warning...long and rambling

[starlette1218]

you always want what you can't have...and isn't that always the way it goes? at this point, i'm not quite sure what i want. i've got some vague ideas, but really, they're just concepts of perfection. which doesn't happen. i've dealt with enough bullshit to know that much.i guess its irrelevant to look for nothing less than amazing when you know that you're not ready for that yet. or maybe i am. i just haven't found that person to be amazing with. i don't know. maybe my standards are too high. maybe i'm asking a bit too much for someone to be into all the same things i'm into. sometimes i feel like there's just not enough people to relate to here in RI. that there's always someone else out there, that maybe i need to go else where in the world to find them. that's always been one of those thoughts that has plagued me always. it's one of those things that makes me unable to commit to someone...granted there were exceptions, but those didn't really work out so well for me. but normally, my mind set is, what if there's someone better? to always think that makes it difficult to accept things in the here and now...and maybe it's an indication of the fact that things here and now are not meant to be. i don't know. i settled for mediocrity which i've vowed never to do. yet i find myself doing it again and again. perhaps i just haven't stumbled across that amazingness that will floor me, that will make me reel in disbelief. maybe i'm looking for an impossible dream. maybe i'm just fooling myself. maybe mediocrity is all we have. but i'd like to think otherwise. call me an idealist, call me an optomist, call me a fucking idiot. i just can't bring myself to accept that idea. i don't know. i'm thinking perhaps relationships are not the thing for me right now. that i need to be single and selfish and make myself happy. it's all part of the process, isn't it? i guess right now i'm feeling very anxious, very ready to do anything on a whim. i'm not ready to focus my attention on any one person right now...and i have a feeling it may be a long time before i am ready again. but who knows...maybe tomorrow i'll be ready to actually focus every inch of my being on someone who truly deserves it. i guess what it comes down to is i'm not ready to give all of me away again only to have everything thrown away. i can't go through that emotional rollercoaster again. i just want to avoid it. and maybe i'm being ridiculous and harsh and a bitch but i am so scared to give everything i've got to someone that i'd rather have my fun and not get hurt. granted it will probably be fun that means nothing to me tomorrow, the kind of fun you just throw away with the days old news. it's the kind of fun that doesn't take your soul away. i've been told time and again that i can't give all i've got to someone because i'll have nothing left for myself. and i found that out. after i gave and gave and gave i was still alone and miserable without anything to hold onto for myself. i can't let that happen again. i can't let someone take that from me. and granted, that's something i need to do myself...to monitor how much i give of myself. because when the day's over and done, who do you really have to depend on except yourself? you can't depend on anyone at all...except for maybe your family and close friends. and those are the people who matter most. those are the people who deserve to get everything you can give. not some asshole who pretends to be into you only so he has a great fuck every night. i've invested too much time and energy into a meaningless relationship which i thought would mean the world to me. i can't make that mistake again. i just can't. it's not something i ever want to face again. i know it's inevitable, but for now, i'd like to think i can avoid it completely.

alone is all we are even when we feel this close...it's just a lie we believe