My journal name gets more ironic every year
I’m writing these words because it’s easier to write them than to say them. Trying to talk often lets conversation in the way. I am scared.
That’s not a very good way to start out a Christmas greeting, but when I thought about what I most wanted to talk to you two about, that’s what it is. I’m scared. I feel like I’m running out of options, and though I’ve never been one to posture about masculinity, I don’t feel like much of a man right now. It makes it harder for me to be close; kinda funny, I think in some ways it helps me understand Dad better now. It’s… an overbearing feeling of shame, like I’ve let everyone down. Talking has never come as easily to me as writing, but it’s worse lately.
I want to say that to someone, because it’s hard to find people to say it to. With mom and dad, I know they have enough to worry about without concerning themselves over my stress. To some degree, I’d rather dad keep his view that I’m something of a lazy, unconcerned, callow youth. With Kalen… well, she’s not my sister or my brother. I don’t know; it’s hard to explain. And it’s not fair to you two either to lay that stress at your feet, but I need to say it to someone, just get it out without hearing or feeling the lurk of ‘I told you so' but knowing that there will still be criticism, because I know I deserve some. Just after I've finished yelling at myself.
I'm scared and I'm crying and
So that’s my moment of vulnerability. Sorry, I guess this letter’s more for me than you.
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This was supposed to be a Christmas letter. I don't know... I just don't know.
That’s not a very good way to start out a Christmas greeting, but when I thought about what I most wanted to talk to you two about, that’s what it is. I’m scared. I feel like I’m running out of options, and though I’ve never been one to posture about masculinity, I don’t feel like much of a man right now. It makes it harder for me to be close; kinda funny, I think in some ways it helps me understand Dad better now. It’s… an overbearing feeling of shame, like I’ve let everyone down. Talking has never come as easily to me as writing, but it’s worse lately.
I want to say that to someone, because it’s hard to find people to say it to. With mom and dad, I know they have enough to worry about without concerning themselves over my stress. To some degree, I’d rather dad keep his view that I’m something of a lazy, unconcerned, callow youth. With Kalen… well, she’s not my sister or my brother. I don’t know; it’s hard to explain. And it’s not fair to you two either to lay that stress at your feet, but I need to say it to someone, just get it out without hearing or feeling the lurk of ‘I told you so' but knowing that there will still be criticism, because I know I deserve some. Just after I've finished yelling at myself.
I'm scared and I'm crying and
So that’s my moment of vulnerability. Sorry, I guess this letter’s more for me than you.
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This was supposed to be a Christmas letter. I don't know... I just don't know.