Fic - A robot named Sue
Title: A robot named Sue
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Movie-verse assumed
Pairing: Tony/Pepper
Summary: It was a predicament.
When Tony got himself in a compromising position, he didn't fool around. Pepper couldn't think of a thing to say. Not a thing. This one was the best yet.
Her employer was supine on the glassy floor next to the bed. And naked, but naked was not even worth mentioning in her mental inventory of weird things about this job. And he had a condom on. Good for him. Well, he had one condom on his... power tool. Said power tool looked to have run out of juice. Pepper smirked. Then there were 9 on his toes. 9? Oh, one had slipped off his left pinky toe, despite the surprisingly accurate differing sizes. Well, how hard could a latex extruder be, even with built-in testing? Being a bisexual nerd playboy means being prepared for whatever ... comes up.
He was asleep. From the look of it, he had spent part of the night on the floor. Not that he had much choice -- he was trussed six ways to Sunday. Including, Pepper teetered forward to confirm, a noise-blocking, gas-permeable gag. That explained why he hadn't alerted Jarvis.
As she tried to stifle the giggle bubbling up inside her, Tony's eyes snapped open, took in her expression, and then squeezed shut for a moment. She leaned over him, careful on the slick floor, and pressed the stud that would retract the gag. Then she fished her multitool out of the thigh holster and cut the bamboo ropes. (She had always had her suspicions about why a thigh holster, and they were confirmed as she watched his eyes track as he worked his jaw.)
Pepper stood up, and after a moment of self-test, so did Tony. Only to fall flat on his ass again next to the bed. Whatever was on the floor was very very slick. As he hit the deck, she noticed a movement under the bed. There was a little robot under there, and it scooted out with an extensor gripping a length of rope.
"Sous-sex, stop!" Tony barked. Or tried to. It came out sounding like "Sue says stop!". As the robot was not named Sue, it continued in its implacable, shiny-red way. Tony worked his jaw again, then enunciated clearly enough that the little robot wound down.
Pepper sat down on a lounge. Tony sat on the bed. The little red robot just sat.
"What...?" she started.
"It was a good idea!" he said at the same time.
She leaned back. He was going to explain the invention, and she was going to find out what the hell had happened, because there was no way she could just tell him about another honorary degree now.
"You know, when you're having sex with um, people? And you have to fish for the lube bottle? Or untangle the rope? Or put on a condom? It seemed like it would be more efficient to have someone attend to those details so I could really concentrate on the juicy bits! Like a sous-chef, only with sex. Sous-sex!"
Pepper thought this was one of his more practical ideas lately. "Tony, that seems like an impractical idea. How long did it take you to tinker that up, compared to the amount of time you'd lose during sex?"
"A couple days. Lots of the components are stock. Just the programming. Which obviously needs some work. At least I was working on it alone."
"Yes, that's the second question I have. Where's Jarvis?"
Tony started to scrub the back of his hair, then pulled his hand away, looked at it, and wiped it on the sheets. "I turned off his sensors in here. So he couldn't see. Because he's snide."
"You programmed him to be snide."
"There comes a time in every man's life when he's entitled to a little privacy, don't you think?"
Pepper thought Tony might die if he were actually private. Just shrivel up and blow away in a puff of wind. He needed opposition like a plant needs water.
"Which leads to the first question. What happened?"
Tony remembered in time to keep from touching his hair again. "I was testing out Sous-sex, and it initiated the gag protocol on me in error, and then I couldn't use voice commands to stop the little bastard. And then the lube warmer/squirter went apeshit, and it got all over the floor, so when I went to stand up and reach around it to turn it off, I slipped on the floor and got knocked a little loopy, and the next thing I know, it has completed an awesome rope-tie.
"And the condoms?"
Tony sulked, he really did. "That was the wiggling. I've trained it to enrobe appendages that need protection. Because fingers and toes should get condoms sometimes. But I was trying to get out of the ropes, and Sous-sex got a little overexcited."
Pepper put her hand up to her mouth. She stood up. "Is there anything else, Mr. Stark?"
Tony, glowering and rolling toe-condoms off, sizzled with thwarted intentions. "No, thank you, Miss Potts."
As she sashayed out, she heard him growl to the robot, "From now on, your name is Sue. Got it?"
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Movie-verse assumed
Pairing: Tony/Pepper
Summary: It was a predicament.
When Tony got himself in a compromising position, he didn't fool around. Pepper couldn't think of a thing to say. Not a thing. This one was the best yet.
Her employer was supine on the glassy floor next to the bed. And naked, but naked was not even worth mentioning in her mental inventory of weird things about this job. And he had a condom on. Good for him. Well, he had one condom on his... power tool. Said power tool looked to have run out of juice. Pepper smirked. Then there were 9 on his toes. 9? Oh, one had slipped off his left pinky toe, despite the surprisingly accurate differing sizes. Well, how hard could a latex extruder be, even with built-in testing? Being a bisexual nerd playboy means being prepared for whatever ... comes up.
He was asleep. From the look of it, he had spent part of the night on the floor. Not that he had much choice -- he was trussed six ways to Sunday. Including, Pepper teetered forward to confirm, a noise-blocking, gas-permeable gag. That explained why he hadn't alerted Jarvis.
As she tried to stifle the giggle bubbling up inside her, Tony's eyes snapped open, took in her expression, and then squeezed shut for a moment. She leaned over him, careful on the slick floor, and pressed the stud that would retract the gag. Then she fished her multitool out of the thigh holster and cut the bamboo ropes. (She had always had her suspicions about why a thigh holster, and they were confirmed as she watched his eyes track as he worked his jaw.)
Pepper stood up, and after a moment of self-test, so did Tony. Only to fall flat on his ass again next to the bed. Whatever was on the floor was very very slick. As he hit the deck, she noticed a movement under the bed. There was a little robot under there, and it scooted out with an extensor gripping a length of rope.
"Sous-sex, stop!" Tony barked. Or tried to. It came out sounding like "Sue says stop!". As the robot was not named Sue, it continued in its implacable, shiny-red way. Tony worked his jaw again, then enunciated clearly enough that the little robot wound down.
Pepper sat down on a lounge. Tony sat on the bed. The little red robot just sat.
"What...?" she started.
"It was a good idea!" he said at the same time.
She leaned back. He was going to explain the invention, and she was going to find out what the hell had happened, because there was no way she could just tell him about another honorary degree now.
"You know, when you're having sex with um, people? And you have to fish for the lube bottle? Or untangle the rope? Or put on a condom? It seemed like it would be more efficient to have someone attend to those details so I could really concentrate on the juicy bits! Like a sous-chef, only with sex. Sous-sex!"
Pepper thought this was one of his more practical ideas lately. "Tony, that seems like an impractical idea. How long did it take you to tinker that up, compared to the amount of time you'd lose during sex?"
"A couple days. Lots of the components are stock. Just the programming. Which obviously needs some work. At least I was working on it alone."
"Yes, that's the second question I have. Where's Jarvis?"
Tony started to scrub the back of his hair, then pulled his hand away, looked at it, and wiped it on the sheets. "I turned off his sensors in here. So he couldn't see. Because he's snide."
"You programmed him to be snide."
"There comes a time in every man's life when he's entitled to a little privacy, don't you think?"
Pepper thought Tony might die if he were actually private. Just shrivel up and blow away in a puff of wind. He needed opposition like a plant needs water.
"Which leads to the first question. What happened?"
Tony remembered in time to keep from touching his hair again. "I was testing out Sous-sex, and it initiated the gag protocol on me in error, and then I couldn't use voice commands to stop the little bastard. And then the lube warmer/squirter went apeshit, and it got all over the floor, so when I went to stand up and reach around it to turn it off, I slipped on the floor and got knocked a little loopy, and the next thing I know, it has completed an awesome rope-tie.
"And the condoms?"
Tony sulked, he really did. "That was the wiggling. I've trained it to enrobe appendages that need protection. Because fingers and toes should get condoms sometimes. But I was trying to get out of the ropes, and Sous-sex got a little overexcited."
Pepper put her hand up to her mouth. She stood up. "Is there anything else, Mr. Stark?"
Tony, glowering and rolling toe-condoms off, sizzled with thwarted intentions. "No, thank you, Miss Potts."
As she sashayed out, she heard him growl to the robot, "From now on, your name is Sue. Got it?"