and now for something unexpected...
I've been trying to write lately, which has been a downhill battle. Seems as though my brain has gone numb. I'm still not really sure what to think of my current situation, all of this is so new, and unbelievable. You get used to something for so long you come to except that, this is the way it will always be, and you cope. But now, everything has changed. I didn't think it was possible for one single person to be able to throw everything into perspective, and at the same time, confuse the shit out of me. But I guess this is the way things go sometimes. I'm so used to being a relationship, that either lacks and real emotion, or is one sided. I don't know what to do with myself. I've broken so many personal rules about getting attached, and not getting ahead of myself. But here I am. And whats even worse, is the fact that now I have something so pure and wonderful, I'm subconsiously trying to fuck myself out of it. I've been so paranoid the last week or so. I don't really have a reason for it, other then the fact that I've been fucked over so many times, and the thought of lossing this is out of my realm of comprehension. All I know, is that I'm in love. Real love. Movie love. The kind of love songs and novels are written about. And I'm scared shitless. Thinking about now being here, has made me more paranoid about stupid little things. Everyone needs space. I agree. Even me at times, but why do I feel like I'm at fault when you need space. Maybe its because of my lack of funds, and or motivation to do anything. Maybe its just wearing down at you. I also feel like I'm a burden at times. Always there. Jesus. I shouldn't care so much, I feel like my head is going to explode trying to analyze every little thing that happens, which is not like me at all. I need to calm down. Chill out, and slow down. I don't want this to end anytime in the near future. I've never had the thought of spending years with someone, in a relationship, together. To be honest, it makes me sick to my stomach. I am so not used to this, and I know it goes both ways, and it isn't any easier on the other side. Hopefully I will just get over myself, so I can enjoy this the fullest.