(no subject)
also, my cd is finished. i'm sending it off to be replicated tomorrow. this is the latest very good news in my life. today it seriously feels like its making up for the shit. Actually, here's what happened today before any music news happened:
I had eaten a normal sized breakfast, and four hours later, I wasn't hungry (physically) but out of nowhere, it seemed, i needed a very specific food from a specific store down the block that was triggering for me, and i needed to eat it and purge. i had done this everyday for almost three weeks at work. i'd get there early and eat in private and go to the corner bathroom where all was quiet and exit, proud - in a lonely kind of way - that no one had even noticed i was gone.
It felt like a trance today. I haven't purged in about a week, i've been either restricing or eating normally. i really felt like a character in village of the damned who had been put into a trance. i went through the motions in a very calm fog. told my coworkers i'd be back in a few minutes. grabbed my purse and walked out the door, i didn't look at anyone, just proceeded to the elevator, down the block, into the store. it occurred to me that i could still change my mind, but i remained indifferent to that option. i bought my food, went back into the office, and was greeted by a 60 something coworker who told me the other day that his father-in-law was dying of cancer. I asked him how he was. He told me he was okay, but things were not good. his wife's father had been moved into a hospice and was receiving no medication, just morphine. he told me he was touched the other day when i offered to listen and console him. I said hey, anytime jim, and he shook my hand. i smiled, he smiled, i walked away to my desk.
i thought of how selfish i was that i was creating all this pain for myself and here was a man who was in tremendous involuntary pain for his family. I thought before I ate and purged I would go smoke a cigarette. I went out on the fire escape and smoked a cigarette and listened to fiona apple's song where she sings, "You're all I need" and i thought about the bulimia. i got really fed up with myself for needing it so much. i put out my cigarette, went inside and checked my phone messages. The graphic artist had called. She was finished. She was excited. She said it looked so great. so much better than before.
i don't remember the exact moment i laid the food aside, still in the bag, deciding to put some other things first. and i don't remember exactly why i decided to cut it in half and offer the other half to a coworker, intending to eat my half void of guilt. But I did put it aside, and I did pick it up a half hour later, walked to the kitchen area, got a plastic knife, and cut it in half. put the half in the bag and walked to eddie's desk. "eddie, do you want half of this?" he mocked the way i gestured when i said it. i pretended not to feel slightly embarrassed and asked him again. (eddie is a nice guy and when he makes jokes it means he likes you. for a while he didn't make any jokes to me. that's because i come off as weird and people-pleasing in the work-place. but i've been much more laid-back as of late, and so he's been calling me by my last name and smiling at me and making fun of the way i - nervously? - gesture). I said, "I'd smell it before turning down the offer." "When did you buy it?" "Ahhh what's that supposed to mean? Its fresh!" "Well you told me to smell it." "That's because in case you were thinking of turning it down, you should know what you're missing." he smelled it. said, "I'll keep it for later, i'll have it after lunch." (After lunch! and i was scared to have HALF of it as a whole meal!) I said, "And just so you know, I bought it an hour ago." "If not, I know where you sit." "Ahh but Eddie I'm quick!"
and then i ate my half, went on with my work (that i love by the way) and some-odd minutes later became ill and ran to the bathroom and it came out the way mother nature intended it to. but my stomach and back had suddenly become painfully queasy and it was horrible! i keep teasing my digestive system. i think its starting to wonder whether to take me seriously.
I had eaten a normal sized breakfast, and four hours later, I wasn't hungry (physically) but out of nowhere, it seemed, i needed a very specific food from a specific store down the block that was triggering for me, and i needed to eat it and purge. i had done this everyday for almost three weeks at work. i'd get there early and eat in private and go to the corner bathroom where all was quiet and exit, proud - in a lonely kind of way - that no one had even noticed i was gone.
It felt like a trance today. I haven't purged in about a week, i've been either restricing or eating normally. i really felt like a character in village of the damned who had been put into a trance. i went through the motions in a very calm fog. told my coworkers i'd be back in a few minutes. grabbed my purse and walked out the door, i didn't look at anyone, just proceeded to the elevator, down the block, into the store. it occurred to me that i could still change my mind, but i remained indifferent to that option. i bought my food, went back into the office, and was greeted by a 60 something coworker who told me the other day that his father-in-law was dying of cancer. I asked him how he was. He told me he was okay, but things were not good. his wife's father had been moved into a hospice and was receiving no medication, just morphine. he told me he was touched the other day when i offered to listen and console him. I said hey, anytime jim, and he shook my hand. i smiled, he smiled, i walked away to my desk.
i thought of how selfish i was that i was creating all this pain for myself and here was a man who was in tremendous involuntary pain for his family. I thought before I ate and purged I would go smoke a cigarette. I went out on the fire escape and smoked a cigarette and listened to fiona apple's song where she sings, "You're all I need" and i thought about the bulimia. i got really fed up with myself for needing it so much. i put out my cigarette, went inside and checked my phone messages. The graphic artist had called. She was finished. She was excited. She said it looked so great. so much better than before.
i don't remember the exact moment i laid the food aside, still in the bag, deciding to put some other things first. and i don't remember exactly why i decided to cut it in half and offer the other half to a coworker, intending to eat my half void of guilt. But I did put it aside, and I did pick it up a half hour later, walked to the kitchen area, got a plastic knife, and cut it in half. put the half in the bag and walked to eddie's desk. "eddie, do you want half of this?" he mocked the way i gestured when i said it. i pretended not to feel slightly embarrassed and asked him again. (eddie is a nice guy and when he makes jokes it means he likes you. for a while he didn't make any jokes to me. that's because i come off as weird and people-pleasing in the work-place. but i've been much more laid-back as of late, and so he's been calling me by my last name and smiling at me and making fun of the way i - nervously? - gesture). I said, "I'd smell it before turning down the offer." "When did you buy it?" "Ahhh what's that supposed to mean? Its fresh!" "Well you told me to smell it." "That's because in case you were thinking of turning it down, you should know what you're missing." he smelled it. said, "I'll keep it for later, i'll have it after lunch." (After lunch! and i was scared to have HALF of it as a whole meal!) I said, "And just so you know, I bought it an hour ago." "If not, I know where you sit." "Ahh but Eddie I'm quick!"
and then i ate my half, went on with my work (that i love by the way) and some-odd minutes later became ill and ran to the bathroom and it came out the way mother nature intended it to. but my stomach and back had suddenly become painfully queasy and it was horrible! i keep teasing my digestive system. i think its starting to wonder whether to take me seriously.