won't you join me now, baby's looking torn and frayed
I think it was mostly shock and exhaustion, but my head cleared as soon as I hit the pillow. I thought I was going to stay up, staring at the ceiling and thinking all night long, but I was out. For all of four hours. Didn't even dream
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Her eyes glitter.
"Guess you think you know a lot about the dark, pet," I say coolly. "Cos you stake vampires and you go clubbing and probably sleep with boys your mum wouldn't have liked." The hard, brittle shell around Dawn is making me angry. She thinks she knows what darkness is, but she hasn't even begun. But her attitude means that she's more likely to fall, cos she reckons she's seen it all. Probably thinks she knows my darkness. But she doesn't. None of the Scoobies ever really saw it, cos even before I had the chip I was hampered by my disability and my hatred of Angel. None of them ever saw me at my best - or I could call it my worst.
I stub out the cigarette hard.
"We should go," I say abruptly, tossing some notes onto the table for the waitress to pick up. My blood was up again. I felt on edge. I wanted to hunt. No, that wasn't right. I wanted to kill. Preferably something that would fight back, even give me a black eye or two, so I'd stop doing this sodding self-analysis and feel like myself again.
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The way Spike talks, the way he looks at me, it pisses me off. I don't think I know everything, but I know a lot more than fourteen year-old Dawnie knew when her vampire babysitter took off. And then he comes back and acts like everything I've been through is so fuckin' insignificant. Yeah, you're hot shit now, little girl, keep fooling yourself.
"Yeah, okay," I say, and the words come out angry and clipped. I know more than you think you do. And not because I 'go clubbing' and 'sleep with boys'. No matter how much shit I go through, it'll never be enough, will it? I'm never going to be anything other than a little girl with delusions of grandeur in anyone's eyes. In Spike's eyes.
I push away from the table and step out of the booth, brushing past Spike. "Off to do Big Bad Vampire Things?" I call out over my shoulder. I don't care. Watch me not care.
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"Yeah, something like that." My voice is hard. She still thinks I'm the Spike who babysat her. But a lot has happened to me. To think, I could hurt her now if I wanted to. And it's tempting, to show her what danger is really like. I can see the vein in her throat pulse.
Bloody hell. Bloody sodding hell. I can't be thinking like this. This is Dawn.
But why shouldn't I think like this? That's what I'm supposed to think. I'm a vampire, for fuck's sake. I'm meant to want to kill girls. But Dawn managed to worm her way into my heart years ago and I can't bear the thought of hurting her. But at the same time I sort of like it.
"I'm going to do a bit of slaying," I say coldly. "Reckon the town could do with a clean up." That's cruel, and deliberately so, and when I say it I regret it. Dawn shouldn't have to feel bad because she's not slaying enough. She should feel bad because she does it at all.
"Look, I'm sorry," I say stiffly. "I just... I'll see you later, alright?"
I pull on my duster and leave the restaurant without looking back.
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