(no subject)
whoa...about a month passed by before i got the response and i had forgotten about it..then i got that and thought wow, for a woman who fought so hard...she had been sick for 12 years, binging and taking laxatives and throwing up...and one day she decided to kill herself and then my some miracle the neighbor whom she was going to ask for the gun (under a false pretense of course) wasn't home. she got a call from a friend from church who knew about her bulimia and her friend told her about this hospital and this doctor...and then she went. the doctors couldn't believe she was even still alive because of her laxative addiction, so she was close to death on account of that and her own suicidal urges. and then things slowly began to turn around and she came to terms with so much emotional turmoil in her life and just the accounts of all her relationships at the hospital ...its so touching and inspiring...and to think that after all that breast cancer jumps in and takes her away. i can't believe it! i had been wondering why, when i did internet searches for her, nothing had come up...but i never thought that she wasn't living anymore!
in any case...maybe in honor of that, i don't know...i'm not going to purge this last binge. i've been binging today, yesterday, and friday. well, mostly today and yesterday. friday i just ate a meal that was high in calories but i don't think it was a binge...and then a snack that was high in calories but i don't think that was a binge either. but the weekends are so hard sometimes...
i had gone approximately two weeks!!!! two weeks without a binge!!!!!
i hadn't even realized it, you know?!? it was so crazy, i wasn't even counting! i don't even know if it was exactly two weeks or what, but what i was trying to do was restrict to make up for the constant binging purging over the previous three weeks...and in my failed efforts to restrict...in my "overeating" from a restricting point of view...i think i may have actually been eating almost normally! almost. probably not entirely enough if i felt the need to binge the way i've been....but it was the most stabilized eating i've done in a long time, and i didn't even realize there was no binging until friday when i ate crappy food with my friend and thought, wow, hey, cool, okay, i *deserve* this then!
well no more little rewards for me.
apparently i was in way over my head. deserving that seemed like a rite of passage to a nonstop weekend binge. and i've been feeling the sense of urgency, the serious out of controlness....and i haven't been purging. which is crazy to me. but i know its just because i'm home. i still have some rules for myself. no purging at home, whatsoever. i used to do it, but i don't anymore. so i am convinced i still have some level of self-control if i can follow through on my rule.
when i binge i'm in a trance and nothing can stop me. i feel out of reach from other people. it happens as soon as i start letting myself feel. when i'm not wrapped up in work. i wrote a long thing about my parents that i plan on showing my therapist this week. and i felt feelings that i could not handle, so i binged.
I AM SCARED TO FEEL ANYTHING!!!!
why is taste so important? and why must i shove food into me the way i do? why do i blank out from the rest of the world? why did i need to not only buy the at-home binge food, but an in-hand binge food to have something to eat on the WAY home? (a block away). why was i so desperate to open it the second i got out of the store? why did i feel like i was putting on an act in the store? stay calm, don't show them how badly you want to tear open these bags while you're waiting on line...about how you have urges to just stuff the food in your bag and leave the store so you can eat it right this second, how you have no patience for these stupid customers taking their sweet time...don't they know you're HUNGRY!?!?
wtf, you know?
in any case...maybe in honor of that, i don't know...i'm not going to purge this last binge. i've been binging today, yesterday, and friday. well, mostly today and yesterday. friday i just ate a meal that was high in calories but i don't think it was a binge...and then a snack that was high in calories but i don't think that was a binge either. but the weekends are so hard sometimes...
i had gone approximately two weeks!!!! two weeks without a binge!!!!!
i hadn't even realized it, you know?!? it was so crazy, i wasn't even counting! i don't even know if it was exactly two weeks or what, but what i was trying to do was restrict to make up for the constant binging purging over the previous three weeks...and in my failed efforts to restrict...in my "overeating" from a restricting point of view...i think i may have actually been eating almost normally! almost. probably not entirely enough if i felt the need to binge the way i've been....but it was the most stabilized eating i've done in a long time, and i didn't even realize there was no binging until friday when i ate crappy food with my friend and thought, wow, hey, cool, okay, i *deserve* this then!
well no more little rewards for me.
apparently i was in way over my head. deserving that seemed like a rite of passage to a nonstop weekend binge. and i've been feeling the sense of urgency, the serious out of controlness....and i haven't been purging. which is crazy to me. but i know its just because i'm home. i still have some rules for myself. no purging at home, whatsoever. i used to do it, but i don't anymore. so i am convinced i still have some level of self-control if i can follow through on my rule.
when i binge i'm in a trance and nothing can stop me. i feel out of reach from other people. it happens as soon as i start letting myself feel. when i'm not wrapped up in work. i wrote a long thing about my parents that i plan on showing my therapist this week. and i felt feelings that i could not handle, so i binged.
I AM SCARED TO FEEL ANYTHING!!!!
why is taste so important? and why must i shove food into me the way i do? why do i blank out from the rest of the world? why did i need to not only buy the at-home binge food, but an in-hand binge food to have something to eat on the WAY home? (a block away). why was i so desperate to open it the second i got out of the store? why did i feel like i was putting on an act in the store? stay calm, don't show them how badly you want to tear open these bags while you're waiting on line...about how you have urges to just stuff the food in your bag and leave the store so you can eat it right this second, how you have no patience for these stupid customers taking their sweet time...don't they know you're HUNGRY!?!?
wtf, you know?