift as much as a political one. That change, though, is why in my opinion we're seeing so much froth and vile aimed at the trans community. The simple explanation -- which is always one that is admittedly prone to being too simplistic -- is that it is no longer as fashionable to target the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. In the same way we don't have movie or TV dialog with those stereotypes or lines that make us cringe, so to is it harder for some -- with 'some' being largely older, aging, embittered folks who saw the public tide shift against their will -- to be against something that worked in their political favor not that long ago but doesn't work now. But within that broader community they would attack at-large if they could is a subset, a smaller group within the group that much of the public, myself included, have not had as much personal interaction or relationships with. The trans community is a small segment of our population. It means, among other things, even those of us who stand with them may not have as many of them in our circle of friends or family. Add to the mix social media and our current media landscape and what you get is those who need a target to rally an ever-shrinking segment of the population to their side through disinformation, false accusations, and the same boogeyman tactics they once used against the broader LGBTQ+ community for short term political gains.
Like I said at the start of this very long essay, you and I have seen this script before. It doesn't make it any less dangerous or horrific. Add to that we also live in at a time of ever increasing gun violence and general anger within our country and, damn straight, there are many reasons to be alarmed. It also means, among other things, that there is no time or place for hiding behind professional concerns or what friends and family will think when you call a spade a spade. When you don't stand for what you believe or the people you believe in. In that sense I could have kept all this very short and less personal if I'd just said, "In Pride Month and in every month I stand with you."
That isn't enough. This won't be either but, yes, I absolutely stand with you, your beautiful self, your friends and family and who they are. I am your flawed ally who is going to screw up the pronouns and inevitably make a mistake or an assumption that I will later regret but promise to learn from.
J