Welcome to Her World
With an album of songs that just won't quit and shows selling out around the country, Falling Starlight bassist Elena Munez has nothing to be sad about. And yet, she talks about what it means to deal with depression and suicide and how important it is to show fans of the band that they aren't alone.
The laws of social evolution state that Elena Grace Munez would be successful. She is the daughter of award winning actress Gina Case and Hathor Rising guitarist Carlos Munez. Growing up on tour buses, behind the scenes of sound stages, and attending the Hollywood Hills Academy for the Performing Arts should all come together to create a natural path for the young guitarist and bass player. Sadly, though, the plans were derailed by something so seemingly mundane and everyday that even she didn't realize it was happening.
"I have chronic, clinical depression," the twenty-one-year-old says behind a cup of coffee. Her brown hair is streaked with blond and she has cloth sleeves that cover her wrists and go halfway up her forearms. When asked about the cause, she shrugs and smiles a bit. "People want there to be a cause for depression, you know. They want there to be some trigger, some trauma that sets it off. That way they can go around padding the world, making it safer, making sure their kids don't ever have this problem. But see, one day I skipped soccer practice and went home. I told my mom I didn't feel well. When I woke up, I didn't get out of bed. I woke up and my brain was a fog and a mess and I was so humiliated because all of my dreams disappeared. Overnight. How do you say that to parents like mine, you know? They live in a world of dreams and all I wanted to do was fade into nothingness."
Elena's depression is a result of brain chemistry misfiring at just the wrong time during her teenage development. While it's been managed with medication and therapy since she was sixteen, at seventeen she still tried to commit suicide. "I didn't ... it's strange because I didn't want to actually die, you know. I didn't think about it as death even though I had a plan. I knew my parent's work schedules and knew how long I'd be alone. I got some pills together - just enough to knock me out. And I had a razor. I grabbed a bottle of vodka and ran a really hot bath and went into the tub. I honestly believed that when I woke up, the screwed up parts of my brain would be fixed. I honestly believed I was just starting over. The hardest part for me was admitting that in doing so, I was actually trying to kill myself. I still don't like to think there was any kind of trigger, but honestly it was graduating from high school and realizing I had no idea what I wanted to do or how to do it because all of my dreams were just lost in the fog of my head. That's a hard thing for a seventeen year old to admit." She pauses and looks down at the sleeves on her arms. "And it's harder for me to admit that I think about doing it again. But I do."
Luckily for Elena, her mother came home from work early. The dogs were pawing at the bathroom door and Gina was able to call for help and get Elena to a hospital. While there was a small media flurry about the situation, there wasn't much attention paid past the initial tabloid reports. The quiet allowed for Elena to get the help she needed. "I was in the psych unit for three weeks and then daily therapy for another couple of months. Finally they sorted out my meds and I settled on a once a week therapy schedule." A schedule she is, for the record, still participating in. When on the road, she calls her therapist for her hourly weekly session.
A year after her first attempt, Elena befriended reality TV boy and actor Marshall Malone. Over the course of the next few months, the friendship developed into a romantic relationship that recently ended on mutual terms. "It was really strange," Elena says between sips of coffee, "because I'd had only one kiss before I met Marshall. I had absolutely no sexual experience. I was a weird, awkward, depressed kid and it was so weird because my friends came to me for advice on their relationships and they always made it really clear they didn't want to get involved with me. Marshall was different. He liked that when we were together, we were able to get away from the cameras a little bit. They freak me out, honestly. But he's a wonderful guy with this heart of gold and more talent than he gets any credit for because of his family." She sips her cup of coffee. "We're still friends. He knows first hand what it is like to deal with mental illness and I wanted to be this breath of air for him but instead he had to deal with my moods and I know it wasn't easy." She frowns. "I feel bad though," she says after a moment. It's clear that is all she is willing to say about the breakup.
When Elena was 18 and on reasonably solid ground following her first attempt, she turned to the profession she seemed to have been born for. Paired up with long time best friend, drummer Micah Sholes, they recruited Hathor Rising guitar tech Josh "JJ" Jenkins to round out the project that eventually became Falling Starlight. Lyrics for the band's songs often come directly from Elena's journals. "It's been so fucking scary to take those pages and make them public. To take the songs and poems I wrote when I was at the end of my rope and make them into something else. But the result has been so freeing. And not just for me." She takes a pause and her eyes fill with tears for a moment. "The kids who connect to our stuff are going through what we're going through. They're kids who have tried to kill themselves, have had friends kill themselves, are dealing with depression and anxiety. We get a lot of flack from the mainstream machine because our fans have the reputation of being "those kids" you know. The sad, depressed, cutter kids. The loners who listen to a song and are like "wait, that's my life." But I'm so proud of those kids because they get up, they hold their heads up, and they are going to be okay someday. They're okay now. But they'll be better and the mainstream bullies can kiss my ass because these kids are fucking heroes. And if one lyric, one bass line, if that helps them to not do what I did, then not only have I done my job but it helps me too. At least most days."
But Elena is painful, living proof that depression and suicide don't just go away. Last year, shortly before completion of the band's first full-length album, she again attempted suicide. "I was a mess," she says quietly. "I was overwhelmed and there was all this little stuff that kept piling and piling and piling and then my dog, Baxter, got away from me at a show and was hit by a car and killed in the parking lot. I couldn't do it. I got home to my apartment and just opened my wrists. Right before I blacked out, I called Micah. I was bleeding everywhere and begged him to help me. I didn't know ... I didn't know what to do." The paramedics showed up and Elena was admitted to the hospital. This time for a shorter stay, but one where she had to really evaluate if she was strong enough to handle the music world. "I realized something when I was in the hospital," she says. "I realized that I'd been looking for music to take the fog away. Something clicked in me that I could find a way to work within the pain, within the fog. And so I'm here and I'm fighting and some days are better than others. But I want to make music and I can't do that if I'm dead." She smiles a bit. "I made a little poster that says that and it's taped to my bathroom mirror. Just as a reminder."
The band's first album, a self-produced EP titled Sun Spot took a little bit of time to catch on. Eventually, social media sites started to share the songs and sales picked up. Falling Starlight found themselves doing a lot of small, local festivals at two in the afternoon before anyone showed up to see the big names. But during those times, a fan showed up at a show holding a Free Hugs sign. Shortly after, a video appeared on YouTube of that fan, Jacob Darling, walking through public spaces like malls and concerts, offering free hugs. He made videos of his adventures, set to music from Sun Spot. The campaign caught international attention and the band is completely behind his effort.
(Ed. Note: to date, ten bands have lent their music to the Free Hugs campaign and videos of events from Hong Kong to Juno have appeared on the internet. Falling Starlight sells Free Hugs shirts on their website, with all money going back into mental health support.)
"Sometimes," Elena said in a video supporting the campaign, "all you need is a hug to help you know that you're okay." Taking advantage of the burst of publicity, the band embarked on their first full length album, Nebula, which was a crowdfunded effort. "Don't get me wrong," Elena says, "my family gave us a lot of support and so did the label." Falling Starlight is signed with semi-indie label Skidd Records, which has a different operating and funding model than many of the larger labels. "But we liked getting our hands dirty and getting involved with the funding of the record. Crowdfunding was such a great experience for us because what it did was allow us to give back to our fans. This wasn't some moment where we exploded out of the label's belly, you know. Crowdfunding gives you the chance to reward people for donating. We were offering gifts like journals and EPs and stickers and getting to connect to the people who are our age, who had our issues, who are listening to my lyrics ... but we were amazed at how many people wanted the cost of their gift to go to a mental health organization. They wanted to know they'd helped someone else. I think we're creating not just a following but a music community and that is so empowering." In the end, the crowdfunding campaign donated over $10,000 to the National Alliance for Mental Health and other organizations. Everything the band gives out in crowdfunding rewards or as merch is designed by them and includes crisis line numbers such as RAINN and The National Suicide Prevention Hotline. "It isn't a joke to us," Elena says. "Depression is a disease. So often people tell you to suck it up and do it, and I'm not going to lie. That does come into play. Sometimes, you actually have to just force yourself to do it. But just because I can put my clothes on in the morning and walk the dog doesn't mean I can function beyond that. I have days where I'm fine and days where it is literally painful to get out of bed." She pauses. "Today, for the record."
It's hard to believe that it was painful for her to emerge from bed this morning, but there is nothing in her face to make me question the statement. "Touring is terrifying," she says. Falling Starlight often tours with Hathor Rising, which not only gives them access to the band's audiences but allows for Elena to have family support on the road. "It's a learning curve for me," she says. "And I love getting to hang with my dad and my Aunt Jade is amazing. She's always been there for me, but especially since this all happened. But I can't tour with Hathor Rising forever. I wish .." she pauses. "I wish I could make people understand how painful it is to think like that. Most of the kids my age can't wait to get away from their folks but all I want is my bedroom and my mom to tell me it's going to be okay and then I hate it when they worry. It isn't fair to anyone in my life." Another pause. "See how the cycle builds?" And then she laughs. "And I promise you that people are going to read this and call me a whiny little baby. That's okay. I wonder what they whine about." But her eyes and voice don't convey the strength of the words and it's clear that it does bother her. "I'm a spoiled little rich girl, right?" She says with a shrug. "What have I got to be depressed about? God, I wish that was how it really worked. Tell that to the chemicals in my brain. But while you're doing that, I'm going over there to write."
Falling Starlight is currently on tour with Hathor Rising and Eyes Set to Kill.
The laws of social evolution state that Elena Grace Munez would be successful. She is the daughter of award winning actress Gina Case and Hathor Rising guitarist Carlos Munez. Growing up on tour buses, behind the scenes of sound stages, and attending the Hollywood Hills Academy for the Performing Arts should all come together to create a natural path for the young guitarist and bass player. Sadly, though, the plans were derailed by something so seemingly mundane and everyday that even she didn't realize it was happening.
"I have chronic, clinical depression," the twenty-one-year-old says behind a cup of coffee. Her brown hair is streaked with blond and she has cloth sleeves that cover her wrists and go halfway up her forearms. When asked about the cause, she shrugs and smiles a bit. "People want there to be a cause for depression, you know. They want there to be some trigger, some trauma that sets it off. That way they can go around padding the world, making it safer, making sure their kids don't ever have this problem. But see, one day I skipped soccer practice and went home. I told my mom I didn't feel well. When I woke up, I didn't get out of bed. I woke up and my brain was a fog and a mess and I was so humiliated because all of my dreams disappeared. Overnight. How do you say that to parents like mine, you know? They live in a world of dreams and all I wanted to do was fade into nothingness."
Elena's depression is a result of brain chemistry misfiring at just the wrong time during her teenage development. While it's been managed with medication and therapy since she was sixteen, at seventeen she still tried to commit suicide. "I didn't ... it's strange because I didn't want to actually die, you know. I didn't think about it as death even though I had a plan. I knew my parent's work schedules and knew how long I'd be alone. I got some pills together - just enough to knock me out. And I had a razor. I grabbed a bottle of vodka and ran a really hot bath and went into the tub. I honestly believed that when I woke up, the screwed up parts of my brain would be fixed. I honestly believed I was just starting over. The hardest part for me was admitting that in doing so, I was actually trying to kill myself. I still don't like to think there was any kind of trigger, but honestly it was graduating from high school and realizing I had no idea what I wanted to do or how to do it because all of my dreams were just lost in the fog of my head. That's a hard thing for a seventeen year old to admit." She pauses and looks down at the sleeves on her arms. "And it's harder for me to admit that I think about doing it again. But I do."
Luckily for Elena, her mother came home from work early. The dogs were pawing at the bathroom door and Gina was able to call for help and get Elena to a hospital. While there was a small media flurry about the situation, there wasn't much attention paid past the initial tabloid reports. The quiet allowed for Elena to get the help she needed. "I was in the psych unit for three weeks and then daily therapy for another couple of months. Finally they sorted out my meds and I settled on a once a week therapy schedule." A schedule she is, for the record, still participating in. When on the road, she calls her therapist for her hourly weekly session.
A year after her first attempt, Elena befriended reality TV boy and actor Marshall Malone. Over the course of the next few months, the friendship developed into a romantic relationship that recently ended on mutual terms. "It was really strange," Elena says between sips of coffee, "because I'd had only one kiss before I met Marshall. I had absolutely no sexual experience. I was a weird, awkward, depressed kid and it was so weird because my friends came to me for advice on their relationships and they always made it really clear they didn't want to get involved with me. Marshall was different. He liked that when we were together, we were able to get away from the cameras a little bit. They freak me out, honestly. But he's a wonderful guy with this heart of gold and more talent than he gets any credit for because of his family." She sips her cup of coffee. "We're still friends. He knows first hand what it is like to deal with mental illness and I wanted to be this breath of air for him but instead he had to deal with my moods and I know it wasn't easy." She frowns. "I feel bad though," she says after a moment. It's clear that is all she is willing to say about the breakup.
When Elena was 18 and on reasonably solid ground following her first attempt, she turned to the profession she seemed to have been born for. Paired up with long time best friend, drummer Micah Sholes, they recruited Hathor Rising guitar tech Josh "JJ" Jenkins to round out the project that eventually became Falling Starlight. Lyrics for the band's songs often come directly from Elena's journals. "It's been so fucking scary to take those pages and make them public. To take the songs and poems I wrote when I was at the end of my rope and make them into something else. But the result has been so freeing. And not just for me." She takes a pause and her eyes fill with tears for a moment. "The kids who connect to our stuff are going through what we're going through. They're kids who have tried to kill themselves, have had friends kill themselves, are dealing with depression and anxiety. We get a lot of flack from the mainstream machine because our fans have the reputation of being "those kids" you know. The sad, depressed, cutter kids. The loners who listen to a song and are like "wait, that's my life." But I'm so proud of those kids because they get up, they hold their heads up, and they are going to be okay someday. They're okay now. But they'll be better and the mainstream bullies can kiss my ass because these kids are fucking heroes. And if one lyric, one bass line, if that helps them to not do what I did, then not only have I done my job but it helps me too. At least most days."
But Elena is painful, living proof that depression and suicide don't just go away. Last year, shortly before completion of the band's first full-length album, she again attempted suicide. "I was a mess," she says quietly. "I was overwhelmed and there was all this little stuff that kept piling and piling and piling and then my dog, Baxter, got away from me at a show and was hit by a car and killed in the parking lot. I couldn't do it. I got home to my apartment and just opened my wrists. Right before I blacked out, I called Micah. I was bleeding everywhere and begged him to help me. I didn't know ... I didn't know what to do." The paramedics showed up and Elena was admitted to the hospital. This time for a shorter stay, but one where she had to really evaluate if she was strong enough to handle the music world. "I realized something when I was in the hospital," she says. "I realized that I'd been looking for music to take the fog away. Something clicked in me that I could find a way to work within the pain, within the fog. And so I'm here and I'm fighting and some days are better than others. But I want to make music and I can't do that if I'm dead." She smiles a bit. "I made a little poster that says that and it's taped to my bathroom mirror. Just as a reminder."
The band's first album, a self-produced EP titled Sun Spot took a little bit of time to catch on. Eventually, social media sites started to share the songs and sales picked up. Falling Starlight found themselves doing a lot of small, local festivals at two in the afternoon before anyone showed up to see the big names. But during those times, a fan showed up at a show holding a Free Hugs sign. Shortly after, a video appeared on YouTube of that fan, Jacob Darling, walking through public spaces like malls and concerts, offering free hugs. He made videos of his adventures, set to music from Sun Spot. The campaign caught international attention and the band is completely behind his effort.
(Ed. Note: to date, ten bands have lent their music to the Free Hugs campaign and videos of events from Hong Kong to Juno have appeared on the internet. Falling Starlight sells Free Hugs shirts on their website, with all money going back into mental health support.)
"Sometimes," Elena said in a video supporting the campaign, "all you need is a hug to help you know that you're okay." Taking advantage of the burst of publicity, the band embarked on their first full length album, Nebula, which was a crowdfunded effort. "Don't get me wrong," Elena says, "my family gave us a lot of support and so did the label." Falling Starlight is signed with semi-indie label Skidd Records, which has a different operating and funding model than many of the larger labels. "But we liked getting our hands dirty and getting involved with the funding of the record. Crowdfunding was such a great experience for us because what it did was allow us to give back to our fans. This wasn't some moment where we exploded out of the label's belly, you know. Crowdfunding gives you the chance to reward people for donating. We were offering gifts like journals and EPs and stickers and getting to connect to the people who are our age, who had our issues, who are listening to my lyrics ... but we were amazed at how many people wanted the cost of their gift to go to a mental health organization. They wanted to know they'd helped someone else. I think we're creating not just a following but a music community and that is so empowering." In the end, the crowdfunding campaign donated over $10,000 to the National Alliance for Mental Health and other organizations. Everything the band gives out in crowdfunding rewards or as merch is designed by them and includes crisis line numbers such as RAINN and The National Suicide Prevention Hotline. "It isn't a joke to us," Elena says. "Depression is a disease. So often people tell you to suck it up and do it, and I'm not going to lie. That does come into play. Sometimes, you actually have to just force yourself to do it. But just because I can put my clothes on in the morning and walk the dog doesn't mean I can function beyond that. I have days where I'm fine and days where it is literally painful to get out of bed." She pauses. "Today, for the record."
It's hard to believe that it was painful for her to emerge from bed this morning, but there is nothing in her face to make me question the statement. "Touring is terrifying," she says. Falling Starlight often tours with Hathor Rising, which not only gives them access to the band's audiences but allows for Elena to have family support on the road. "It's a learning curve for me," she says. "And I love getting to hang with my dad and my Aunt Jade is amazing. She's always been there for me, but especially since this all happened. But I can't tour with Hathor Rising forever. I wish .." she pauses. "I wish I could make people understand how painful it is to think like that. Most of the kids my age can't wait to get away from their folks but all I want is my bedroom and my mom to tell me it's going to be okay and then I hate it when they worry. It isn't fair to anyone in my life." Another pause. "See how the cycle builds?" And then she laughs. "And I promise you that people are going to read this and call me a whiny little baby. That's okay. I wonder what they whine about." But her eyes and voice don't convey the strength of the words and it's clear that it does bother her. "I'm a spoiled little rich girl, right?" She says with a shrug. "What have I got to be depressed about? God, I wish that was how it really worked. Tell that to the chemicals in my brain. But while you're doing that, I'm going over there to write."
Falling Starlight is currently on tour with Hathor Rising and Eyes Set to Kill.