Shadows !
My fears hide in the Shadows. Today has proved this so much.
I went car shopping with my father, he is at best, a very grumpy man, at worst, nasty and violent.
He became impatient with my mother after only minutes of looking for a new car. Shouting at her and generally being antagonistic. So we clamber back into his Honda Jazz. Getting into a car takes me some time, especially getting into the back of a car as I have to lie down to get in.
In a Jazz, the seat belts in the back lock as soon as the car brakes are depressed. I am still trying to put my seatbelt on as my father drives off, this means that when he brakes for the junction it locks and stops me from putting the belt on properly. I ask him to stop to let me put my belt on and he doesn't listen, so I say it louder. he ignores me again. Panic starts to creep over me as we are driving and my belt is still not fastened. To some this may seem petty but my seat belt was the only reason I am alive now.
As he continues to disregard me I start to scream and cry, panic overtakes my entire body and fear rises in leaps and bounds. He reacts as he normally would and starts to shout, telling me he will never drive me anywhere again. I am still not strapped in the car at this point and I am completely losing my mind and on the verge of breaking down completely.
I sit in silence crying my eyes out for 45 minutes while he drives home. Then some guy cuts him up and he starts to lose his temper. Tail-gaiting this guy on a dangerous level. Then they end up in lanes side my side, he starts threatening the other driver, swerving to run him off the road, shouting aggressively and getting really annoyed.
By this time I am shaking with fear and begging to get out of the car. When we arrived at home I wanted nothing more than to get out of the car, me and my mother then left him and went shopping to try and calm down.
He rang me to apologise later on but even so, it has marked me enough to stay in my mind. Does an apology really mean anything? He has once again pushed me back a few steps, making me feel worse and more vulnerable than ever. Does he have the right to do that? and does he really deserve forgiveness?
Most of all it hurts me that after all this I rang Lewis and gained no answer, so I rang Ian instead. The person who 'should' be there for me never is, Ian however I can count on, always.
It seems unfair that I turn to Ian all the time when he has his own problems to deal with, but Lew is never there when I really need him.
Anyway I feel lost and alone and I think I am just going to go to sleep. Sleep means no pain and less mental torture that being awake.
Angie x x