Mistakes
We all make them, some of us just happen to make bigger ones than others. Wow. And why? The "mistakes" I made in the past week would not be called "mistakes", because then I would just be trying to be nice to myself by covering up the word sin. I have sinned in unimaginable proportions and I admit it. I was so wrong, and I'm so so sorry. To everyone involved, I'm so sorry. Mostly I'm sorry that I've yet again compromised my promises to God and to myself. I am an utter failure. I have no one to help me, no one to stand on. I have God, but He can't tell me what to do, He just loves me and tries to guide me, what I do with that guidance, sadly, is my choice. Free will sucks. Not really, but right now I wish that I didn't have it. I can't make the right choices on my own. For months at a time, things will go wonderfully, but I always lapse back into the same sins. I thought last time would be my last time. And I quit them, but I was wrong, and I have done them again. I have no accountability here because I haven't sought it out. The friends I do have don't understand me because they don't really know me. I have about three true friends, none of which are here. I need help. I've been crying out for help for so long and I seem to be reaching into nothing. There is no help, and nobody. Lauren tries so hard to be that for me, but she just doesn't know what to say sometimes, and I understand that. She tries her best. It would be nice if I could have my best friends here, to slap me when I'm stupid, and applaud me when I succeed, but life happens and they're not here. I've broken about three laws, a million dorm rules, lost my cell phone, lost a shoe, been covered in other peoples vomit, been used by a boy, and been so disoriented that I cried because I couldn't help my friend as much as I wanted, all in the past two weeks. Amazing isn't it? That I could do all that because of my own stupid choices. The horrific part is that isn't even the half of it. I know I'm not worthy of being a pastor by any means, and now I'm just really trying to figure out what it is that I'm going to do instead. I know that God is right here, sitting next to me, but I'm so unworthy of that right now. I'm so unworthy of that always, but I just can't turn and accept the embrace, you know? We've all been here, and I hate it. I hate that I let satan have what he's had this week. But I know one thing for sure, there is no way that I'm going to be a pastor to a flock of God's people. I can't even help myself, how would I help them. I know I know, through God, but I'm not even a worthy vessel. I'm just really sad right now, there's about twenty people mad at me, and Cody Price yelled at me last night that I owe him ten dollars, when all I needed was a friend. But even that is unreliable, right? The guy that has been there for me most on this campus, which is utterly sad considering all of the, oh whatever, has turned on me in a matter of three hours over something I had no control over. It was my fault that someone made the choices they made, even though they were completely thiers to make. Oh geeze. Sorry you just read this horribly long post, and I guess all I can say in closing is, I need help. I really do. And if you see my cell phone, let me know...lol. Love you all, happy days and happy nights everyone.