I Think She Was Right
At this time last year I was living with someone. I wasn't LJ-ing very much at the time but the gist of it was this: I met her -- who we'll call "H" -- in December 2014, we began seeing each other pretty quickly thereafter, her lease came up and her work was unsteady in August 2015, I suddenly had the space because my son was leaving for college and, POOF, I was suddenly moving in a girlfriend and her dog.
Living together didn't really take and obviously the relationship is no more. The ultimate end came when she told me she wasn't taking a job she was offered in Arizona and then reversed her decision without so much as a discussion and then expected me to a) be happy about it and b) assist with the labor and expense of the move. Given that H and I had had some ups and downs the whole way through I took it as a sign that we were done. I was more upset then heartbroken. On the day she left I looked around my apartment -- now minus a couch and some other items -- and I felt...relieved. I have since told friends, some of whom were never big fans of H, that in hindsight I think I dodged a bullet. They generally agreed. Now, a year later, I was digging out my holiday decorations and came across a few items she and I bought last year as a couple. Nothing major but there was an ornament of a dog that looked like her dog, Rocco. My son noticed this as we were unpacking and he said, "I miss that dog. He was a great dog." I agreed and said, "Yeah. But I don't miss H." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I think Allison is much better for you." And then I laughed.
The funny part is that not only is my son right but H was right, too. I thought of something she said to me once as were trying to peacefully break up and get her moved. It was something along the lines of, "I just don't think I'm the right person for you. You put your boys #1 over everything and I can't relate to that because I don't have kids. You need a single suburban Mom with kids who is going to get that about you and appreciate it." I objected to this analysis at the time, particularly the "Suburban Mom" part because heaven knows my dating and love life have never been that mundane or vanilla. 'Suburban Mom' was everything I had spent the prior 4 years getting away from, right?
But now, a year later? I must admit that H may have had a point. It struck me this weekend when Allison spontaneously invited me to come with her and her son (age 10) to the Oregon Symphony's holiday program. She had a voucher for an extra ticket and I gladly accepted. It was a very nice, fun performance even if holiday music so soon after Thanksgiving and before December 1st (!) feels a bit early. And there I was at the concert hall last night sitting on the aisle with my incredible girlfriend two seats over and her precocious, sweet son next to me by his choice. When the show was over we all went out for sushi. And, oh yeah, she does in fact live in one of Portland's large suburbs. She has told me several times that one of her initial attractions to me was how lovingly I spoke of my sons and how important they are to me. Since late September when she introduced me to her son she has remarked many times about how much he likes me (and I like him, too).
So while there is nothing particularly suburban (and definitely nothing vanilla) about my relationship with Allison I do have to give my ex-girlfriend, H, some credit for being more right than wrong. I would reach out and tell her that but not long after she moved away I found myself de-friended, blocked, and got a rather harsh, unmerited email from her. I blamed this on her not liking the Arizona heat and choosing to blame me for it. :) I have no lingering hard feelings toward her and hope if she hears about me through the grapevine (we do still have some friends in common) I would feel no shame in the report going something like, "Oh, J met this suburban Mom with a kid. I met her at a party and she is very nice and they're really good together." Because that, like her parting assessment, would be utterly true.
J
Living together didn't really take and obviously the relationship is no more. The ultimate end came when she told me she wasn't taking a job she was offered in Arizona and then reversed her decision without so much as a discussion and then expected me to a) be happy about it and b) assist with the labor and expense of the move. Given that H and I had had some ups and downs the whole way through I took it as a sign that we were done. I was more upset then heartbroken. On the day she left I looked around my apartment -- now minus a couch and some other items -- and I felt...relieved. I have since told friends, some of whom were never big fans of H, that in hindsight I think I dodged a bullet. They generally agreed. Now, a year later, I was digging out my holiday decorations and came across a few items she and I bought last year as a couple. Nothing major but there was an ornament of a dog that looked like her dog, Rocco. My son noticed this as we were unpacking and he said, "I miss that dog. He was a great dog." I agreed and said, "Yeah. But I don't miss H." He laughed and said, "Yeah, I think Allison is much better for you." And then I laughed.
The funny part is that not only is my son right but H was right, too. I thought of something she said to me once as were trying to peacefully break up and get her moved. It was something along the lines of, "I just don't think I'm the right person for you. You put your boys #1 over everything and I can't relate to that because I don't have kids. You need a single suburban Mom with kids who is going to get that about you and appreciate it." I objected to this analysis at the time, particularly the "Suburban Mom" part because heaven knows my dating and love life have never been that mundane or vanilla. 'Suburban Mom' was everything I had spent the prior 4 years getting away from, right?
But now, a year later? I must admit that H may have had a point. It struck me this weekend when Allison spontaneously invited me to come with her and her son (age 10) to the Oregon Symphony's holiday program. She had a voucher for an extra ticket and I gladly accepted. It was a very nice, fun performance even if holiday music so soon after Thanksgiving and before December 1st (!) feels a bit early. And there I was at the concert hall last night sitting on the aisle with my incredible girlfriend two seats over and her precocious, sweet son next to me by his choice. When the show was over we all went out for sushi. And, oh yeah, she does in fact live in one of Portland's large suburbs. She has told me several times that one of her initial attractions to me was how lovingly I spoke of my sons and how important they are to me. Since late September when she introduced me to her son she has remarked many times about how much he likes me (and I like him, too).
So while there is nothing particularly suburban (and definitely nothing vanilla) about my relationship with Allison I do have to give my ex-girlfriend, H, some credit for being more right than wrong. I would reach out and tell her that but not long after she moved away I found myself de-friended, blocked, and got a rather harsh, unmerited email from her. I blamed this on her not liking the Arizona heat and choosing to blame me for it. :) I have no lingering hard feelings toward her and hope if she hears about me through the grapevine (we do still have some friends in common) I would feel no shame in the report going something like, "Oh, J met this suburban Mom with a kid. I met her at a party and she is very nice and they're really good together." Because that, like her parting assessment, would be utterly true.
J