So THAT'S why I do that...
I recently discovered something interesting about myself. Generally speaking, when I get to the heart of why I react the way I do to things, it's ultimately because I want to help and/or want people to be happy, regardless of their situation, and when I am confronted with situations in which I can't help them, my frustration can sometimes turn to misplaced anger toward them for their actions.
[more thoughts on this]
This is especially the case when the things that occur that hurt them are things that could have been prevented had they only taken some precautions in the first place, and had there only not been people in the world whose sole purpose in life seems to be to take advantage of others.
Which is probably why I get so angry with people who try to shove their lifestyles on others completely disregarding how it may affect those individuals (because for all that I want Person A to be happy, if it requires the happiness of Person B as its recompense it doesn't seem fair unless Person B would equally be happy to do whatever A needs). Since I spend so much time worrying about how others are faring, I get particularly frustrated when I run across people who not only don't worry about these things but actively try to hurt others in large or small ways, overtly or covertly. But at the same time, I would argue for the rights of individual happiness of Person A even if their goal is to limit my own rights to happiness, because I still want them to have the freedom of their own choices. Even if their choice is to take away mine.
It doesn't really make any sense when it becomes involved with issues solely involving me because I generally discount the importance of my own situation in favor of others. But while this leads to a lot of genuine happiness about others being awesome and wanting to spread the word of their amazingness to the world, it also means I have all these systems in place, like:
**I feel like an asshole if I tip less than 30% even if I hated the service and if I love the person I try to go 50-100% if possible
**when I find lost items I get really upset and distracted about trying to get them back to their owner to make sure that person is okay
**when I see roadkill I feel awful for the dead animal and always say a blessing in my mind for its soul
**if someone asks me a question or for help I feel like I have to make sure I gave them every resource I can possibly think of, and if I feel like I ignored someone who needs help or-- even worse-- I was an ass to them, I feel such guilt and self-castigation that I want to apologize to them and give them something to make them happy again
**stories about abused animals or people almost always make me tear up if not outright cry, and when it's a story about someone who was saved or found redemption, it hits me even more so.
But also because of this, I feel triply responsible for anyone in my charge, like my dog. I know she's upset when I'm at work, I know her barking upsets my neighbors, and that grates on me day after day knowing I as a person, as my existence, am not good enough or worthwhile enough on my own to counteract her anxiety.
And all of this is probably why I also am constantly down on myself, because I've naturally grown to feel A) responsible for things I can't actually affect, B) if I put myself down it automatically raises everyone else's worth which must surely make them happier by proxy, C) I'm not good enough to be able to help anyone anyway even when I want, D) like it's the height of assholeish hubris to believe I have anything to do with anyone anyway or that my existence would ever matter that much to anyone, and E) happy when I can do something positive but then not long afterward I feel like I need to do something else to continue going in the right direction or I'm failing others.
The thing is, though, I can't control the happiness of others. At best, I can contribute to it peripherally. This isn't to say I have no concept of my own happiness or an inability to try to reach it, because I am an introverted and independent person also set in my ways, but it does mean that most of the time the strong emotions that grip me, sometimes out of nowhere, almost always lead back to that same string of truth no matter the circuitous route it takes to get there:
I want people to be happy, and I don't want them to be hurt, and I wish I could save them from pain. I wish I could fix everything for them so they didn't have to worry, at least for now, and even better, ever again.
At any rate, it was an interesting epiphany to have, because I had been struggling with the way I sometimes get so frustrated and angry with people and I couldn't figure out why I randomly have such strong reactions to things. It was making me feel like I was an insensitive asshole at heart. But then when I traced the thoughts back one by one, I realized to my surprise that the problem, if anything, is that I'm too sensitive and not insensitive enough.
[more thoughts on this]
This is especially the case when the things that occur that hurt them are things that could have been prevented had they only taken some precautions in the first place, and had there only not been people in the world whose sole purpose in life seems to be to take advantage of others.
Which is probably why I get so angry with people who try to shove their lifestyles on others completely disregarding how it may affect those individuals (because for all that I want Person A to be happy, if it requires the happiness of Person B as its recompense it doesn't seem fair unless Person B would equally be happy to do whatever A needs). Since I spend so much time worrying about how others are faring, I get particularly frustrated when I run across people who not only don't worry about these things but actively try to hurt others in large or small ways, overtly or covertly. But at the same time, I would argue for the rights of individual happiness of Person A even if their goal is to limit my own rights to happiness, because I still want them to have the freedom of their own choices. Even if their choice is to take away mine.
It doesn't really make any sense when it becomes involved with issues solely involving me because I generally discount the importance of my own situation in favor of others. But while this leads to a lot of genuine happiness about others being awesome and wanting to spread the word of their amazingness to the world, it also means I have all these systems in place, like:
**I feel like an asshole if I tip less than 30% even if I hated the service and if I love the person I try to go 50-100% if possible
**when I find lost items I get really upset and distracted about trying to get them back to their owner to make sure that person is okay
**when I see roadkill I feel awful for the dead animal and always say a blessing in my mind for its soul
**if someone asks me a question or for help I feel like I have to make sure I gave them every resource I can possibly think of, and if I feel like I ignored someone who needs help or-- even worse-- I was an ass to them, I feel such guilt and self-castigation that I want to apologize to them and give them something to make them happy again
**stories about abused animals or people almost always make me tear up if not outright cry, and when it's a story about someone who was saved or found redemption, it hits me even more so.
But also because of this, I feel triply responsible for anyone in my charge, like my dog. I know she's upset when I'm at work, I know her barking upsets my neighbors, and that grates on me day after day knowing I as a person, as my existence, am not good enough or worthwhile enough on my own to counteract her anxiety.
And all of this is probably why I also am constantly down on myself, because I've naturally grown to feel A) responsible for things I can't actually affect, B) if I put myself down it automatically raises everyone else's worth which must surely make them happier by proxy, C) I'm not good enough to be able to help anyone anyway even when I want, D) like it's the height of assholeish hubris to believe I have anything to do with anyone anyway or that my existence would ever matter that much to anyone, and E) happy when I can do something positive but then not long afterward I feel like I need to do something else to continue going in the right direction or I'm failing others.
The thing is, though, I can't control the happiness of others. At best, I can contribute to it peripherally. This isn't to say I have no concept of my own happiness or an inability to try to reach it, because I am an introverted and independent person also set in my ways, but it does mean that most of the time the strong emotions that grip me, sometimes out of nowhere, almost always lead back to that same string of truth no matter the circuitous route it takes to get there:
I want people to be happy, and I don't want them to be hurt, and I wish I could save them from pain. I wish I could fix everything for them so they didn't have to worry, at least for now, and even better, ever again.
At any rate, it was an interesting epiphany to have, because I had been struggling with the way I sometimes get so frustrated and angry with people and I couldn't figure out why I randomly have such strong reactions to things. It was making me feel like I was an insensitive asshole at heart. But then when I traced the thoughts back one by one, I realized to my surprise that the problem, if anything, is that I'm too sensitive and not insensitive enough.