Fears !
Well what an evening. I have spent the last few days feeling sorry for myself. Not really writing how I truly feel within my journal. As a result I feel stressed and once again tearful. So I have left Lewis downstairs feeling sorry for himself so that I can come and write it all down properly. I apologise in advance for the length of this update but I have a lot of undealt with issues.
Fears
Some things in this life scare me, the dark, death and big spiders. At the moment I am experiencing fear on a whole new level. Fear that future events will alter my life forever and that I may not deal with them in the way that I should.
Scars
I have had little confidence for years. Something I grew to live with. Knowing that my opinion of myself was lower that that of others. I have always looked towards my cleavage for inspiration, a part of my body within which I had pride, albeit wrong, I always felt better when they were on display ha ha.
However, now I face the possibility that the scar accross my collar bone may well be permanent. If however it does fade, it will definately never tan. I cannot explain the depression this makes me feel. One more aspect of my physical appearance destroyed. Something else to look into the mirror and criticise. In an instant my confidence has gone, leaving vulnerability in its place.
Walking
Scared that my leg will never fully heal, yet another ache to add to the ongoing list of joint problems. Will there be any fully functioning body parts left. The pain is getting worse rather than better and the idea of an operation makes me sick to my stomach. Let alone the aspect of yet more permanent scars.
Love
1 week ago I was truly in love. Now I battle to speak civil to Lew. I can honestly say that this weekend I have been a complete bitch with him. Everything he does annoys me, everything he says I disagree with and I cannot bring myself to be affectionate with him.
He has not changed in the slightest and to be honest he is being nicer than ever. I just feel that my friends need me, while I spend time with him, I am neglecting Angela and Ian. 2 people I love and who need me right now. I am also deeply depressed and in need of councelling. I cannot think of anything other than the crash, if allowed to. The benefit of spending time with friends is that we laugh. Laughter takes my pain away and distracts me from my darker sides.
Lew is not comfortable enough with me yet to be able to know me. We are so new into the relationship that this amount of stress and trauma is dangerous and will test him to the maximum. I do not want to lose him but at the same time I feel that I am being unfair. He deserves affection and love, yet all I ask is for favours and assistance.
We have discussed this and he says he will try and cheer me up, rather than worry about me. I just hope he can. I think we need to see each other with gaps in the middle. That way I can devote more time to my friends and gain a more even balance of communication.
Restlessness
No matter what I do, I am bored. One of my favorite hobbies is films, yet I get no more than 15 minutes into any of my favourite films and I want to turn it off. I need fresh air, mental stimulation and visitors. Neither of which have been possible over the weekend. This makes me feel so frustrated. People take for granted the simple things in life. I would do anything to go for a walk, have a shower on my own or simply get through 1 day without pain. Before the accident I did not value my life for the precious thing that it is!
Life Changing
This experience has been life changing. I value more, want more and I am determined to make choices based on the idea that it may be my last. I want to live without regret and grow old. Taking with me some of the most enthralling stories any grandparent can tell. Live your life as if each day were your last, it ends within the blink of an eye! Live that way.
I feel loads better now. I think it is time I went and rescued Lew. I do worry about him, but do not really have the energy to try and make him feel better, it is hard enough thinking of myself, Ian and Angela. I know however that it is only fair that I focus some time on him.
Take care everyone, life is short.
Love Angie x x