Cosmic Irony?
For a while now there is a nagging lack of luck thats stubbornly following me around. Maybe I'm reading too much into this or maybe its just what happens to ex-hikikomori's when they decide to take on the big bad world again. Now it feels like 'this is me' もう慣れているけど. When I tell people about it they say I complain too much or that I always make excuses for everything. But I'd like to invite you to follow me for a day and you'll see that its all just a big fat cosmic joke that the universe decided to play with me.
At times I feel like shutting myself up again but thats not going to get me to Gackt's live is it? If my universe were to revolve around something other than Gackt, life wouldn't be meeeeh and I'd probably have given up on a lot of things before they are even half done. But with Him I want to see that it gets done.
So where do I even start picking up the pieces of my life that were wrecked by a typhoon called St. Bastard the 1st? Apart from my sister turning into a different person than the person I used to look up to and my desk space being taken up by babyfood and feeding bottles. I have to deal with the weird English that my family plus babysitter speak. Its like they speak a different dialect altogether.
Sometimes I can't understand what they say and vice-versa. And whenever I sit to study my sister calls me to run some errands. Or the twins start crying and the baby sitter begins a nonsense song to shut them up. I share a room with dad, and my sister's almirah and other random stuff is here. So there is constant thoroughfare. It's like trying to study in the mental assylum. Btw when I said 'share a room' it means that only my desk is here. My bed is in the living room. If one thinks about it calmly (while listening to Tchaikovsky's (damn I spelled it right!!) 1812 overture) one realizes that 1. one's life is better off not being a single mother (especially when your own mother isn't around). 2. One is better of if, when one's sister is taking the road down to being a single mother, you kick them in the butt and tell them they have to stfu and get the hell married already! 3. There is absolutely no need to turn the world upside down and the house into a mad house, just because you are a single mom with twins. Cause you F****n have a supportive family to fall back on. 4. And most importantly. DON'T GET MARRIED TO A NUTJOB, it causes the people around you immense trouble! I feel sorry for what my dad has to go through. OhMyGackt! This has turned into a terrible rant of over half a years pent up thoughts. Gomen!! But I'm not going to use the backspace because this is something that needed to be said.
I didn't know I had it in me to be this ruthless. But I've finally found something I love and see myself doing for the rest of my life and I'm not letting anything screw it up. It has been an expensive search and a lot of things have been sacrificed for it. So to not let the previous sacrifices go in vain I have no choice but to see it to the end. Not that I'm complaining. It's like Tess of the d'urbervilles. Poor dear Tess only happy after avenging herself. "Cosmic Irony!" A bit different from Tess but I believe that 'You can't achieve anything without putting yourself on the line'.
This whole idea of cosmic irony (put into my head by our kappa like english teach) is intriguing. Oh and I nearly forgot to tell ya'll that the window that's right next to my bed (in the hostel) broke and cold wind and rain water come in. Well it would seem that my bad luck has influence in those spheres as well. So Raru, who witnessed the whole thing, finally stopped telling me that I make excuses. True that I dont take action right away but thats because I hate confrontation, and this is not an excuse, its a fact. I need to learn to be more aggressive but I'd rather people just let me be.
Its at times like these I miss Mr. B (my ex-piano teach) the most. Mr. B とそろそろ仲直りしなければなりませんね.
P.S. Aly-chan and I watched Gackt Vs Arashi today (笑). 楽しいい！！