simple existance
I am in a situation where I have no money, no friends around, I am not able to get a job and I live in a house I am still getting used to as calling "home". And you know, I am content. All of this I have chosen, nobody else. It has given me time to realize the things I never appreciated back home, the simple things. Friendship, a dish washer and a clothes dryer, the selection we have at our grocery stores and much much more. So many of these things I took for granted, and the first listed more then anything. Sitting here drawing on the computer, and listening to Kylie Minogue and thinking back to the the days of living with Steve Allee and having extremely spiked koolaide , playing Risk all the time and watching Van-Dam movies way more often then I feel comfortable admitting to anyone. Thinking of the night Brian and I went for a drive in his Pathfinder and we ended up almost to Mt Hood...I slept the rest of the way home. Dan and I going to the beach just cause we had nothing better to do then enjoy each others company. Going over to Nathen's house to watch movies and end up getting wasted on dare I say it...3 drinks? And then listening to the movies from the kitchen floor with my face in a bowl. Chad, I think everyone knows how close him and I were for a time, I still remember "our" birthday party we had at Nathen and Portia's. And Jena, just meeting when we arent expecting and sitting down like old friends. I can only say that I am sorry, I know I failed at being a friend in the past couple years. I miss everyone so much. And I know even if I were to come back tomorrow, that which we had, could not be so again. Everyone has changed, grown, has their own life and things to do. I just wish that we could see what was around us when its there and not when its behind us, that I think is what I have been thinking of most of all.
I truly dont know what the reason for me leaving and coming here was. I was what I thought to be in love, I was in love with the idea of seeing more of the world, the romantics of what an adventure truely is. And I think about if these were the right reasons or the wrong ones? Either way I am here, I am happy, and now that I am here I know I do love Drew. But with this move, the most important thing to me is I have had time to think about things, get to know myself better then ever. And thats what I am rambling about, so bare with me.
You know what really sucks, thinking you as a person are one thing, and then not realizing until much later you were completly wrong? I know now that I always thought I was strong and could stand up for myself, do what was right, I believe now is the time to admit I was and am still weak, and I did the wrong thing. I hid, I hid behind a guy I thought I could be with and make a relationship work, and I hid behind my job. I dont have any clue why I was ever with Scott, I dont know. But making things go as long as they did with him was totally wrong, I knew from the start there was never going to be anything between us, so why did I stay? I am a person that honestly does ok with change, I adapt, he was a leech on my side and you all said he was, why didnt I listen? Stubbornness is not a good enough answer for me, and now that I look back I think it may have been because I was scared of learning what I truely was as a person on my own, I was afraid I couldnt do it, be the independent person I dreamed I was, was perhaps just that, a dream.
Now that I have all this time on my hands I am thinking of what I was like when I was back home and how I can change. Trying to make it so I am not dependent on a relationship to hold my sanity together. I am trying to learn that I am one person, a whole person in myself, and any one I know or love is a seperate person that contributes to who I am but does not make what I am. I think I let Scott do that. I stopped thinking for myself, ran everything past him, let my will go and let him take a part of me. This may make no sense at all to some of you and I appologize for my ramblings, but its what has been rattling around in my head these past few months. And thats another thing, Dan tried to drill this into me but I am not saying I am sorry for anything unless I know it was my fault. If it isnt my fault then fuck off and get your sympathy and apology elsewhere. I am 23 years old and plan on spending what time, however much fate gives me, being the person I want to be, and not thinking why cant I be like that? I have taken too much for granted, its past time for that to stop, I will be the person I am deep in my heart. I think I am strong and therefore I am. I believe this now, as matrix as it sounds I think it is true. Perhaps someday I can come back to what I will always call home, then I will be able to meet my friends in the light I should have always seen you in and show you the appreciation I could not before. A good strong friendship is not something you come onto by chance, it takes 8-11 years of shit happening, friends moving away and dealing with the sorrow after, friends getting married, break ups, fighting and mending, these are the things and the reasons that I love you guys and miss you so dearly. I should be getting a job with in the next 2 months, I have the luxury of going to school and getting a degree in something I truely want to do and not just to make a living. With the money I will make I plan on getting phone cards and getting back in touch with my friends and I hope to get stationary so I can snail mail some of you also.
I see the world as an open book, a day where the cleansing rain has come and the sun is now out and you get to decide what to do with the rest of your day, or life in my case. To learn from my mistakes, to learn what the words I am sorry should truely mean when you say them, to show a person you are their friend and to not hide behind something or someone, and also to learn even in a relationship you are your own person, no matter how many years or how many things you share, you have your own needs and wants and dont ignore them, dont forget who you are. Dont loose what I did, cause I have a feeling I lost a lot more then I will ever get back.
I hope some of this made sense, I am not one much for posting here but if it is a way for me to keep in touch, I promise you I will try harder at it. When next you go out with your friends, raise a glass, toast to friendship, to love and to life and be grateful for what you have in that moment, for moments like that are not to be taken for granted or forgotten.
Always
~Deanna
I truly dont know what the reason for me leaving and coming here was. I was what I thought to be in love, I was in love with the idea of seeing more of the world, the romantics of what an adventure truely is. And I think about if these were the right reasons or the wrong ones? Either way I am here, I am happy, and now that I am here I know I do love Drew. But with this move, the most important thing to me is I have had time to think about things, get to know myself better then ever. And thats what I am rambling about, so bare with me.
You know what really sucks, thinking you as a person are one thing, and then not realizing until much later you were completly wrong? I know now that I always thought I was strong and could stand up for myself, do what was right, I believe now is the time to admit I was and am still weak, and I did the wrong thing. I hid, I hid behind a guy I thought I could be with and make a relationship work, and I hid behind my job. I dont have any clue why I was ever with Scott, I dont know. But making things go as long as they did with him was totally wrong, I knew from the start there was never going to be anything between us, so why did I stay? I am a person that honestly does ok with change, I adapt, he was a leech on my side and you all said he was, why didnt I listen? Stubbornness is not a good enough answer for me, and now that I look back I think it may have been because I was scared of learning what I truely was as a person on my own, I was afraid I couldnt do it, be the independent person I dreamed I was, was perhaps just that, a dream.
Now that I have all this time on my hands I am thinking of what I was like when I was back home and how I can change. Trying to make it so I am not dependent on a relationship to hold my sanity together. I am trying to learn that I am one person, a whole person in myself, and any one I know or love is a seperate person that contributes to who I am but does not make what I am. I think I let Scott do that. I stopped thinking for myself, ran everything past him, let my will go and let him take a part of me. This may make no sense at all to some of you and I appologize for my ramblings, but its what has been rattling around in my head these past few months. And thats another thing, Dan tried to drill this into me but I am not saying I am sorry for anything unless I know it was my fault. If it isnt my fault then fuck off and get your sympathy and apology elsewhere. I am 23 years old and plan on spending what time, however much fate gives me, being the person I want to be, and not thinking why cant I be like that? I have taken too much for granted, its past time for that to stop, I will be the person I am deep in my heart. I think I am strong and therefore I am. I believe this now, as matrix as it sounds I think it is true. Perhaps someday I can come back to what I will always call home, then I will be able to meet my friends in the light I should have always seen you in and show you the appreciation I could not before. A good strong friendship is not something you come onto by chance, it takes 8-11 years of shit happening, friends moving away and dealing with the sorrow after, friends getting married, break ups, fighting and mending, these are the things and the reasons that I love you guys and miss you so dearly. I should be getting a job with in the next 2 months, I have the luxury of going to school and getting a degree in something I truely want to do and not just to make a living. With the money I will make I plan on getting phone cards and getting back in touch with my friends and I hope to get stationary so I can snail mail some of you also.
I see the world as an open book, a day where the cleansing rain has come and the sun is now out and you get to decide what to do with the rest of your day, or life in my case. To learn from my mistakes, to learn what the words I am sorry should truely mean when you say them, to show a person you are their friend and to not hide behind something or someone, and also to learn even in a relationship you are your own person, no matter how many years or how many things you share, you have your own needs and wants and dont ignore them, dont forget who you are. Dont loose what I did, cause I have a feeling I lost a lot more then I will ever get back.
I hope some of this made sense, I am not one much for posting here but if it is a way for me to keep in touch, I promise you I will try harder at it. When next you go out with your friends, raise a glass, toast to friendship, to love and to life and be grateful for what you have in that moment, for moments like that are not to be taken for granted or forgotten.
Always
~Deanna