Trying to find the end
I am not usually the person to find comfort/inspiration/whatever from a Brandy song, but it just seemed fitting. This has gone on for what seems like forever. I can't even remember the last time I didn't wish this person was in my life. I ended it for a reason, I know that. But I find myself constantly wishing that I could call and see him just one last time. That one last encounter will be what I need to put it all behind me. Yes, I do realise that the complete opposite will happen and not only will I not feel better, I will in fact be back exactly where I started and where I have started from so many times now. That reason, and that reason alone is the only 'saving grace' I have from calling. They say that time is supposed to heal and make things easier, but all time seems to be doing thus far is making me miss him more. Why does something like this have to be so hard? Why do I need to constantly remind myself of the reasons why I don't want to be with him? Why is my heart struggling so much to comprehend the fact that a life with him is only going to bring more heartache? And ultimately, why am I finding it so hard to actually move on? It's not even that I think we are right for each other, I do in fact think the opposite. And it's not that he is the person I want to spend my life with, because I don't. I don't want to be with someone that makes me feel as insecure as he did. I don't want to be with someone that I constantly feel lonely with. And I definately don't want to be with someone that can't look me in the eyes and say with certainty that they want to be with me. Even though my head realises all of this, I find I need to remind myself every day of all of those thoughts.
It's funny, ten years ago I thought relationships only got easier with age. I thought by this age I would be married, or at the very least on my way. I didn't at any point prepare myself for what could have been. I honestly thought that things would just one day work out. People are still trying to tell me that, but I am far too cynical now to believe it, and I hate that about myself. To be completely honest, I don't really even know why I let something like this bother me to the extent at which it does.
And the irony to all of this, is that I am doing the same thing to someone else. There is a guy that I really think wants me to be the one, despite me giving him absolutely no indication of that. He believes this so much that he asked me to move interstate with him. At first I thought he was kidding, that was until he admitted that he would consider not going if I said no. To clarify, this person and I aren't a couple and haven't been for nearly two years. I am the biggest hipocrite to feel the way I do, when there is someone who has the same feelings. Maybe I deserve what I am getting. I am not doing the right thing by this guy, so maybe how I feel is like karma or something. Or maybe I need to stop being so fucking melodramatic. Actually start to grow up and start living my life rather than spending all my time thinking about it. I am so over feeling shit. And more specifically I am so totally over feeling shit about the ending of a relationship that really should have ended forever ago. What scares me is that I have been given the opportunity to move away and start over and I have been known to take that option in the past. The worst part about it is that it has crossed my mind to consider forging a life with someone just to have that opportunity.
It's funny, ten years ago I thought relationships only got easier with age. I thought by this age I would be married, or at the very least on my way. I didn't at any point prepare myself for what could have been. I honestly thought that things would just one day work out. People are still trying to tell me that, but I am far too cynical now to believe it, and I hate that about myself. To be completely honest, I don't really even know why I let something like this bother me to the extent at which it does.
And the irony to all of this, is that I am doing the same thing to someone else. There is a guy that I really think wants me to be the one, despite me giving him absolutely no indication of that. He believes this so much that he asked me to move interstate with him. At first I thought he was kidding, that was until he admitted that he would consider not going if I said no. To clarify, this person and I aren't a couple and haven't been for nearly two years. I am the biggest hipocrite to feel the way I do, when there is someone who has the same feelings. Maybe I deserve what I am getting. I am not doing the right thing by this guy, so maybe how I feel is like karma or something. Or maybe I need to stop being so fucking melodramatic. Actually start to grow up and start living my life rather than spending all my time thinking about it. I am so over feeling shit. And more specifically I am so totally over feeling shit about the ending of a relationship that really should have ended forever ago. What scares me is that I have been given the opportunity to move away and start over and I have been known to take that option in the past. The worst part about it is that it has crossed my mind to consider forging a life with someone just to have that opportunity.