I am fairly agile. I can bend and not break. Or I can break and take it with a smile.
So I've been here at Millikin since Sunday evening. I left because there was drama with Shaunessy and I. For some reason he thought I broke up with him. So to hopefully mend things I decided to drive down there and talk to him face to face. I texted him before I left and about an hour into the 3 hour drive he calls and starts freaking out telling me not to come. I told him it was ok seeing as how I didn't have work the next day but he was upset and told me he was too busy for me to come home and that he really wanted me to turn around. Well, after sitting in the parking lot of a gas station debating with him over the phone about why it's just useless and I might as well come, he agreed. I told him I would help him out with the stuff he had to do like cleaning his room. So I get there and hang out with him while he runs back and forth trying to get things situated with his homework. I did help a little bit with the room cleaning but there was only so much I could do seeing as how he kept telling me not to touch anything because he was going to sort through it later. Yeah right!
So we end up going to bed and I have all these expectations of leaving sometime the next day. Well, I wake up at 10:30 after Shaunessy leaves and we both had planned that he would come see me during his break between classes and then say good-bye to me. I thought it was fair but then I thought, 'Wait.......we haven't really had time to talk...." so when he got back at 2 we started talking about what went wrong with our relationship since he went back and if we're going to be able to handle it.
Honestly, I can't help but get the feeling that he wants to be single just for the sole purpose of not dealing with me and my drama all the time. You know? I mean, I know it's not because he wants to be with someone else here. I know he still wants to be with me but it's really hard at this time in both of our lives becuase he's really busy all the time and he can't give me the attention I need. So I'm trying to understand that. Being here on a weekday I'm starting to see how busy he is. It's just one thing after another for him. I think I need to start understanding that as hard as it gets for me. I mean, I don't mean to pick fights with him but sometimes its the only way to get myself heard, you know? I really think I need to keep myself busy because all my schedule consists of right now is work from 7am-12pm and whatever I do after that isn't really important. I was thinking that my schedule can look something like this:
M - 7am-12pm: WORK
12pm-1pm: Drive home from work
1pm-1:45: Either get ready or take a small nap
2pm-9pm: WORK SECOND JOB
9pm-???: Get done what is needed to be done and then go to bed
And then I guess that would be my schedule throughout the week. Oops! I forgot to add. The reason why I'm trying to keep myself busy is becuase I had a really bad attack last night. I really don't know how else to describe it. I was really really depressed and crying on the phone with Sam for no apparent reason. I just felt really useless last night like I just can't do anything anymore. Luckily she talked me out of it (thank god) but it really scared me. Then Shaunessy came back and I was afraid to talk to him about it becuase I knew he just wouldn't understand. I knew it was something that he wanted me to snap my fingers and then be ok. Well......it doesn't necessarily work that way. Granted I like it when I talk to people because then I feel like I"m getting somewhere but in the end I think it's something that needs to pass. Like a cold or something. I can't really help it even though I want too. I really hate feeling helpless but as much as I want to be ok, I can't.
So I dealt with that all last night. Shaunessy was really concerned because he thought I should go to work today (Tues) and just drive back at 10pm at night. Ok, if you do the math that would mean that I would come home at 1:30 in the morning. I was already tired from crying as it was but he really wanted me to go. So we tried to do something where I would leave at 3 am and just drive straight on through and get to work but he and I both knew that it wasn't going to be that way so I called in sick that night and told Jackie that I've been getting the flu off and on and I have a really high fever and there was just no way I could go to work. Hopefully she'll understand seeing as how James was sick just a little bit ago. Actually, to be honest, I really feel nauseaus and have been feeling that way since yesterday. I get hungry and I eat something but then I end up feeling like i have to throw up. Not cool!
So anyways, to pretty much sum up everything. I'm still here. LOL! It's really bad. I wanna leave because I feel like I'm in Shaunessy's way but I kind of don't because I don't want to go back home and deal with all the shit waiting for me there! It's just kind of like, "Blah" for me at the moment. I can't really describe it. I mean, I think things are going better seeing as how I'm not going to be taking classes until March and I"m really glad that even tho I'm taking classes they won't be affecting my work schedule. At least not too much! Plus I want to check the status of an application that I have at Katrina's Salon. It's a salon that's off of RT.25 so I'll be able to drive there in 2 seconds. Plus its so close to home that I wont have to deal with the horrible drive like I do with FSP. Plus I hope to take advantage of getting my hair done there every now and then. So yeah, think positive!
I'm gonna get going tho. I really should be getting ready to leave. Plus I want to try and attempt Shaunessy and Chris's room again seeing as how I was sick yesterday. So much love to you all!!
<3 M
So we end up going to bed and I have all these expectations of leaving sometime the next day. Well, I wake up at 10:30 after Shaunessy leaves and we both had planned that he would come see me during his break between classes and then say good-bye to me. I thought it was fair but then I thought, 'Wait.......we haven't really had time to talk...." so when he got back at 2 we started talking about what went wrong with our relationship since he went back and if we're going to be able to handle it.
Honestly, I can't help but get the feeling that he wants to be single just for the sole purpose of not dealing with me and my drama all the time. You know? I mean, I know it's not because he wants to be with someone else here. I know he still wants to be with me but it's really hard at this time in both of our lives becuase he's really busy all the time and he can't give me the attention I need. So I'm trying to understand that. Being here on a weekday I'm starting to see how busy he is. It's just one thing after another for him. I think I need to start understanding that as hard as it gets for me. I mean, I don't mean to pick fights with him but sometimes its the only way to get myself heard, you know? I really think I need to keep myself busy because all my schedule consists of right now is work from 7am-12pm and whatever I do after that isn't really important. I was thinking that my schedule can look something like this:
M - 7am-12pm: WORK
12pm-1pm: Drive home from work
1pm-1:45: Either get ready or take a small nap
2pm-9pm: WORK SECOND JOB
9pm-???: Get done what is needed to be done and then go to bed
And then I guess that would be my schedule throughout the week. Oops! I forgot to add. The reason why I'm trying to keep myself busy is becuase I had a really bad attack last night. I really don't know how else to describe it. I was really really depressed and crying on the phone with Sam for no apparent reason. I just felt really useless last night like I just can't do anything anymore. Luckily she talked me out of it (thank god) but it really scared me. Then Shaunessy came back and I was afraid to talk to him about it becuase I knew he just wouldn't understand. I knew it was something that he wanted me to snap my fingers and then be ok. Well......it doesn't necessarily work that way. Granted I like it when I talk to people because then I feel like I"m getting somewhere but in the end I think it's something that needs to pass. Like a cold or something. I can't really help it even though I want too. I really hate feeling helpless but as much as I want to be ok, I can't.
So I dealt with that all last night. Shaunessy was really concerned because he thought I should go to work today (Tues) and just drive back at 10pm at night. Ok, if you do the math that would mean that I would come home at 1:30 in the morning. I was already tired from crying as it was but he really wanted me to go. So we tried to do something where I would leave at 3 am and just drive straight on through and get to work but he and I both knew that it wasn't going to be that way so I called in sick that night and told Jackie that I've been getting the flu off and on and I have a really high fever and there was just no way I could go to work. Hopefully she'll understand seeing as how James was sick just a little bit ago. Actually, to be honest, I really feel nauseaus and have been feeling that way since yesterday. I get hungry and I eat something but then I end up feeling like i have to throw up. Not cool!
So anyways, to pretty much sum up everything. I'm still here. LOL! It's really bad. I wanna leave because I feel like I'm in Shaunessy's way but I kind of don't because I don't want to go back home and deal with all the shit waiting for me there! It's just kind of like, "Blah" for me at the moment. I can't really describe it. I mean, I think things are going better seeing as how I'm not going to be taking classes until March and I"m really glad that even tho I'm taking classes they won't be affecting my work schedule. At least not too much! Plus I want to check the status of an application that I have at Katrina's Salon. It's a salon that's off of RT.25 so I'll be able to drive there in 2 seconds. Plus its so close to home that I wont have to deal with the horrible drive like I do with FSP. Plus I hope to take advantage of getting my hair done there every now and then. So yeah, think positive!
I'm gonna get going tho. I really should be getting ready to leave. Plus I want to try and attempt Shaunessy and Chris's room again seeing as how I was sick yesterday. So much love to you all!!
<3 M