Cell Phone Guy
You know him, right? Every mall has one. There's, like, twenty places in the mall to buy a cell phone. And at least five of them are kiosks. Most of the kiosks are run by decent, upstanding sales people. And since cell phones are so popular these days, they're always rather busy. They have no need to bug random people and try to force them to buy a phone.. except for.. "Cell Phone Guy."
Cell Phone Guy is the one guy at the one unpopular and out of the way kiosk who annoys every person when they walk by, trying to convince them how much they need a cell phone.. even if they already have one. And he thinks he's so suave that he acts like Joe Cool, uses "hip" words, and acts like he's your best friend.
Cell Phone Guy also has the memory capacity of a fucking goldfish, so he's going to bother you every time you're in the goddamn mall and walk by him.
Conversations with Cell Phone Guy (if they ever become a conversation), usually go something like this:
CPG: Hey.. psst.. Hey! Hey, buddy! *points at you like Fonzie*
You: Huh? What?
CPG: You got a cell phone, buddy?
You: Um.. yeah, I do. It's right he..
CPG: What service you got man?
You: Well.. the same company you work f..
CPG: Oh! Well, dude, what plan you got?
You: I've got the..
CGP: Well, buddy, let me tell you.. we got plans. We got plans up the wazoo! We've got enough plans to choke a gorilla! In fact, we've got plans better than your plans! Come see our plans! PLEASE!! ... I LOVE YOU!!! I'LL GIVE YOU HEAD IF YOU BUY ANOTHER PHONE FROM ME!!!
Well, okay.. some of the last part was a bit exaggerated. But, Cell Phone Guy is a plague among mallrats and decent shoppers alike. If you see or are contacted by Cell Phone Guy, do not talk to him. Do not make eye contact (it only make him more aroused). Do not slow down your walking speed. In fact, walk faster. Extra points for flipping him the bird while you do (but do not make eyes contact while doing so, as he will use Jedi Mind Tricks at that point).
This has been your mall safety lesson for the day.
Cell Phone Guy is the one guy at the one unpopular and out of the way kiosk who annoys every person when they walk by, trying to convince them how much they need a cell phone.. even if they already have one. And he thinks he's so suave that he acts like Joe Cool, uses "hip" words, and acts like he's your best friend.
Cell Phone Guy also has the memory capacity of a fucking goldfish, so he's going to bother you every time you're in the goddamn mall and walk by him.
Conversations with Cell Phone Guy (if they ever become a conversation), usually go something like this:
CPG: Hey.. psst.. Hey! Hey, buddy! *points at you like Fonzie*
You: Huh? What?
CPG: You got a cell phone, buddy?
You: Um.. yeah, I do. It's right he..
CPG: What service you got man?
You: Well.. the same company you work f..
CPG: Oh! Well, dude, what plan you got?
You: I've got the..
CGP: Well, buddy, let me tell you.. we got plans. We got plans up the wazoo! We've got enough plans to choke a gorilla! In fact, we've got plans better than your plans! Come see our plans! PLEASE!! ... I LOVE YOU!!! I'LL GIVE YOU HEAD IF YOU BUY ANOTHER PHONE FROM ME!!!
Well, okay.. some of the last part was a bit exaggerated. But, Cell Phone Guy is a plague among mallrats and decent shoppers alike. If you see or are contacted by Cell Phone Guy, do not talk to him. Do not make eye contact (it only make him more aroused). Do not slow down your walking speed. In fact, walk faster. Extra points for flipping him the bird while you do (but do not make eyes contact while doing so, as he will use Jedi Mind Tricks at that point).
This has been your mall safety lesson for the day.