(no subject)
my best friend in the whole entire world is leaving me in nine, well now eight, days. and i thought that i really knew what i was doing. i thought that the whole distancing myself thing gradually was going absolutely WONDERFULLY. last week i found myself at the point where i could think about saying goodbye and i didn't feel immensely sad. in fact, i was to the point where i didn't feel anything. after all, we haven't seen each other in more than a month. what kind of friendship is that, right? but now everything is back and i'm scanning my brain for who i can call to come and sleep with me and hold me and help wipe my tears when my world falls apart in just about a week. and i guess i'm writing to all of you in cyberworld because i genuinely, for the first time in my life, have no INKLING of an idea about what to do. i CAN'T feel better because no matter what great things are about to happen to me by going to college and all of the things that life has ahead, i just don't want to say goodbye. not yet. there're so many hellos that i have left. so many stupid things that i know i'm going to think of and want to say and not be able to. because it just won't EVER be the same. and i don't know if i should tell myself to try really hard, maybe harder than humanly possible, to make sure we keep in some kind of touch. and to tell myself that a thousand miles is very far, but i'd walk any day if i had no other way, or if i should just say goodbye. the funny thing is that i don't know how to do either thing.
not only do i want to stop this train, but i want to run in front of it and throw myself on the tracks. i am not asking, i am BEGGING this train to stop. and it isn't a case of meaningless drama that feels so large for just awhile. it is real and permanent and sad and scary and i want to scream at the top of my lungs that this can't be because things were just getting really good, that this just can't ever be because with some people you know that things will always be "getting really good" and no time will ever be a good time to lose them. and i know that i have some crazy costa rican connection with some of you, but that i'm not your best friend and that you will probably forget me after just awhile, but tonight i need you to be my best friend. i need you to wipe my tears and tell me something that, although it may not be true, will stop my heart from exploding out of my chest.
please?
not only do i want to stop this train, but i want to run in front of it and throw myself on the tracks. i am not asking, i am BEGGING this train to stop. and it isn't a case of meaningless drama that feels so large for just awhile. it is real and permanent and sad and scary and i want to scream at the top of my lungs that this can't be because things were just getting really good, that this just can't ever be because with some people you know that things will always be "getting really good" and no time will ever be a good time to lose them. and i know that i have some crazy costa rican connection with some of you, but that i'm not your best friend and that you will probably forget me after just awhile, but tonight i need you to be my best friend. i need you to wipe my tears and tell me something that, although it may not be true, will stop my heart from exploding out of my chest.
please?