~*~
In the past several months I have ceased to say "I love you" to the people who mean something to me and ceased to express what is meant by those words in other ways. In the past, I challenged myself to try to live every day, every greeting and every goodbye as if it were my last one with each person I met. I learned to do this after Serge died that day long ago, because I didn't say goodbye when I had the chance, and assumed that I would see him later that week. He never knew that I cared for him deeply as a friend because I never risked the awkwardness of telling him that. That day, I told myself "Never again." So from then on, I tried my best to live my resolution, and then it was transformed by my experience of unreuited love into altruism. To this resolution, I ammended the following: I shall gift my love without expectation of return.
My friends and aquaintances used to criticize me for this practice. They told me that I overused that statement, and in doing so, demonstrated that I was ignorant of what it really meant to love others. Real Love is special, they told me, and you can only have it for a select few people in your life. I said it to everyone, and thus was in error. Obviously there was dissonance between understandings of terms, but I knew exactly what I meant by those words, and I meant them with all my heart. But how could I in my finitude articulate to them the ineffable, or disclose to them the mystery of Divine Life? How could I define in human words a movement of my being so profound that not even the tongues of angels can describe? So I remained ignorant in their sight, and still do.
I've stopped expressing my love for people for a number of reasons I'm sure. However, there are only a few of them which I am aware of. And there is one that I dislike most and seek to upturn. I stopped because it hurt. It hurt for a number of reasons. There are only a few of which I am aware of also. And again there is one reason that I dislike most and seek to now upturn. It hurt because it was often unreciprocated in a number of ways- Some truly did not wish me well at all. Others did love me but not to the same degree or in the same respect. Finally, others did love me, yet showed nothing of it.
I won't let myself fall like this. I may be tired, broken, and tattered, but to betray something like this is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances.
A mystic once said to me "It's never too late in the year for a New Year's resolution." A queer thought given the words, customs and ideas utilized, yet the core truth she was alluding to is nonetheless sound. I resolve to not only renew my former practice, but to revive in my heart and soul the Love with which I loved.
My friends and aquaintances used to criticize me for this practice. They told me that I overused that statement, and in doing so, demonstrated that I was ignorant of what it really meant to love others. Real Love is special, they told me, and you can only have it for a select few people in your life. I said it to everyone, and thus was in error. Obviously there was dissonance between understandings of terms, but I knew exactly what I meant by those words, and I meant them with all my heart. But how could I in my finitude articulate to them the ineffable, or disclose to them the mystery of Divine Life? How could I define in human words a movement of my being so profound that not even the tongues of angels can describe? So I remained ignorant in their sight, and still do.
I've stopped expressing my love for people for a number of reasons I'm sure. However, there are only a few of them which I am aware of. And there is one that I dislike most and seek to upturn. I stopped because it hurt. It hurt for a number of reasons. There are only a few of which I am aware of also. And again there is one reason that I dislike most and seek to now upturn. It hurt because it was often unreciprocated in a number of ways- Some truly did not wish me well at all. Others did love me but not to the same degree or in the same respect. Finally, others did love me, yet showed nothing of it.
I won't let myself fall like this. I may be tired, broken, and tattered, but to betray something like this is unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances.
A mystic once said to me "It's never too late in the year for a New Year's resolution." A queer thought given the words, customs and ideas utilized, yet the core truth she was alluding to is nonetheless sound. I resolve to not only renew my former practice, but to revive in my heart and soul the Love with which I loved.