(no subject)
Oh my god. i have a whole new perspective on life all of a sudden. i can't believe this. this is sooooo wonderful!!!!! okay. two people told me in the past two days, just came up to me randomly and told me that they saw me on the college tv station when i played and that they loved it. One girl said that she cried when she was listening to the cd in her car and that if i promoted it on campus people would receive it well. People keep asking me when i'm going to promote it and i keep saying i will i will....and of course its been because i've been so fucking depressed and into my eating disorder that i've lost all motivation, but the two things that slapped me in the face today were the girl who listened to the cd in her car, and a sort of friend/fellow board member of a club was very very very sad because her boyfried broke up with her (I wasn't supposed to know this) and it was the meeting where as a board we realized that the club was going to be defunct, and i stayed afterwards and talked with her, the coordinator and i just saw how terribly sad she was and i felt terrible (I am good friends with her boyfriend and he had told me earlier about this) and i gave her a tight hug and told her that she looked like she was going through a really hard time and to take care of herself and if she needs to talk she can, (she said "i dont' care about anything in life right now") and i left and went home and got a copy of the cd in which i thanked the club in the liner notes (its a collaborative arts club), hoping it would make her feel better, and i went right back and gave it to her. all that has made a light go on and suddenly i realize that i've been putting way too much pressure on myself to promote the cd and get it out there to this that and the other company and play this gig and that gig and of course all of that is so overwhelming i didn't want to touch any of it! but i had gotten so far removed from the simple fact that i am happier than words can say when my music touches someone, just one person, it could be anybody, and that that has always been the reason i played, and had goals as a musician, because i wanted to touch people, i wanted to communicate with people, and oh my god, what a gift to be able to touch just one person, so i am so fucking excited to touch as many people as i possibly can, and i want to try to do it a little at a time, and focus on just one person at a time, instead of my so-called eventual goal of "success." fuck success!!!! this is my chance to affect people with my music! people right here! this is the very first step of "promotion." god i hate that! i don't even want to look at it as promotion, i want to look at it as me finally getting a chance to have a tangeable item to give people alongside performances. i only want to make a name for myself so that people can know who it is that's reaching out to them, attach a name to the music, the music being the primary entity, speaking for itself, i'm just the person who delivers it. but its my creation and i need need need to get it out there immediately and allow it to speak to whoever may get affected by it. i can't just let it sit here, literally, in a box any longer! jesus what the hell was i thinking?!?!