(no subject)
So I hadn't written in this in about 2 years so I figured no one read it, that's why I started writing in it again recently when I needed to vent and get somethings worked out in my head. It has come to my attention that some people do read this including my husband. I'm not sure how I feel about that but I guess it's ok. One thing though I don't mind talking to some people about stuff if you really care but I tend to believe no one really does so whats the point. If you want to talk about things in my LJ it's generally fine if you comment on here and if I want to discuss it else where I will let you know or bring it up, other wise don't be a jack ass and confront me with stuff I write in my journal. *edit* but don't be scared to comment sometimes it helps to see someone elses perspective ***
That being said, yesterday I posted on how I felt better. I guess I felt better because I of a certain situation that had been bothering me which I now feel better about it. But today I realized that as a whole I don't really feel better. I guess some days are just better than others, its hard to explain what is really wrong because mostly I don't even know myself. Maybe it's a lack of serotonin who knows. More often than not I like to be alone and have the house to myself. Maybe I am isolating myself who really knows. I do enjoy my "me" time but that's not to say I wouldn't enjoy time with others I just don't feel that there are others that enjoy having me around. Except for Chris, and believe me he is great and wonderful and I am so glad to have him. But sometimes I wish I had more than just him. Someone to just hang out with or talk to. A friend who would pick up the phone once in a while and call me just to chat. I don't feel like I have any true friends. I have some acquaintances, and people that are Chris' friends but no one that is MY true friend plus the ones that are Chris' friends I feel just put up with me because I am thier friends wife and they don't have a choice. They don't want to be my friend or attempt to really have a friendship with me. The people that have in the past claimed to be my friends, they aren't really friends because if they were they would call or make plans and stick to them more than just when they needed something and I wouldn't have to be the one to make all the effort. So I got tired of that and just stopped making the effort, usually proving my point that no one even noticed until they needed something IF they noticed at all. I tried making new friends but I don't really know how to go about that because I don't see all that many people except for at school but it's just not as easy as it was when I was younger. Plus I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe it's just me that's unlikeable because often I try and start calling people see if we can maybe have a friendship but they never call me so I feel like I am intruding when I call and I feel stupid like why am I calling this person that really has no intrest in me or being my friend. I have even invited people to hang out or do something but that never seems to work out either. And plus noone invites me anywhere either so I don't know it must just be me. Which I guess is fine. I mean I miss it sometimes but then I think about it and maybe I'm better off this way people always let me down and don't live up to my expectations anyway, plus there is always so much drama which starts to be a pain in the ass. And like I said I do enjoy being alone and I love Chris and he is my very best friend. I am happy with school and generally have a good life so why I am so depressed, again I don't have an answer. I finally even managed to limit my involvement with my mother which seems to be a good thing I suppose. So maybe it really is just a chemical thing and once that gets better I will be fine.
That being said, yesterday I posted on how I felt better. I guess I felt better because I of a certain situation that had been bothering me which I now feel better about it. But today I realized that as a whole I don't really feel better. I guess some days are just better than others, its hard to explain what is really wrong because mostly I don't even know myself. Maybe it's a lack of serotonin who knows. More often than not I like to be alone and have the house to myself. Maybe I am isolating myself who really knows. I do enjoy my "me" time but that's not to say I wouldn't enjoy time with others I just don't feel that there are others that enjoy having me around. Except for Chris, and believe me he is great and wonderful and I am so glad to have him. But sometimes I wish I had more than just him. Someone to just hang out with or talk to. A friend who would pick up the phone once in a while and call me just to chat. I don't feel like I have any true friends. I have some acquaintances, and people that are Chris' friends but no one that is MY true friend plus the ones that are Chris' friends I feel just put up with me because I am thier friends wife and they don't have a choice. They don't want to be my friend or attempt to really have a friendship with me. The people that have in the past claimed to be my friends, they aren't really friends because if they were they would call or make plans and stick to them more than just when they needed something and I wouldn't have to be the one to make all the effort. So I got tired of that and just stopped making the effort, usually proving my point that no one even noticed until they needed something IF they noticed at all. I tried making new friends but I don't really know how to go about that because I don't see all that many people except for at school but it's just not as easy as it was when I was younger. Plus I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe it's just me that's unlikeable because often I try and start calling people see if we can maybe have a friendship but they never call me so I feel like I am intruding when I call and I feel stupid like why am I calling this person that really has no intrest in me or being my friend. I have even invited people to hang out or do something but that never seems to work out either. And plus noone invites me anywhere either so I don't know it must just be me. Which I guess is fine. I mean I miss it sometimes but then I think about it and maybe I'm better off this way people always let me down and don't live up to my expectations anyway, plus there is always so much drama which starts to be a pain in the ass. And like I said I do enjoy being alone and I love Chris and he is my very best friend. I am happy with school and generally have a good life so why I am so depressed, again I don't have an answer. I finally even managed to limit my involvement with my mother which seems to be a good thing I suppose. So maybe it really is just a chemical thing and once that gets better I will be fine.