won't you join me now, baby's looking torn and frayed

[lockless_key]

I think it was mostly shock and exhaustion, but my head cleared as soon as I hit the pillow. I thought I was going to stay up, staring at the ceiling and thinking all night long, but I was out. For all of four hours. Didn't even dream

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[sired1880spike]

London. Yes, it would be good to go back. I miss it. I've seen it on TV over the last few years, watched how it's changed, but I haven't stepped foot on English soil in too many years. I was born in London more than 150 years ago, and I think someday soon it'll be time to go back.

But for now, I want to make sure Dawn gets through the next year or so of her life without buggering it up too much. I've got a lot to atone for when it comes to her.

I sound like bloody Angel, don't I?

Dawn looks over at me when I ask her what she wants to do,

"Anything in mind?

I shrug back at her.

"When was the last time you ate something? I mean an actual meal where you sit down?" I ask. "Cos I reckon you could do with a bit of feeding up, pet. I'll take you to get something to eat. Nowhere fancy, mind," I add. "Don't want to sit underneath chandeliers." Besides which, a proper restaurant would make me feel like we were... on a date or something. Which is a stupid idea. No, I'd take Dawn somewhere I could ensure she'd have some calories shoved down her throat and I'd have a beer, and it wouldn't be strange and uncomfortable at all. I hoped.

[lockless_key]

Spike's thinking so hard, I can almost see the little wheels turning underneath his bleached hair. What are we gonna do with little Dawnie now, eh? All fucked up and nowhere to go. Or something. I almost want to say, hey, if it's so much responsibility, don't stick around, but he came back because I guess he wanted the responsibility. Or felt bad for not sticking around the first time. Regardless.

Right now I won't place too much hope in the idea of getting out of Sunnydale after graduation, or the idea of leaving with Spike. It'll be a possibility I'll keep in the back of my mind but won't depend on. There's just not enough proof for anything.

Spike suggests food. It's so cute how he's all, gotta make sure Dawnie gets her daily serving of all the food groups. I don't even rememeber that stupid pyramid, I've been eating all sporadic-like for so long. But I have to laugh. I mean, how freakin' domestic?

"Yeah, cause chandeliers are totally of the bad," I nod, frowning slightly. He's gonna take me out for dinner? Hey, I'm not a girl to pass up a free meal, but... dinner. It sounds all date-y, which it's totally not because, hello, it's me and Spike, and I'm like, his little sister that wasn't. But still, food.

"Actual meals are so overrated." I roll my eyes for show but grin. "Although, hey, free food. You know a place?" Lead on, Captain.

[sired1880spike]

"As a matter of fact, I do," I say, grinning at Dawn. She's rolling her eyes but it's just for show, I can tell that. Things are getting more comfortable between us.

I don't exactly know about the good places in Sunnydale. The kind of place I take Dawn to is the sort of place Buffy would've kicked my arse for showing her. But Buffy's not here, and Dawn's different, and it isn't that bad of a place, not really. The clientele is shady, but they do good grub, and weapons are left at the door. That's a start.

Unlike the rest of California, this is the kind of place you can smoke whilst you eat, and that's one reason why I come here. It's pretty dark in here; some of the customers don't like a lot of light. Lights burn behind red glass lampshades, and cigarette smoke coils through the air. I can smell beer and frying food. Brilliant.

A waitress directs us into a booth. The seats are faded red velvet and the table is formica, dressed up as wood. Dawn doesn't look all that impressed.

"Wait for the food, pet," I say. "You don't need good decor when you've got a plateful of this place's stuff."

I encourage Dawn to order as much as she wants. I just get a plate of chicken wings and a beer. Food for me is just a pleasure, not sustenance, and I'm eating more to keep Dawn company than anything else.

The food comes in huge, glorious piles. I light up and watch Dawn eat. I reckon she's a good few pounds underweight. Her skin is too pale. She hasn't seen much sunlight in a while, I reckon, and by the looks of her she's living more on coffee than anything solid.

"You've got to take care of yourself, pet," I say quietly. "I know, it's boring, and I sound like somebody's dad, but humans just aren't made to keep going on caffeine." I draw hard on my Marlboro.

[lockless_key]

"Step up from a demon bar." The place isn't too bad, a little shady-like, but who am I to judge? I'm not big on decor lately, it's all about what's inside. And what's in here is some good, greasy, solid food. And that's all good.

I chew on a few fries and smirk at Spike's words. Take care of myself? Yeah, okay. I'll just go resurrect my mother and my sister, start doing really well in school, apply and get into college, somehow get enough money to actually go, make some normal friends, get a boyfriend...

Right.

"That's what I'm doing," My hand with a chicken strip pauses in midair as I look at Spike. "I mean, in between the schooling and the slaying and my job - I mean, my other job - and the just trying to stay sane, it's the best I can do. Besides, isn't that what caffeine is for, keeping you going? 'Cause otherwise I'm severely misinformed."

I pause, chewing thoughtfully on a fry. I'm tempted to tell Spike that I don't need him to tell me what I should be doing and how I should be living, but I'm pretty sure he got that part along with the resentment issues. Besides, what would be the point? It'd just piss both of us off.

"So where have you been, other than not here?" I ask instead.

[sired1880spike]

I sigh as Dawn bristles at me. One step forward, two steps back seems to be how we're playing the game at the moment. I know I sounded too parental. Funny how William the Bloody, who never had a responsible thought in his head, could turn into such a sodding nag.

I light another cigarette and raise my free hand in surrender.
"Alright, pet. Forget I said it. I know you're old enough to fend for yourself. Just want to help you out if needs be."

I sit back in my chair and watch her eat. It reminds me of the days when Dawn would perform her cereal experiments, except back then her mouth wasn't quite as ripe, and her cheekbones were better hidden under childish flesh.

I don't know why I'm thinking like this.

"So where have you been, other than not here?"

I shrug.

"Here and there," I say. "For the first few months I didn't really drag myself out of California. I spent some time in South America, too. Brazil, mostly. Rio and all that." And jungles and tiny towns where I was demonio peligroso. But I don't talk about that, the savage pleasure I had felt in sowing fear even though I couldn't actually cause any pain. "I headed back to the US then. Spent some time in New York. My old stomping ground." I flick ash into the ash tray. "Then I found -" I catch myself, almost about to say that I'd found the chip wasn't working. "I was bored," I finish. "So I went to new places, saw... a lot of things. The good, the bad and the downright ugly and all that." I look at her as I grind out the cigarette. "But I kept wondering about you and how you were. So I came back."

[lockless_key]

"Ooh, Rio. Were you there for the Carnivale? That'd be pretty cool to see." Add another place to Dawn's list of Places She Will Never Go. Although I shouldn't keep thinking like this. I remember when I used to be the optimist. Although I guess I'm the only one now, so it doesn't matter what stance I take.

I lace my fingers together and rest my chin on them, studying Spike as he talks. I don't know why I keep doing that, looking for a change, I guess. Maybe I think that because I've changed so much, he should have too. But while three years is a lot to us humans, to someone like Spike it's a blink and a breath. There's no change that I can see. Just a hell of a lot of conscientious babble.

"Yeah, it sounds like it would be pretty lonely," I saw slowly, glancing down at my food and then back up at Spike. "Spending all that time alone... but were you? Alone?" For all I know, he could've met up with Drusilla and had a party and she dumped him again. Although I don't think he did, because-

"Do you still love her?"

I open my mouth and words come out. Sometimes I shouldn't do that. I don't know where my thought process goes. Although I guess I have a right to know. I'm not the girl who backs down because it's none of her business. That doesn't bother me.