My friend Chad is a Genius!!!!
My friend Chad came up with this satire on views against gay marriage. It's awesome, I just had to post it!
Why Gay Marriage Should Be Banned
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things such as: deodorant, eyeglasses, harsh chemicals, soap, food coloring, preservatives, polyester, artificial flavors, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Marriage is a divine institution. No one gets married for wrong reasons such as: money, power, wealth, fame, advancement in social status, or cashing in life insurance policies in the status quo. Only gays would abuse marriage in such ways. In addition straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. It would also degrade the sacred weddings that are preformed by Elvis impersonators everyday in Las Vegas.
6) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. And religions can never change. Thats why many Southern Christian Congregations today still use passages in the Old Testament as evidence that slavery is divinely sanctioned practice.
7) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. Besides, everyone knows that if a child is not raised by two heterosexual parents; the child is doomed to failure. Not only is the child doomed to failure, but the childs failure spreads to other children like the chicken pox. Children should not play with other children who have gay parents. They could get infected.
8) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. For further example, careers are unacceptable for women. They like staying at home. Just ask them. Even if we did decide to allow women to have careers and workplace equality; we could never achieve one hundred percent equality. So why try? Allowing gay marriage is an unnecessary change because things are working fine right now. Besides, why try if gays will never be seen in a true sense of equality?
9) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. Further more, it is better for children to remain in psychological trauma caused by living with out loving parents than it is to have them adopted by gay couples. The gay gene also makes a gay incapable of ever loving or caring for children.
10) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children
Why Gay Marriage Should Be Banned
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things such as: deodorant, eyeglasses, harsh chemicals, soap, food coloring, preservatives, polyester, artificial flavors, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Marriage is a divine institution. No one gets married for wrong reasons such as: money, power, wealth, fame, advancement in social status, or cashing in life insurance policies in the status quo. Only gays would abuse marriage in such ways. In addition straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. It would also degrade the sacred weddings that are preformed by Elvis impersonators everyday in Las Vegas.
6) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. And religions can never change. Thats why many Southern Christian Congregations today still use passages in the Old Testament as evidence that slavery is divinely sanctioned practice.
7) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. Besides, everyone knows that if a child is not raised by two heterosexual parents; the child is doomed to failure. Not only is the child doomed to failure, but the childs failure spreads to other children like the chicken pox. Children should not play with other children who have gay parents. They could get infected.
8) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. For further example, careers are unacceptable for women. They like staying at home. Just ask them. Even if we did decide to allow women to have careers and workplace equality; we could never achieve one hundred percent equality. So why try? Allowing gay marriage is an unnecessary change because things are working fine right now. Besides, why try if gays will never be seen in a true sense of equality?
9) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. Further more, it is better for children to remain in psychological trauma caused by living with out loving parents than it is to have them adopted by gay couples. The gay gene also makes a gay incapable of ever loving or caring for children.
10) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children