are you broken hearted?
i just spent the last 30 minutes reading all of codie's latest journal entries.
up until the one i read the last time i was on here.
codie,
you're honestly the only reason i ever get on this damn thing. I miss you so much. everytime i read your entriees i think to myself i want to sit down with her and just talk to her. i want to go pick flowers and take pictures. or do absolutely nothing at all.
lately, i've been feeling pretty shallow.
not in the sense that i dont like someone because they're ugly, but in the sense that im taking things at face value.
i feel awkward a lot being deep and thoughtful because i think people don't expect it from me anymore. i dont really have anyone i can open up to that way. so i talk to myself.
when im in the house alone (which is alot now since allie moved out) i carry on these conversations about how much passion and creativity means to me. about how the ability to create things in new and different mediums is all i ever want to do. and i mean, yeah, i could talk to melissa about it, but who has time for that bullshit?
she has two jobs and school and i do what? i work. the end.
it just feels like as of late all i ever do is drink and smoke and watch tv.
i have a big open living room wall and a big open mind and nothing to paint. or rather, too much to paint and nothing i feel i can actually do.
i feel like im having bigger issues than what to paint and i suppose i am.
i need to get back into photography. i need some drive, some direction.
sergio got this really fucking nice slr camera and i spent like 30 minutes looking at it. not even using it at all. it seems foreign to me.
i haven't really spoken to sergio in a little over a week. i blew him off last sunday to stay home all day and watch On Demand. I thought I liked him for a while, but i'm so wishy washy. i dont like him anymore, no specific reason why... i just don't.
i feel like im in a constant battle to keep my head above water. to be a good friend and a good person. i feel like amy's talking shit about me constantly and putting me aside for everyone and anyone else. im pretty certain that's how the situation is. she can never manage to call me, but has plenty of time to call vanessa or talk to rory or whoever else.
i'm a friend out of convenience.
i'd like to feel like im in the same place for everyone else as they are for me.
eventhough i don't talk to you codie or people like whitney and stuff. and eventhough i make a bunch of empty ass promises to come see you and visit and such, i still think of you as one of my very good friends. every morning i wake up and see the cute little picture you made me many christmases ago on top of my tv. whatever. i feel like im being really whiny.
sorry.
im going to st patricks day in savannah this year with a bunch of people from work. and then disney world the first week in april.
it all seems so superficial though.
my brother still hasnt told me when i can go up to ohio and visit. i wanna see him and chicago so bad.
im desperate for change.
i decided im going to start working out again. i did it before with christine when i had two jobs and school, there's no excuse for me not to do it now. maybe that much time with myself will help me clear things up.
i'm also definitely going to for sure swear on my life to see your new house codie.
i'm off friday and saturday so maybe we could make a weekend of it sometime?
jesus, this is the longest journal entry ever.
but i feel better.
love you<3
up until the one i read the last time i was on here.
codie,
you're honestly the only reason i ever get on this damn thing. I miss you so much. everytime i read your entriees i think to myself i want to sit down with her and just talk to her. i want to go pick flowers and take pictures. or do absolutely nothing at all.
lately, i've been feeling pretty shallow.
not in the sense that i dont like someone because they're ugly, but in the sense that im taking things at face value.
i feel awkward a lot being deep and thoughtful because i think people don't expect it from me anymore. i dont really have anyone i can open up to that way. so i talk to myself.
when im in the house alone (which is alot now since allie moved out) i carry on these conversations about how much passion and creativity means to me. about how the ability to create things in new and different mediums is all i ever want to do. and i mean, yeah, i could talk to melissa about it, but who has time for that bullshit?
she has two jobs and school and i do what? i work. the end.
it just feels like as of late all i ever do is drink and smoke and watch tv.
i have a big open living room wall and a big open mind and nothing to paint. or rather, too much to paint and nothing i feel i can actually do.
i feel like im having bigger issues than what to paint and i suppose i am.
i need to get back into photography. i need some drive, some direction.
sergio got this really fucking nice slr camera and i spent like 30 minutes looking at it. not even using it at all. it seems foreign to me.
i haven't really spoken to sergio in a little over a week. i blew him off last sunday to stay home all day and watch On Demand. I thought I liked him for a while, but i'm so wishy washy. i dont like him anymore, no specific reason why... i just don't.
i feel like im in a constant battle to keep my head above water. to be a good friend and a good person. i feel like amy's talking shit about me constantly and putting me aside for everyone and anyone else. im pretty certain that's how the situation is. she can never manage to call me, but has plenty of time to call vanessa or talk to rory or whoever else.
i'm a friend out of convenience.
i'd like to feel like im in the same place for everyone else as they are for me.
eventhough i don't talk to you codie or people like whitney and stuff. and eventhough i make a bunch of empty ass promises to come see you and visit and such, i still think of you as one of my very good friends. every morning i wake up and see the cute little picture you made me many christmases ago on top of my tv. whatever. i feel like im being really whiny.
sorry.
im going to st patricks day in savannah this year with a bunch of people from work. and then disney world the first week in april.
it all seems so superficial though.
my brother still hasnt told me when i can go up to ohio and visit. i wanna see him and chicago so bad.
im desperate for change.
i decided im going to start working out again. i did it before with christine when i had two jobs and school, there's no excuse for me not to do it now. maybe that much time with myself will help me clear things up.
i'm also definitely going to for sure swear on my life to see your new house codie.
i'm off friday and saturday so maybe we could make a weekend of it sometime?
jesus, this is the longest journal entry ever.
but i feel better.
love you<3