I'm sooo stuffed!
I just got back from the Olive Garden with my grandparents. Today is their 49th wedding anniversary. That's a really long time to be married to one person. I hope Shaun and I will have a long marriage that will last until death, how marriage should be. Dinner at Olive Garden was so delicious and I'm so incredibly full. I've never gone there before and I like trying new places, and I would def go back there. They're so much friendlier and the food is actually better than at Carrabas. And it's surprisingly cheaper. Maybe Shaun and I can go there when he comes over next. That'd be so much fun.
Shopping yesterday was an awful wake up call for me. I was nearly in tears I was so upset. It wasn't the fact that Christmas tends to depress me, or that there were a lot of people. It was the fact that I couldn't find any clothes that I could fit into. It was so hard to see a shirt that I absolutely loved and would look really cute on me, and to not be able to wear it because I'm too fat. After wandering around the mall searching desperately for clothes and not finding any, I waited until my grandmother was done at her hair appointment and she helped me find clothes. When she asked me if I had found anything I nearly broke down and cried and I said "No because I can't fit into anything because I'm a FATASS!". I just felt so depressed at that point. So she took the time and helped me find some clothes that fit me. We ended up getting 3 really pretty shirts. A black lacey shirt, a baby pink lace tank top (to wear under my sweaters to reveal the lace instead of my cleavage), and a really pretty purple button down shirt, that has multicolor pink and purple stripes around the collar and on the cuffs. And she bought me 2 sets of earrings, one was 3 hoops as one earring, and the other were cascading green beads. And she bought me a matching green beaded necklace. Everything I've been wearing consists of bright retro colors, and classy designs. I feel more like a woman now wearing these more sophisticated outfits. I let my gauges close too as well so I can wear "real" earrings. I feel pretty lately, except for the weight issue.
I went to my psychiatrist today. She's sick with some cold and was hacking her brains out. I asked her if I could be put on a different med in place of my antidepressants because I still feel depressed even after attempting to make myself a better person. And she said it's ME that's not doing anything, not the meds. It really pissed me off. She has no idea how hard I've been trying lately. Even my counselor suggested going on a different med, saying I've made great strides in therapy and that there's something wrong if I'm doing all this work and I still feel depressed. I hate my psych. SDhe claims she listens to me, but I know she doesn't. She interrupted me today while I was trying to explain that I've been working hard to improve myself. And she says I'm not helping myself because I don't go to group therapy. I don't want to share my problems with a group of strangers. I don't want to hear everyone else's problems either. It'll make me feel more depressed. She just doesn't seem to get that through her thick skull.
My dad is coming over for Christmas in a few days. I'm wondering how that will go. I'll probably have to go to my editing workshops while he's here. But I NEED to go to them, otherwise the crew will take over and I will be knocked out of this production like I was the last one. They'd better inform me when the editing dates are. If they don't I will go psycho on them. I refuse to let them kick me out of my own position a second time. I'm all fumed up just thinking about them doing that to me again.
Well I'm off to clean my room now. My room is a complete mess. Maybe having a clean room will cheer me up. Oh by the way, I'm planning to post some more art work soon. Any requests?
Shopping yesterday was an awful wake up call for me. I was nearly in tears I was so upset. It wasn't the fact that Christmas tends to depress me, or that there were a lot of people. It was the fact that I couldn't find any clothes that I could fit into. It was so hard to see a shirt that I absolutely loved and would look really cute on me, and to not be able to wear it because I'm too fat. After wandering around the mall searching desperately for clothes and not finding any, I waited until my grandmother was done at her hair appointment and she helped me find clothes. When she asked me if I had found anything I nearly broke down and cried and I said "No because I can't fit into anything because I'm a FATASS!". I just felt so depressed at that point. So she took the time and helped me find some clothes that fit me. We ended up getting 3 really pretty shirts. A black lacey shirt, a baby pink lace tank top (to wear under my sweaters to reveal the lace instead of my cleavage), and a really pretty purple button down shirt, that has multicolor pink and purple stripes around the collar and on the cuffs. And she bought me 2 sets of earrings, one was 3 hoops as one earring, and the other were cascading green beads. And she bought me a matching green beaded necklace. Everything I've been wearing consists of bright retro colors, and classy designs. I feel more like a woman now wearing these more sophisticated outfits. I let my gauges close too as well so I can wear "real" earrings. I feel pretty lately, except for the weight issue.
I went to my psychiatrist today. She's sick with some cold and was hacking her brains out. I asked her if I could be put on a different med in place of my antidepressants because I still feel depressed even after attempting to make myself a better person. And she said it's ME that's not doing anything, not the meds. It really pissed me off. She has no idea how hard I've been trying lately. Even my counselor suggested going on a different med, saying I've made great strides in therapy and that there's something wrong if I'm doing all this work and I still feel depressed. I hate my psych. SDhe claims she listens to me, but I know she doesn't. She interrupted me today while I was trying to explain that I've been working hard to improve myself. And she says I'm not helping myself because I don't go to group therapy. I don't want to share my problems with a group of strangers. I don't want to hear everyone else's problems either. It'll make me feel more depressed. She just doesn't seem to get that through her thick skull.
My dad is coming over for Christmas in a few days. I'm wondering how that will go. I'll probably have to go to my editing workshops while he's here. But I NEED to go to them, otherwise the crew will take over and I will be knocked out of this production like I was the last one. They'd better inform me when the editing dates are. If they don't I will go psycho on them. I refuse to let them kick me out of my own position a second time. I'm all fumed up just thinking about them doing that to me again.
Well I'm off to clean my room now. My room is a complete mess. Maybe having a clean room will cheer me up. Oh by the way, I'm planning to post some more art work soon. Any requests?