so shocking where's your sense

[lockless_key]

The bath I take as soon as I get home must've lasted for hours. I keep draining the tub partially and filling it up again so the water wouldn't get cold. I think I fell asleep at one point, so I climb out and head to bed so I wouldn't drown, 'cause this would be a bad time in my life to drown. But once in bed, I can't sleep. I just lay there,

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[lockless_key]

As Spike pulls me closer to him, I can feel my skin tingle under the silky cloth, only thin layers of fabric separating our skin, and it seems like there's nothing. The way he makes me feel, I'd do it on the dance floor, but I'm not like that. I never was, no matter how bad I ever got. I like privacy, and I like sweetness, too, as much as the roughness.

If he was just a boy that I liked, that made me feel good and looked worthwhile, what would I do with him? I don't know - it doesn't really compare, because even if he's a stranger to me, he's so much more than all those guys out there that I've never really met and never will. It's obvious.

I slide my fingers up his side and then run my hands down his arms, amazed at the smoothness of his pale skin and the hard muscle underneath. I don't think it'll ever cease to amaze me - I was just as attracted to it when I was fourteen, only now I can do something about it.

"All you have to do is... ask."

I smile. Dawn Summers, being the younger sister, knows how to get what she wants. My hands slide over Spike's arms, coming to rest on his shoulders, then slip to the back of his neck to touch his platinum hair.

"I'd like to get to know you better."

Yeah, I'm just that kind of a girl.

[sired1880spike]

I shiver as Dawn rubs her fingers over my skin. Her hands feel hot against me. She reaches around the back of my neck, and I smile in pleasure. My skin there has always been sensitive. She touches my hair, and I'm pleased, if a little surprised. No one ever touches my hair. I guess it looks more touchable now it's messy, instead of slicked back hard.

"I'd like to get to know you better," says Dawn, a little suggestively, but there's a touch of something real there, too. Something vulnerable hidden behind the smoky eyeliner.

I lead her off the dancefloor to the bar, where I order us drinks. I like the ritual aspect of it - guy meets girl, buys her a drink, they talk in a way that's like dancing, words colliding and caressing, knowing that their bodies will do the same later.

"Know me better?" I ask, tilting my head to the side. I tug gently on the collar of my t-shirt, giving her a glimpse of the skin below, letting her see what things she can get to know better later. "Ask a question then, love - but any answers I give will mean you have to forfeit something," I say, smiling slightly, the corner of my mouth turning up as I look brazenly across her body.

[lockless_key]

The music swirls around me as I wrap my fingers around my drink. I don't know what Spike ordered, and honestly, I don't care. It's not important. What's important is the place, the time, the way his voice rises over the noise and carries over to me. A guy and a girl at the Bronze, it's all so ordinary. So weird, like, this is not my life.

His eyes skim my body, and I'd be annoyed if it was anyone else, but I'm doing the same, watching the flash of pale skin underneath the ripped shirt. And as much as I want to touch him, and have him touch me, this is nice, this weird normality, the talking, the tension.

"Forfeit?" I raise my eyebrows, looking up at him, and lick my lips. The more I gain, the more I lose, is that what it's like? Fine. "I'll play."

Leaning against the bar, I trace patterns over the glass, shake back my hair and bite my lip lightly. "What do you look for in a girl?"

Tricky question. Drusilla, Buffy, different as night and day, and now me, if I even count... but I'd like to know. What he sees in me, what he saw in them, what he looks for in everyone.

[sired1880spike]

Dawn leans back against the bar, her finger tracing the top of her glass, and her white teeth touch her lip. Each move is seductive.

"What do you look for in a girl?" she asks, and again there is that hint of vulnerability. I think for a moment and shrug.

"Dunno. I like... I like a woman with strength of mind." Alright, Dru had been crazy, but she was strong-willed about it. And Buffy had always been so determined, her mind flying straight like an arrow. Dawn, I think, is less like that. Her mind coils and loops. But there's strength there. "I want her to be able to see something in me that other people don't," I say quietly. Dru had seen it. Had found me in an alleyway and plucked something out of the air and made me. Buffy didn't see it, I don't reckon. I wish she had. Dawn, at least, didn't treat me like a monster. "I want someone I can be lost for a while in."

The conversation is taking a decidedly serious tone, and I'm not sure I want that. I scrabble in my pocket and pull out my cigarettes. Lighting one, I add:
"'Course, a good rack and a loose attitude towards the wearing of underwear also helps."

[lockless_key]

For several silent moments I think on what he'd just said. I think about it, and look for each of those things in Buffy, in Drusilla, whom he'd loved the longest. In me.

But I don't even know where I stand. What kind of a relationship is this? We both want each other, and we both care for each other, but there's no love... is there? He's my childhood protector turned undead lover, but what am I to him? I never stopped wanting him, not since I was like, fourteen, but he never felt that way about me until now... Everything's so fucking weird.

"I want someone I can be lost for a while in."

Spike doesn't usually talk about his feelings, doesn't open up easily, so that surprises me. And I agree, too, because I've tried to lose myself in many boys, but it only brought me back around to being too aware of myself.

Then he covers up that moment of clarity with some stupid shallow comment, and the small smile on my face turns into a smirk. "Of course," I agree, how just like Spike.

Moving forward, I pull a cigarette out of the pack and hold it between two fingers, waiting for him to light it for me. "So, what's your plan?" I ask, and smile. What I really want to ask is 'why me?' but I think it's a little too serious for Spike's taste right now, and probably mine as well.

[sired1880spike]

I bend and light Dawn's cigarette with my own still in my mouth. Neat trick if you can pull it off, and of course I can. I straighten up. I'm glad she hasn't pushed me about what I've said. She doesn't get on my case, and I'm grateful. I feel like with Dawn I can just "be", whatever the hell that means.

"So what's your plan?" she asks, smiling at me.

"My plan, love, is to make you think it's a good idea to go home with me," I say, tracing a finger along the curve of her jaw. "How long d'you reckon it'll take?" I ask, raising an eyebrow and letting my hand settle on her hip, my thumb gently rubbing the skin between her shirt and skirt.

[lockless_key]

Spike lights my cigarette and I take a deep drag, feeling the smoke flood my mouth. It tastes like him to me, now, whatever brand he smokes, because I know how he tastes. It's a thrilling thought.

"It's never a good idea to go home with strangers," I say softly, feeling the cool weight of his hand on my hip. Raising my eyes to his face, I take in his appearance again - the messy hair, the dark-lined eyes, the ripped shirt and the silver spikes around his wrist. And I know I want him, but I also want to know him, the Spike that he was before Sunnydale and Buffy and all of that happened. I want to know how things would've been between us if he hadn't been my caretaker. If we were just two perfect strangers.

"But then again," I say, shrugging, "I've never been a very sensible girl."

[sired1880spike]

"It's never a good idea to go home with strangers," she says, looking at me, her eyes thoughtful.

"'S right, pet," I say. "Sunnydale's full of bad things, and how are you to know I'm not one of them?"

"I've never been a very sensible girl," she says with a graceful shrug, and I smile.

"I'm not a very sensible boy, either," I say. "Got me in trouble more than once. But I won't hurt you tonight. Not in a way you don't want, anyway," I add softly, my mouth close to her ear, and I can feel the heat of her desire.

I step back and take her hand.

"Walk with me," I say, and it's more of a request than a command. "I'm fed up of being around other people tonight." I look down at her, straight into her eyes, and my next words are warm and low. "All I want right now is you." I straighten up. "And if you don't trust me, we can go to your place," I add lightly, as if I were just some bloke picking up a girl and doing his best to make her feel comfortable. At least it can be that simple tonight.

[lockless_key]

I like how he calls himself a boy. He's what, a hundred and thirty now, and yet I swear, sometimes it's like he's still on my mental level. There were times before he left, and we were together, he'd act like one of my classmates. It was refreshing, then, an adult who didn't treat me like I was five and didn't act so much older and wiser.

I could be myself around him, comfortable. I hope he can feel that way around me.

He takes my hand and I lace my fingers through his, feeling his skin warm up slowly against mine. My cheeks flush as he mentions hurting me. Yeah, I've got bite marks all over to prove that true. It's weird, I never used to be into that, I mean, not really, but with Spike, it's different. With him, pain is hard to avoid, and you don't really want to avoid it anyway.

I glance down for a moment, then back up at him. "I don't trust you," I say with a small smile, because it's true, I don't, I don't trust anyone, not even myself, "don't take it personally. But I've got a roommate that's not all there, so maybe we should avoid her."

Squeezing his hand lightly, I take a step towards him. "Let's go."

[sired1880spike]

It's funny, this not-knowing game we're playing. It can let Dawn say that Willow's just some weird roomie. Pretend that's all she is.

"Don't take it personally, love. I don't really trust myself, either," and I frown slightly, even though the line was meant to come out lightly. I don't trust myself with her, and that's the truth, and maybe that's why this game appeals to me, cos it's taking me away from having to trust myself, to think of what's best even though it's against my nature.

We walk out into the dark, and the air is crisp. Her fingers are hot pressed against my palm, and she smells of smoke and salt and flowers.

I think about taking her back to my crypt, but it occurs to me that if Dawn didn't really know me, the idea of being shagged in a tomb would probably be disturbing. And if we go back there, all I'll think about is last night. I want tonight to feel different.

So I lead her down a narrow street to a darker part of town, to a place lit with a red neon light. The kind of hotel that rents by the hour, and the clerk asks no questions of a couple who smell of a nightclub and bring no luggage. We don't even talk. I just hand him a furl of bills and he gives me a key. The fob is of a ceramic heart, and we find out why when we reach the room. The bed is heart shaped too.

"Lovely," I say, raising my eyebrows at Dawn. Still, I like the place's anonymity... and the bundle of goods by the bed. Handcuffs and the like, all vaccuum sealed in plastic. It makes me laugh slightly, these sordid things so hygienically wrapped, and then I turn and kiss Dawn lightly, lightly on the lips.

[lockless_key]

As we walk I think about Spike's words. "I don't really trust myself either." I trust him not to hurt me, physically, or at least not too much, but I don't trust him when it comes to depending on him. I did once and he left. I trust his hands on me, but I don't trust his presence in my life. It's weird, isn't it? And wrong. Weird and wrong.

Story of my life.

We walk down the street, hand in hand, the punk and his club-kid girlfriend. My hand in his feels weird because it's so ordinary. Normal people hold hands. We fuck and destroy.

He leads me to a shady hotel, lit up all dim in an attempt to be dramatic. I can't help but giggle as we pay the clerk and get the key. That guy knows exactly what happens in this place and he's never in on the action. I toss my hair at him as we walk away, it's mean but I can't help but taunt him.

I laugh outright when I see the room. It's kind of cute, in a terribly cliche way. So damn tragic, the heart-shaped bed and all. And there's a bunch of things at the bedside which make me blush. This should be interesting. Spike turns and kisses me softly, and I kiss him back. Sliding my hands up his arms to wrap around his shoulders, I press my body against his and think that this is how these things should happen, gently and shyly, exploring and tasting.

[sired1880spike]

It's like a first kiss should be, I suppose. Gentle and exploratory. This time I don't make her lip bleed. I don't kiss her with anger. It's just a kiss, and a good one

I step back after a minute. I take a lock of her hair in my hand and run my fingers through it. For a moment I think of how Buffy would stroke Dawn's hair and I feel a surge of grief, but then it's gone. That Dawn is gone, too, and now there's just her and me in a sleazy room, wondering where we go from here.

"Tell me what you want, love," I say quietly in her ear. I don't want her to do what I want, or for me to show her things that she'll like. I want to know what Dawn wants without my prompting. What would make her happiest, most satisfied tonight. Last night had been bloody amazing, and Dawn had loved it too, but it'd been on my terms. I want to see what her terms are. I smile at her in the gloom of the room. "Anything. You can't shock me. Not even with ordinariness," I add, the corner of my mouth curling upwards.

[lockless_key]

Ordinary. Have I, or any of us, ever been ordinary? Well, I suppose Willow and Xander had been once, and Spike, too, a long time ago. I had never been. I only thought I was, and that was for several short months. Nothing in my life has ever been ordinary. It's such a strange concept.

I look over to the heart-shaped bed, covered with a red throw, and smile. Our surroundings are more amusing to me than anything else. It's so typical, like a bad soap opera or something, it's sooo romantic except it isn't. Except it is what we make it, I guess.

What I want. What do I want? Reaching down for Spike's hand, I lace my fingers through his, then look back up at him. My other arm I wrap around his shoulders, pulling him closer, feeling the place where his heart should beat. What I want is him. But I guess what I want is to make up the chance that we never had, to meet, to sleep together for the first time, to get to know each other more intimately. Sex doesn't always mean intimacy.

There was intimacy last night, but of a very different kind. And as much as I love what Spike does, as much as I want it, I feel like we deserve that chance, that discovery.

Running my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, I look up at him, watching his mouth smile, watching his eyes watch me. "I won't tell you," I whisper, lips brushing against his cheek. "I'll show you."

And I pull him over to the bed.

[sired1880spike]

Dawn takes my hand, lacing her fingers through mine, and it's such a trusting gesture that for a moment I ache. I don't know that I've ever really felt close to anybody. I don't know if I can now. But perhaps we can pretend for a little while.

I squeeze her fingers gently. She strokes the back of my neck.
"I won't tell you," she whispers teasingly, her lips just touching my cheek, her breath warm. "I'll show you."

We move over to the bed and sit on its cheap satinette sheets. Better be careful I don't smoke in bed, I reckon. That stuff looks flammable.

I cup Dawn's jaw with my hand and trace her cupid's bow with my forefinger.

"Then show me, love," I say, lying down on the bed, my hands behind my head, looking up at her. "I'm all yours."

[lockless_key]

As Spike lays back on the bed, looking up at me, I think for a moment of the maids, feeling bad for them. Must suck to work here, when you know exactly what you'll be cleaning up. Then I shrug it off. Not what I should be thinking about right now.

"I'm all yours."

I smile, looking down at him. Good. Bending down, I quickly unzip my boots and step out of them, kicking them aside. Straightening up, I toss my hair over my shoulder, holding Spike's gaze for a moment while my fingers wrap around the bottom of my shirt. And then it's gone, off over my head and I shake down my hair, standing in front of Spike in only a bra and a skirt. I catch his eyes and hold the gaze, then move towards him.

On the bed, I straddle him, legs on either side of his hips, but our bodies don't touch. I bend down to kiss him, lightly, on the lips, then bite his lip gently as one of my hands slides down his body and under his shirt, sliding up his chest. I watch his eyes watching me and my heart speeds up.

[sired1880spike]

Dawn looks thoughtful for a minute. I wonder what's going on behind her eyes. Is the place too sleazy? It is pretty nasty, I admit, and though I've always quite liked that, she might not.

But then she takes off her shirt and drops it onto the shag pile carpet, and her hair is around her shoulders and bloody hell, she's a vision.

She climbs on top of me, her legs on either side of me, and her skirt rises up enough for me to see the bite mark on her thigh. It mades me hard in an instant. She kisses me gently, then bites my lip and her fingers graze my chest. It's hard work not to pull her down on top of me; I can feel the distance between us like a solid thing. But this is her show tonight. She's in charge. Not often I've let a woman be the one to call the shots, but I reckon it'll be good for Dawn. So instead I just look at her, watching her cheeks flush because her heart's speeding up, and enjoy the feel of her fingers against my skin.

"Whatever you want, pet," I say softly, "I'll do." I look at her lovely face and have to force myself not to move. "Anything at all."