California and Me
I very recently reached final judgement and resolution on my divorce. My ex-wife, Kelly, and I were legally married for just over 18 years. We were together from January 1993 until our separation in Fall 2011. We are and always will be co-parents to two amazing sons.
Some of you know this, some of you don't, but I share it today because as my own marriage has come to it's end I am more and more aware and reflective on what made our marriage work and what made it fail.
I can look at a lot of things and some of them are so obvious that they don't need much explanation. We met when we were 19 and 21 respectively, we got married just about 2 years later, and we entered into young married life full of love and naivety. I doubt we were the first young adults to not think about how much two people will change in their 20's and 30's and the higher than average likelihood that we would change in divergent ways. Is anyone the same person at 39 that they were at 19? At 42 as they were at 22? Hell, if you're the same person now as you were then I would question what kind of life you're living and what you're learning or not learning.
I wish I could say that Kelly and I reached the end of our marriage with maturity, peace, mutual understanding, a handshake and a hug, and no emotional damage, things we wish we hadn't said, or grand mistakes I think we'd both take back. I would love to say we had that dream-like divorce where we remain great friends. I applaud those former couples who have done that. I truly wish I was one of them.
So what made my marriage fail? That question, as I think about it today, is so multidimensional that I can really only provide some bullet points. I mentioned changing as people and I will say that is the BIG one but let me be really honest and say that the other reasons we failed include mutual lying, loss of trust, infidelity, dishonesty, fear of speaking the hard truths to each other, and staying together longer than we should have to the point where we were both angry at each other and with ourselves for doing so.
But now let me tell you the reasons my marriage DIDN'T fail:
- We didn't fail because of the unmarried couple down the street with two kids out of wedlock.
- We didn't fail because we never went to church together or the minister who married us somehow said the wrong things.
- We didn't fail because her parents didn't like me (though this is true) or I didn't like them (this is also true)
- We didn't fail because the other couple on the other side of town divorced and it was his second divorce and her third.
- We didn't fail because the institution itself is un-realistic or because it's utterly perfect; or because monogamy is unrealistic or because monogamy is perfect and the best way to go.
- We didn't fail because of Hollywood, music, a book, a bad influence, or even the respective people that made both of us stray.
We didn't actually fail at all. We just didn't want to be married anymore. And I can only speak for myself but my experience within marriage has made me question whether I ever want to be married again. Given my experiences I think that's fairly normal.
And yet nothing in me today or tomorrow makes me think I or anyone else has the right to tell the 3 times married guy that he can't get married again because, hey, 3 strikes and you're out. I would never tell Katy Perry not to get married again (I was rooting for you, Katy, and I still think Russell Brand seems like a fun guy!). I would never tell George Clooney to stop being a serial dater. That's not my right.
Getting married in 2013 with all the statistics of it's failure rate and all the people we know personally who have seen the pain of divorce and the legal complications it can take to undo a marriage is, in my view, a remarkable leap of faith. We have a society that is totally fine with two people not getting married. And yet so many, for reasons all their own, want to make that choice. And that is kinda rad.
My marriage didn't work out. My next relationship or, wow... hard to imagine... but my next marriage (yeah, hard to imagine!) will not be affected by who else can get married. The sanctity of the institution, as so many like to say, is just fine. It will always be fine. There will be people who can make that commitment and they will make it awesome through the good and the bad. They may get it right the first time like my late grandparents did or they may need to get it wrong first before they get it right (Johnny and June?).
Love should be celebrated. Commitment to anything should be admired.
So why in the blue hell would we want to stop anyone from going there?
Truth be told, for all my doubts, pain, or cynicism, I find the question a bit ridiculous.
J
Some of you know this, some of you don't, but I share it today because as my own marriage has come to it's end I am more and more aware and reflective on what made our marriage work and what made it fail.
I can look at a lot of things and some of them are so obvious that they don't need much explanation. We met when we were 19 and 21 respectively, we got married just about 2 years later, and we entered into young married life full of love and naivety. I doubt we were the first young adults to not think about how much two people will change in their 20's and 30's and the higher than average likelihood that we would change in divergent ways. Is anyone the same person at 39 that they were at 19? At 42 as they were at 22? Hell, if you're the same person now as you were then I would question what kind of life you're living and what you're learning or not learning.
I wish I could say that Kelly and I reached the end of our marriage with maturity, peace, mutual understanding, a handshake and a hug, and no emotional damage, things we wish we hadn't said, or grand mistakes I think we'd both take back. I would love to say we had that dream-like divorce where we remain great friends. I applaud those former couples who have done that. I truly wish I was one of them.
So what made my marriage fail? That question, as I think about it today, is so multidimensional that I can really only provide some bullet points. I mentioned changing as people and I will say that is the BIG one but let me be really honest and say that the other reasons we failed include mutual lying, loss of trust, infidelity, dishonesty, fear of speaking the hard truths to each other, and staying together longer than we should have to the point where we were both angry at each other and with ourselves for doing so.
But now let me tell you the reasons my marriage DIDN'T fail:
- We didn't fail because of the unmarried couple down the street with two kids out of wedlock.
- We didn't fail because we never went to church together or the minister who married us somehow said the wrong things.
- We didn't fail because her parents didn't like me (though this is true) or I didn't like them (this is also true)
- We didn't fail because the other couple on the other side of town divorced and it was his second divorce and her third.
- We didn't fail because the institution itself is un-realistic or because it's utterly perfect; or because monogamy is unrealistic or because monogamy is perfect and the best way to go.
- We didn't fail because of Hollywood, music, a book, a bad influence, or even the respective people that made both of us stray.
We didn't actually fail at all. We just didn't want to be married anymore. And I can only speak for myself but my experience within marriage has made me question whether I ever want to be married again. Given my experiences I think that's fairly normal.
And yet nothing in me today or tomorrow makes me think I or anyone else has the right to tell the 3 times married guy that he can't get married again because, hey, 3 strikes and you're out. I would never tell Katy Perry not to get married again (I was rooting for you, Katy, and I still think Russell Brand seems like a fun guy!). I would never tell George Clooney to stop being a serial dater. That's not my right.
Getting married in 2013 with all the statistics of it's failure rate and all the people we know personally who have seen the pain of divorce and the legal complications it can take to undo a marriage is, in my view, a remarkable leap of faith. We have a society that is totally fine with two people not getting married. And yet so many, for reasons all their own, want to make that choice. And that is kinda rad.
My marriage didn't work out. My next relationship or, wow... hard to imagine... but my next marriage (yeah, hard to imagine!) will not be affected by who else can get married. The sanctity of the institution, as so many like to say, is just fine. It will always be fine. There will be people who can make that commitment and they will make it awesome through the good and the bad. They may get it right the first time like my late grandparents did or they may need to get it wrong first before they get it right (Johnny and June?).
Love should be celebrated. Commitment to anything should be admired.
So why in the blue hell would we want to stop anyone from going there?
Truth be told, for all my doubts, pain, or cynicism, I find the question a bit ridiculous.
J