i'm just gonna drink a lot...
so it was a great weekend. i had an awesome time in Minneapolis...well, St. Paul, with my family and i'm soooo glad i went. it's always when i'm not in state and i'm surrounded with people who i don't see a lot of that i really get to thinking. and i feel i spent an awful lot of time thinking this weekend, even though i was surrounded by people 24/7. i did not have a SINGLE second to myself, unless you include sleep, which i don't because i either had totally fucked up dreams or i was in such a deep sleep that i slept the whole night through without waking once.
weddings always make me think about two really huge, important matters in life...and that would be love and religion. and i feel that in both, i am completely lost. i don't know what i want in either aspect of life. i knew my family (at least on my dad's side) was devoutly religious and their faith is so strong and i just feel like i'm grasping at threads, treading water, like, really working to understand things. and my aunt told my sister and i an amazing story relating to my Grandpa's death and my aunts' belief in faith and it was just so wonderful to listen to it. and now, it's sort of opening my eyes that there's something there behind this religion that i've been brought up in. ever since i read Ishmael and started reading the Story of B my beliefs have been completely unhinged and i'm so lost. i want to have faith, i really do, but i don't know in what. and just seeing how religious my family is and finding out how religious my Grandpa was really hit a nerve with me this weekend. i don't know. i don't think i'll ever be a fanatical Catholic or anything like that but maybe i should start investing more of my time in my prescribed faith...maybe start going to church again and listening to the readings and trying to understand them and try to learn more. because it realy unsettles me that i lack the faith that is so apparent in my family. i don't know. i know i don't agree with all the teachings of the church but maybe there's something there to cement my faith, my beliefs. or maybe it's time i start learning about different religions, like really learning about them and come up with my own hodge-podge belief system that will work for me.
and now onto that thing called love. i love seeing people who are so madly head over heels about each other. it's such a great thing to see. and i cannot wait until the day that i find that someone who does that to me. i need to stop looking for it. i'm only 20. i've got myself plenty of time to find my true love. and also, it scares me that there are so many people out there who could possibly be right for me. like, how do i know that there's not someone in Alaska that i'm meant to be with?? and i know it's way too early to be thinking of the right one and all that, but weddings make me think about this kind of stuff. what says i'm not gonna move to New York and find my true love there? i'm always so scared that the right one is passing me by, i guess it's just one of those issues that i haven't quite come to terms with either. funny how religion and love go hand in hand. sort of. at least in my world, it seems.
enough of my rambling. enough of this deep stuff tonight. i don't know...i feel like i'm trying to find myself again when i already know who i am. but there's something missing...i wish i could say what, but i can't. the weekend has stirred many a thought up and left me deep in wonderment. i might distance myself for a bit. well, i've been doing that all along. i don't know. i need to figure my shit out. i am seriously totally confused. i may be in need of some guidance of some kind....meh.
weddings always make me think about two really huge, important matters in life...and that would be love and religion. and i feel that in both, i am completely lost. i don't know what i want in either aspect of life. i knew my family (at least on my dad's side) was devoutly religious and their faith is so strong and i just feel like i'm grasping at threads, treading water, like, really working to understand things. and my aunt told my sister and i an amazing story relating to my Grandpa's death and my aunts' belief in faith and it was just so wonderful to listen to it. and now, it's sort of opening my eyes that there's something there behind this religion that i've been brought up in. ever since i read Ishmael and started reading the Story of B my beliefs have been completely unhinged and i'm so lost. i want to have faith, i really do, but i don't know in what. and just seeing how religious my family is and finding out how religious my Grandpa was really hit a nerve with me this weekend. i don't know. i don't think i'll ever be a fanatical Catholic or anything like that but maybe i should start investing more of my time in my prescribed faith...maybe start going to church again and listening to the readings and trying to understand them and try to learn more. because it realy unsettles me that i lack the faith that is so apparent in my family. i don't know. i know i don't agree with all the teachings of the church but maybe there's something there to cement my faith, my beliefs. or maybe it's time i start learning about different religions, like really learning about them and come up with my own hodge-podge belief system that will work for me.
and now onto that thing called love. i love seeing people who are so madly head over heels about each other. it's such a great thing to see. and i cannot wait until the day that i find that someone who does that to me. i need to stop looking for it. i'm only 20. i've got myself plenty of time to find my true love. and also, it scares me that there are so many people out there who could possibly be right for me. like, how do i know that there's not someone in Alaska that i'm meant to be with?? and i know it's way too early to be thinking of the right one and all that, but weddings make me think about this kind of stuff. what says i'm not gonna move to New York and find my true love there? i'm always so scared that the right one is passing me by, i guess it's just one of those issues that i haven't quite come to terms with either. funny how religion and love go hand in hand. sort of. at least in my world, it seems.
enough of my rambling. enough of this deep stuff tonight. i don't know...i feel like i'm trying to find myself again when i already know who i am. but there's something missing...i wish i could say what, but i can't. the weekend has stirred many a thought up and left me deep in wonderment. i might distance myself for a bit. well, i've been doing that all along. i don't know. i need to figure my shit out. i am seriously totally confused. i may be in need of some guidance of some kind....meh.