Who knows... It is late!
I stress myself out so much when I really just need to stop and pray. School is overwhelming and life is hard sometimes and I lose track of all of the amazing things I have in my life. I have the most amazing friends anyone could hope for. They are not perfect, but they are perfect for me and I love them with all of my heart. I have never felt before as loved as I feel now. Alyssa, Cindy, Suzy, Ellen, Shannon, Sierra, Zach, John, and now Matt (sometimes at least). I feel like me sometimes and I feel okay with being me...not just sort of me, but the whole me.
Matt and I are talking again. I think even friends. I never thought we could get to that point, but it just goes to show that the heart is amazingly resilient. I still don't trust him 100%, but I know I have issues with that. He flirts with me pretty hardcore, but I think that is just him. Other people think that it means something, but I don't trust other people's opinions...I don't trust my own either, but I won't believe that he likes me unless he tells me because that is just the way I am. I just get confused and worried. I feel like he gives all sorts of conflicting messages, so I won't really know which way is up until he decides what he is wanting. I know what I want, and if he wanted to get back together, I know what I would say...or at least I know what I should say/want to say. I don't think he likes me as much as I liked him, so it could never work as a relationship unless that changed and I never expect people to change. I hate to say it because it makes me feel cheap, but I really do appreciate the flirting, even if there isn't the emotion behind it. It makes me feel special and valued and wanted, which I rarely feel in that way. I feel valued as a person a lot, which I am incredibly grateful for, but I rarely feel valued as a woman. I've never felt like I had much to offer. Even in relationships, I feel like I am scraping the bottom of the barrel to give them something good enough to make them want to stay...though I guess with the right person, they will want to stay no matter what I am able to give them...
Anyway, I had a challenging night tonight. With the end of a long term and the end of a long year, I am overwhelmed and a little broken. I was hopped up on caffeine and shaking and lonely and pretty much freaking out and Matt was awake and he let me come over and hang out. We just had a mellow conversation as I jittered around and it was really nice just to feel safe with him again. (yeah, I know that I have safety issues...) He was really nice and accepting of me inviting myself over, so I was happy about that...I just really didn't want to be alone right then. At then end of the night, I might have made things awkward, but I want to slowly piece things together from the relationship, so I asked him if he remembered when he had told me that he loved me when he had been drinking. He didn't remember and he apologized for it and said that he was drinking a lot then and that was part of why he wasn't drinking so much anymore. I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted to hear his voice say that he didn't remember and didn't mean it. It just feels nice to be able to talk to him again. I felt going in to the relationship that I liked him more than he liked me, but I am like my dad and can sometimes choose to believe what I want, so I chose to believe that I was wrong. I think he wanted to like me, but I just don't think he felt it as much as I did, which is neither of our faults. I'm just glad that things are starting to look up. :-)
Matt and I are talking again. I think even friends. I never thought we could get to that point, but it just goes to show that the heart is amazingly resilient. I still don't trust him 100%, but I know I have issues with that. He flirts with me pretty hardcore, but I think that is just him. Other people think that it means something, but I don't trust other people's opinions...I don't trust my own either, but I won't believe that he likes me unless he tells me because that is just the way I am. I just get confused and worried. I feel like he gives all sorts of conflicting messages, so I won't really know which way is up until he decides what he is wanting. I know what I want, and if he wanted to get back together, I know what I would say...or at least I know what I should say/want to say. I don't think he likes me as much as I liked him, so it could never work as a relationship unless that changed and I never expect people to change. I hate to say it because it makes me feel cheap, but I really do appreciate the flirting, even if there isn't the emotion behind it. It makes me feel special and valued and wanted, which I rarely feel in that way. I feel valued as a person a lot, which I am incredibly grateful for, but I rarely feel valued as a woman. I've never felt like I had much to offer. Even in relationships, I feel like I am scraping the bottom of the barrel to give them something good enough to make them want to stay...though I guess with the right person, they will want to stay no matter what I am able to give them...
Anyway, I had a challenging night tonight. With the end of a long term and the end of a long year, I am overwhelmed and a little broken. I was hopped up on caffeine and shaking and lonely and pretty much freaking out and Matt was awake and he let me come over and hang out. We just had a mellow conversation as I jittered around and it was really nice just to feel safe with him again. (yeah, I know that I have safety issues...) He was really nice and accepting of me inviting myself over, so I was happy about that...I just really didn't want to be alone right then. At then end of the night, I might have made things awkward, but I want to slowly piece things together from the relationship, so I asked him if he remembered when he had told me that he loved me when he had been drinking. He didn't remember and he apologized for it and said that he was drinking a lot then and that was part of why he wasn't drinking so much anymore. I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted to hear his voice say that he didn't remember and didn't mean it. It just feels nice to be able to talk to him again. I felt going in to the relationship that I liked him more than he liked me, but I am like my dad and can sometimes choose to believe what I want, so I chose to believe that I was wrong. I think he wanted to like me, but I just don't think he felt it as much as I did, which is neither of our faults. I'm just glad that things are starting to look up. :-)