Everything was black. For so long, there was darkness, and I was floating, weightless, lost. Then slowly, something began to pull me down, pull me in and I went spinning back down into consciousness
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Dawn laughs softly as we walk in. I raise an eyebrow but don't ask. It was like that for me when I changed. The sensations were overwhelming. Sometimes I'd just run for miles, exhilarated, or else laugh about the strangest things. Guess cos it's such a bloody huge jump. Buffy once sarcastically called it "trading up on the food chain", and whilst I didn't like her description, that's what it is. We're stronger, faster, better. Hanging around with humans so much helped me forget that, but I've a feeling Dawn's going to remind me.
"What are you looking for?" asks Dawn, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She's smiling like a girl at her first party. It's funny, how innocent and depraved we can look all at once.
What am I looking for? I appraise the room
( ... )
"A girl."I laugh. "Well, duh. I don't see you going for the boys, somehow." Although it'd be kinda hot, I have to admit. But that would take my mind into a completely different place where I don't think I should be going quite yet. It'd be interesting, though
( ... )
I watch Dawn slide through the crowds, her motions fluid. It's like meeting her all over again, seeing this Dawn. She's different but the same. I wonder if she'll want a new name. Adopt a different voice. Take up period costume, or kimonos. Any of the things that vampires often do when they're turned - me included. Not like I was always a bloody Cockney. But I don't know; those things don't seem so much like Dawn. Besides, there is a kind of amusing irony in her name now
( ... )
Something stirs inside of me a little when I see Spike pulling the girl closer. I didn't even get her name. And I killed her, as good as I killed that guy I brought home. When all of this really started. I tilt my head to the side and watch her body slowly grow limp, feel the heat fading from her skin
( ... )
"She could've been my friend," says Dawn softly, and for a moment I'm back in her bedroom, with her in her knickers and lying on the floor, staring up at me in horror after I killed that boy. That boy whose name neither of us knew. But then she laughs, shrugging it off, and I feel relieved. Strange, though; will take a while to get used to my girl without a conscience.
We dance, and I can see she's almost drunk on her new feelings. She laughs again and throws her head back, running her hands over my body. I grow hard as she rubs aganst me, her eyes meeting my gaze, her cool fingers grazing my neck, my arms.
"I want one," she says into my jaw, and I growl softly, almost a purr
( ... )
I lean back against Spike slightly as he wraps his arms around me. It's comforting in a weird way, cuddly almost. If two soulless vampires can be cuddly. It's kind of sweet, actually, in a weird and morbid way. Dinner is served.I laugh again as Spike unwinds himself from me and melts away, trailing my fingertips down his arm and lingering over his hand, unwilling to let go. I never want to get him go. But he's moving away and the hunger wins out. I focus on the guy, who's already pretty focused on me, and move forward
( ... )
I watch Dawn from the shadows. She moves like a panther, circling her prey, and the poor bloke doesn't see it coming. He's just thinking with his trousers, and I can't blame him. She's a sweet bit, alright.
She takes him to the back of the room and I wait until I see her let go, and then I move over, ready to congratulate her. Except the bloke isn't dead. He is clutching his bleeding neck and staring up at her, his eyes confused.
"Not hungry, pet?" I ask her quizzically, raising my eyebrows. The guy stares at me, then at Dawn.
"She bit me," he says in a puzzled voice. Then he wrinkles his forehead and says, more loudly, "that bitch bit me
( ... )
"You liked it," I whisper, narrowing my eyes at the guy's body. I didn't even get his name. And now he's dead. Because of me. All because of me.
It doesn't matter.
I look up at Spike and shrug. "I just didn't want him to die. Not yet. I mean, it felt kinda... pointless. Doesn't killing ever feel like that? It's like... I got what I wanted and now I can just walk away." I shrug again. Killing the girl in the shop was fun and exhilarating. She was so brittle, fragile, warm and human, things I will never be again. Killing this guy felt sort of unnecessary.
But it's also unnecessary to worry about it. It's just another guy. They're a dime a dozen in this world, staring at you with their mouths hanging open and their brains working overtime, thinking if I could just...Better off without them, really
( ... )
"Pointless?" I tilt my head to the side. Never really thought of it like that before. "Dunno, pet. I don't think most vampires kill cos it has a point. We could, if we wanted, go all Anne Rice and just sip off people and beat ourselves up about it if we accidentally killed someone. But most don't. Cos killing... is fun." I feel her body close to mine and I'm hard again. Never thought turning Dawn would make me so turned on. I put my hands on the back of her thighs. "That's why we do it." I lick her neck. "The hunt, the kill... It's sweet." I smile at her. "I admit, this bloke wasn't a challenge. He was just annoying me." I stroke her cheek. "Just as long as you're not feeling guilty. 'S'all right if you can't be arsed to kill someone. Just don't feel bad if you do. They're not worth it. None of them
( ... )
"I know," I whisper against his skin. Again, I wonder if he misses my breath. I don't. I feel like I should be worried about that, but I'm not, and I'm not worried about not being worried. It goes on and on. And none of it matters. "I get it. And I'm not a fan of Anne Rice
( ... )
God, I love the pressure of her teeth on my lip. Kind of thing that might encourage a man to just whip up a girl's skirt and take her on the dance floor, rest of the world be damned. And maybe we'll do it. Just not tonight.
"We should go see, then."Yeah. We've got someone else to worry about right now. If worry's the right word. It's hard to tell from Dawn's voice; it's too even, too calm. No idea what she's thinking
( ... )
Waiting on the porch, I cross my arms even though it's not cold. I don't feel cold. Right now, I don't really feel much of anything.
How weird, that I can't go into my own house anymore without an invitation. My goddamn house. Suddenly, I just have this wild urge to set the place on fire, everything, leave it in flames and run away, like Spike and I ran through the alleys, my body fast and compliant and everything would be simple and easy. Just torch this fucking mess of a life that I left behind now that I'm dead and go far away, just me and Spike.
But there's still Willow.
Apparently she's not dead yet, because she lets me in, even though she has no idea why. I wonder if she even realizes what she's saying. I slip past Spike once we're inside and approach her, the weak, crumpled figure at the foot of the stairs. What a fucking mess. And she'd caused me so much trouble. And now she's nothing.
The air smells like blood and fear and pain - how fucking weird is that, that I can smell how people feel? - and Willow is so pale. She's
( ... )
"What are you looking for?" asks Dawn, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She's smiling like a girl at her first party. It's funny, how innocent and depraved we can look all at once.
What am I looking for? I appraise the room ( ... )
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We dance, and I can see she's almost drunk on her new feelings. She laughs again and throws her head back, running her hands over my body. I grow hard as she rubs aganst me, her eyes meeting my gaze, her cool fingers grazing my neck, my arms.
"I want one," she says into my jaw, and I growl softly, almost a purr ( ... )
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She takes him to the back of the room and I wait until I see her let go, and then I move over, ready to congratulate her. Except the bloke isn't dead. He is clutching his bleeding neck and staring up at her, his eyes confused.
"Not hungry, pet?" I ask her quizzically, raising my eyebrows. The guy stares at me, then at Dawn.
"She bit me," he says in a puzzled voice. Then he wrinkles his forehead and says, more loudly, "that bitch bit me ( ... )
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It doesn't matter.
I look up at Spike and shrug. "I just didn't want him to die. Not yet. I mean, it felt kinda... pointless. Doesn't killing ever feel like that? It's like... I got what I wanted and now I can just walk away." I shrug again. Killing the girl in the shop was fun and exhilarating. She was so brittle, fragile, warm and human, things I will never be again. Killing this guy felt sort of unnecessary.
But it's also unnecessary to worry about it. It's just another guy. They're a dime a dozen in this world, staring at you with their mouths hanging open and their brains working overtime, thinking if I could just...Better off without them, really ( ... )
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"We should go see, then."Yeah. We've got someone else to worry about right now. If worry's the right word. It's hard to tell from Dawn's voice; it's too even, too calm. No idea what she's thinking ( ... )
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How weird, that I can't go into my own house anymore without an invitation. My goddamn house. Suddenly, I just have this wild urge to set the place on fire, everything, leave it in flames and run away, like Spike and I ran through the alleys, my body fast and compliant and everything would be simple and easy. Just torch this fucking mess of a life that I left behind now that I'm dead and go far away, just me and Spike.
But there's still Willow.
Apparently she's not dead yet, because she lets me in, even though she has no idea why. I wonder if she even realizes what she's saying. I slip past Spike once we're inside and approach her, the weak, crumpled figure at the foot of the stairs. What a fucking mess. And she'd caused me so much trouble. And now she's nothing.
The air smells like blood and fear and pain - how fucking weird is that, that I can smell how people feel? - and Willow is so pale. She's ( ... )
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