RP for jaggedjared

[starlightfell]

Rebooting the "Elena and Jared talk after they get back from their separate tours in December" idea. It's not all that different, but needed a reset.

Comments

[jaggedjared]

"I know you're scared. E. I know you're scared about messing things up or changing everything between us. Fuck, I'm scared too, honestly. But don't we owe it ourselves to at least fucking try? And if it fucks everything up, then at least we know we gave it a shot and didn't spend our lives wondering what could have happened if we had just gone for it. But I need you to stop running from it. From me. I need you to be present and stay still and give us a chance. Give yourself a chance, even if there's a chance it won't work. Because even if it doesn't work, it's still better than playing this fucking game."

[starlightfell]

She wanted to take her hand back, but she didn't at the same time. Instead she sucked in a breath and looked into his eyes and traced her free hand along the lines of his face. "Jared, I don't want to hurt you and I'm being real here. Because sweet god, I've loved you for as long as I can remember and I've felt like such a fucking hypocrite because I didn't want to say anything. And you say you want me to be present with you but all I can think is that one day ..." she shook her head. "I don't want to hurt you. I love you. I love you so fucking much. And I don't want you to walk in one day and find that I couldn't do it anymore."

[jaggedjared]

He wasn't going to lie. The thought had crossed his mind, and it had hurt him when it did the first time. But hearing her say it now, knowing that it was a real reason she was holding back and not taking that step forward that for him, seemed so clear and easy and logical right now, hurt him on so many other levels.

He leaned forward and took her in his arms without saying anything, drawing her head against his chest as he linked his arms around her shoulders. For a minute, he didn't say anything at all. He just held her tight, breathing in the scent of her shampoo, feeling her breath hit his chest.

"The only way you'd hurt me is if you don't let yourself give this a chance, E. I'm not worried about any of the rest, because it doesn't matter right now. I just know that I fucking love you and I can't spend another day of my life pretending that that's not the case."

[starlightfell]

"That's a lie," she whispered. "It's a lie because you've thought about it too. It's a lie because you're scared about it too. So there's a million ways I can hurt you and I don't want to take the light out of your eyes but I'm fucking selfish and I want to be with you." She wanted to hold onto something but all there was was skin, so she just pressed her face into his chest. "And I know I'm overthinking it and I know I'm not being fair because you're being logical. But I don't fucking deserve you, Jared. I don't."

[jaggedjared]

"Stop it," Jared shook his head, burying his face against the crook of her neck. He squeezed her tighter. "Fucking stop it right now, Elena. Yes you do. You do. You fucking deserve to be happy, more than anyone else I know. You deserve all the happiness in the fucking world. And I'm not going to lie. You're right. I have thought about it. And it does scare me. But it doesn't fucking matter. Because the fear doesn't even come close to how fucking amazing my life is now because you're in it. And you're forgetting one important part of this."

He pulled away briefly so he could grab onto her shoulders and make sure she was looking into his eyes. "There's two of us. I'm here, too, E. And I'm not going to let you fall off that cliff. I'll never let you fall off that cliff, even if you try and jump off of it yourself."

[starlightfell]

She wiped her eyes and shook her head. "Please don't. Please. See, that's what scares me. That right there. That idea that I'll need to be saved and I ... when you can't save me, you're going to resent me." She sniffed. "I need you to understand something, Jared. I really need you to hear this ..." she took a breath.

"I'm not here to be saved. That's not what I need. I just need you to love me. I need you to still be your own crazy person. I need you to just fucking be you because that's who I fell in love with and I can't ... I can't be the reason someone is alive and I'm not here to be saved. I'm already broken. And I want to give this weirdness a try. God, I really do. But I can't have all of everything changing because we ..." She wiped her eyes again and was really glad she wasn't wearing makeup. Finally, she put her rambling thoughts into words. "I don't need a savior. I need a partner. I need my best friend."

[jaggedjared]

His first reaction was to tell her that of course he was going to be there to save her, even if she thought she didn't need it or want it. But he knew that wasn't what she needed to hear. He knew that that wasn't going to get through to her. So he nodded his head and gently wiped away the rest of her tears with the tip of his finger and he softly stroked her cheek. "Then that's what you'll get. I know... I know you're not here to be saved, E. I've known that about you since the first moment I met you. But you also need to know that I could never resent you. Never. Especially not when it comes down to being saved. Remember what I said? I'm not Marshall. And I would never, ever blame you for anything that happened. Even... even if it was because of your own darkness

[starlightfell]

She looked up at him and the words that came out of her mouth surprised even her. She only tilted her head and asked, "How the hell did I save you?" Because the idea scared the hell out of her. She was barely strong enough to put her shoes on in the morning. How did she save anyone?

[jaggedjared]

Jared only smiled. "Do you really have to ask, little elf? You saved me by just being you. And before you tell me to fuck off because of how sappy that sounds... I fucking mean it, E. You think I've ever gone this fucking long without having a major freak out before? Of course not. Something changed when I met you, E. I don't know how to describe it. I still struggle; the darkness is still there, and every now and then, it threatens to pull me under again. But it's never engulfed me again completely and it's because of you. You gave me something to live for again

[starlightfell]

She blushed and looked down at the still-healing tattoo on her wrist, the four letter word blazing up at her in red and black. Love. Love. Fucking love. Which really was a small word for freedom.

"I don't know what to say," she said, cuddling closer to him. Because she had been prone to spirals, even though they weren't nearly as bad or as active as before. She was freer when she was with him. It was easier to breathe. "I feel kind of fucking selfish right now," she sniffed. "God. I ... I know it should be easier than I'm making it. Because we let it be when we weren't face to face. But here it's real and Jared ... what if I can't ..." she let out a breath. "God, what if you do have a breakdown and I'm not ... shit. Why am I doing this to us?"

[jaggedjared]

"Shush." He squeezed her tighter, and he breathed a sigh against the skin of her neck. "You're not being fucking selfish, E. I know you're scared, and like I said... I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm not scared too. I admit, I am. But I kind of decided a long time ago that I have to finally move past the fucking fear in order to live my life the way I want to. And that's what I'm trying to do, because you're fucking worth it. And it's not going to be easy. There will probably be rough patches. But I know I can get through any kind of shit life throws at me as long as I've got you."

[starlightfell]

She sniffed and looked up at him. "You have a point you know," she said, wiping her eyes. "I mean, the last seven years, we've been getting through shit together."

[jaggedjared]

He smiled at her, and he used the tip of his finger to wipe away the rest of the tears that she missed. "Exactly. That's what we do, E. Shit happens but we get through it and we get through it together."

[starlightfell]

She sat up and shifted into his lap, stroking her fingertips along his cheeks as she did so. "I love you, Jared," she whispered. "And it scares the hell out of me to say it. But I love you. I love sitting here, I love talking to you, I love touring with you and I can't wait for us to hit the planet together. And it scares me because I don't think girls like me are supposed to love people like you." She put her hands on his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him. "I love you."

[jaggedjared]

Jared slowly kissed her back, closed his eyes, and sighed in contentment. When they pulled away, he pressed his forehead against hers and ran a hand through her hair. "I love you too, E. And it feels like I've been waiting my entire life to finally hear those words from you, even if I didn't know you that long. For the record, it was worth the wait."

[starlightfell]

She smiled and leaned back a bit, looking at him. "So when did you know, hmmm? That you loved me? When did you want to make the move?"