An Update and Tea
Ice show time is over- today was the last day of the show, and so I now get my life back, and I get to go back to actually skating. I'm tired of spending my entire day at the rink just to go on and skate three numbers with no warm up- having to do every skill "cold"- and not getting to just skate. I miss just skating edges with power, and moving in an unchoreographed way. I can't wait to get back on the ice for a freestyle on Tuesday- to skate with freedom will be like breathing after holding my breath.
I didn't quite get down to the weight I wanted to be for the show- I'm about three pounds heavier than I was at this time last year, which annoys me greatly. I was still on track with my weight most of this last week, if barely. I'm still on my schedule to be underweight by my birthday. I must reach that goal! I did binge tonight, though, and intentionally so! I'm so annoyed at myself. I give up to easily. I binged in part because I was feeling as though I was on the verge of losing control, and perhaps if I just binged a bit tonight, I would be able to hold control for a longer time after today. I could have just tried not to let myself lose control in the first place, but I let myself be weak. Next time I will try to maintain the diet instead of giving up. And giving in to my weakness! I just hope that I did not gain too much weight. I ate most of a large bag of Tim's Habanero chips. So bad!
I often get the feeling that I am about to lose control right after an important event that I've been trying to lose weight for. This weekend it was obviously the ice show. It was such an important goal that I was afraid to allow even a tiny margin for error, and so it's hard not to feel like the tiny bit of control I'm letting go of for a couple of weeks means that I am able to go completely crazy and eat whatever the hell I want. I think perhaps the key is to focus on the next important event before the first event is over. For me, that would be the adult sectional competition the first weekend in March. I would like to be eight to ten pounds lighter by then, with visibly thinner thighs. I need to focus. I will focus tomorrow. No more eating crap food. No more screwing up.
I bought some laxative tea today. I'm so proud of myself for doing so undetected. I went shopping with my mom and realized that the fact that I felt the need to buy the tea today, and not wait for when I would go to the store by myself, meant that I would have to be sneaky. I distracted her with a frozen pizza display (seriously) and slipped several boxes into my cart, the laxative tea going undetected in the cart and at check-out.
I think perhaps it is a bad sign for my mental health that I am getting sneaky about my eating habits and inclinations, but whatever. My primary goal is to become tiny.
I can't wait to try the tea the next time I feel a need to clear waste to be at my proper weight for a morning weigh in. I'm tired of knowing that some days I might not lose or I might gain just because I haven't been able to "properly clear out waste."
I didn't quite get down to the weight I wanted to be for the show- I'm about three pounds heavier than I was at this time last year, which annoys me greatly. I was still on track with my weight most of this last week, if barely. I'm still on my schedule to be underweight by my birthday. I must reach that goal! I did binge tonight, though, and intentionally so! I'm so annoyed at myself. I give up to easily. I binged in part because I was feeling as though I was on the verge of losing control, and perhaps if I just binged a bit tonight, I would be able to hold control for a longer time after today. I could have just tried not to let myself lose control in the first place, but I let myself be weak. Next time I will try to maintain the diet instead of giving up. And giving in to my weakness! I just hope that I did not gain too much weight. I ate most of a large bag of Tim's Habanero chips. So bad!
I often get the feeling that I am about to lose control right after an important event that I've been trying to lose weight for. This weekend it was obviously the ice show. It was such an important goal that I was afraid to allow even a tiny margin for error, and so it's hard not to feel like the tiny bit of control I'm letting go of for a couple of weeks means that I am able to go completely crazy and eat whatever the hell I want. I think perhaps the key is to focus on the next important event before the first event is over. For me, that would be the adult sectional competition the first weekend in March. I would like to be eight to ten pounds lighter by then, with visibly thinner thighs. I need to focus. I will focus tomorrow. No more eating crap food. No more screwing up.
I bought some laxative tea today. I'm so proud of myself for doing so undetected. I went shopping with my mom and realized that the fact that I felt the need to buy the tea today, and not wait for when I would go to the store by myself, meant that I would have to be sneaky. I distracted her with a frozen pizza display (seriously) and slipped several boxes into my cart, the laxative tea going undetected in the cart and at check-out.
I think perhaps it is a bad sign for my mental health that I am getting sneaky about my eating habits and inclinations, but whatever. My primary goal is to become tiny.
I can't wait to try the tea the next time I feel a need to clear waste to be at my proper weight for a morning weigh in. I'm tired of knowing that some days I might not lose or I might gain just because I haven't been able to "properly clear out waste."