"What am I to you?"
So tonight I went in a bit of a bad mood. Alison posted this quiz on her livejournal and one of the questions was 'Do you think long distance relationships work?' and she answered 'No'. Which is fine y'know...her journal...she can say what she likes but I took total offense to it just because of...everything that's happened lately and I just want to clear the air/my head.
Me and Brycey have been together 4 and a half years now. It's a long time. And a lot of that time we've spent apart. We've been through hell and back together and it never ends y'know...Everyday something comes along to test us and sometimes it is really difficult to stay together because all the odds are stacked against you and telling you it doesn't fit. Right at this moment with us I've been living with him since January. We have no money at all. None. I couldn't even give you a loan of a bus fare. My whole family fucking hates Brycey. They blame him for bringing me back here and it's been a constant source of heartache for me the past few months. Since Christopher died I just wanted to be surrounded by my friends and family and not have any animosity at all. I wanted my family to love him. To be honest they never really did and this has given them more cause not to. It worries me because I don't know how we're going to live this sort of life together and keep my life with him separate with my life with my family. I don't know how I'm going to make it work and right now it seems like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Every time I'm on the phone with my mum we argue...it's just problem after problem...I just can't win.
It annoys me - it makes my fucking blood absolutely boil to see everyone around me with their trivial little problems and constant self pity and I try to appear sympathetic to everyone...offer my help when I can and try and be nice and I can count on one hand the amount of people who's properly talked to me about how thing's were going - offered me a shoulder and just didn't talk about themselves. I'm not surprised mind you...
The only person I have to turn to - the only person I ALWAYS can turn to - it doesn't matter if I'm sad, sick, happy, moody...it's Brycey. We don't have money but somehow he finds ways of getting some to get me some chocolate or a wee meal every once and a while...he brought me flowers on valentine's day, he brings me in lunch when he comes home from uni...he provides for me over himself and what I'm trying to say is that is LOVE. Total 100% selfless love towards another human being. I don't see that anywhere around me at all...I never have and I never will see another man sacrifice things for someone as much as that man has for me.
That picture was taken in the airport one of the times he had to leave Australia. I hate to look at it and see the sadness in his eyes at having to leave but I know he does it so in the long run our life will be better and he can take care of me and knowing that is better than any rushing fleeting emotion that can be dismissed as easily as it was called upon. It makes up for having to watch other couples get engaged and move in together because I know one day all the bad times will be over, we'll have paid our price and we'll have the kind of life we deserve.
That's all I'm going to say here before something is said that is really to be regretted.
Goodnight.
xxxxxxx