(no subject)
I feel like such a foolish little high school girl.
Honestly, I remember my first real heartbreak, and what it felt like to be so sad over a boy. I remember sitting outside of my best friend's house, in my Jeep, her in the passenger seat, crying my eyes out. My first "love"...and I was so crushed. I just cried and cried, became a helluva poet, wrote in my journals, and was totally angsty and drama filled at 20 years old. I had other little disappointments in previous years, unrequited love and what not, but nothing that made me cry my eyes out like that. Nothing that made me walk around zombied out and stuff.
In retrospect, that was NOTHING compared to the emptiness and depression that I feel now.
I cry ALL. THE. TIME.
Everything just seems so pointless. I know what I should be doing, but why? I can't even go out and have fun with my girlfriends, because I am constantly worried about if he is going to be there, who he might be with...yada yada. I don't sleep well at night, constantly waking up and tossing and turning. I'll wake up sweating from dreaming about something bad happening to him. I sit around my house, not accomplishing anything, just a bump on the couch, watching my cats play with each other. I don't even WANT to hang out with anyone because I have lost every bit of ability to have fun, and that disgusts me.
I am disgusted with how I feel. Absolutely disgusted. I don't want to feel like this, my name is JOY for ChristSake! My brother even called me last night and all they (he and my mother) can do is tell me to "Hang in there," and "What a good decision this is," and I KNOW THAT. I FREAKING KNOW ITS A BETTER DECISION. But that doesn't change the fact that I care about him. It doesnt change the fact that I feel like a huge part of me is just out there wandering the street. It doesn't change the fact that I planned my life with him, and that I am utterly and totally void of all the 'good' stuff anymore. I feel like there isn't any 'good stuff' that I can look forward to.
I just don't know what I am supposed to do to get back on track.
It doesn't make it any better that he just doesn't seem to care about anything I need, or anything at all. Like I am just NOBODY to him. NOBODY. Like I didn't sit by his side for 2 fucking years while he was in prison. Like I didn't waste 2 years of my fucking life being supportive, writing faithfully, even travelling to see him at least every 3 months. Nothing I ever did, or still do, matters to him. That is the most heart wrenching of it all.
I'm about to go into MEGA BITCH mode. Seriously. And it won't be anyone's fault but his own, because HE turned me into this. HE DID. Since it is apparent that he doesn't care about me, then I have no choice but to NOT care about him.
I need a distraction. Big Time.
Honestly, I remember my first real heartbreak, and what it felt like to be so sad over a boy. I remember sitting outside of my best friend's house, in my Jeep, her in the passenger seat, crying my eyes out. My first "love"...and I was so crushed. I just cried and cried, became a helluva poet, wrote in my journals, and was totally angsty and drama filled at 20 years old. I had other little disappointments in previous years, unrequited love and what not, but nothing that made me cry my eyes out like that. Nothing that made me walk around zombied out and stuff.
In retrospect, that was NOTHING compared to the emptiness and depression that I feel now.
I cry ALL. THE. TIME.
Everything just seems so pointless. I know what I should be doing, but why? I can't even go out and have fun with my girlfriends, because I am constantly worried about if he is going to be there, who he might be with...yada yada. I don't sleep well at night, constantly waking up and tossing and turning. I'll wake up sweating from dreaming about something bad happening to him. I sit around my house, not accomplishing anything, just a bump on the couch, watching my cats play with each other. I don't even WANT to hang out with anyone because I have lost every bit of ability to have fun, and that disgusts me.
I am disgusted with how I feel. Absolutely disgusted. I don't want to feel like this, my name is JOY for ChristSake! My brother even called me last night and all they (he and my mother) can do is tell me to "Hang in there," and "What a good decision this is," and I KNOW THAT. I FREAKING KNOW ITS A BETTER DECISION. But that doesn't change the fact that I care about him. It doesnt change the fact that I feel like a huge part of me is just out there wandering the street. It doesn't change the fact that I planned my life with him, and that I am utterly and totally void of all the 'good' stuff anymore. I feel like there isn't any 'good stuff' that I can look forward to.
I just don't know what I am supposed to do to get back on track.
It doesn't make it any better that he just doesn't seem to care about anything I need, or anything at all. Like I am just NOBODY to him. NOBODY. Like I didn't sit by his side for 2 fucking years while he was in prison. Like I didn't waste 2 years of my fucking life being supportive, writing faithfully, even travelling to see him at least every 3 months. Nothing I ever did, or still do, matters to him. That is the most heart wrenching of it all.
I'm about to go into MEGA BITCH mode. Seriously. And it won't be anyone's fault but his own, because HE turned me into this. HE DID. Since it is apparent that he doesn't care about me, then I have no choice but to NOT care about him.
I need a distraction. Big Time.