Easily Amused am I. . .
Some stupid little things to make you laugh. . .at least they made me laugh. The cop ones made me almost die just because my uncle is a cop and I love messing with cops. Good thing I have that whole "friend of a friend" thing. xD
Bumper Stickers
Watch out for the idiot behind me
I'm driving this way just to piss you off
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Lord save me from your followers.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Barbie is not a slut- her legs don't open
Be nice to your children- they choose your nursing home
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Rehab Is for Quitters
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Im a bomb technition, if you see me running, try to keep up.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
It's good to be a woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
4. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
5. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
10. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Police No-No's
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What? You need a license to drive?
Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
Is your power a penis substitute?
Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum !
Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead .
So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Bumper Stickers
Watch out for the idiot behind me
I'm driving this way just to piss you off
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Lord save me from your followers.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Barbie is not a slut- her legs don't open
Be nice to your children- they choose your nursing home
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Rehab Is for Quitters
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Im a bomb technition, if you see me running, try to keep up.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
It's good to be a woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
4. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
5. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
10. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Police No-No's
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What? You need a license to drive?
Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
Is your power a penis substitute?
Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum !
Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead .
So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.