Mar 01, 2006 14:06
i think that, despite these assumedly related mental repurcussions of my reading break, its all worth it for the fun i had friday and saturday night. seriously, most fun ive had all year.
sometimes i think its all a cosmic joke. i spent 3 years of my life getting fucked up on every drug imagineable, every night, living the 'high life' (yeesh..) and now i cant go out and enjoy 3 consecutive nights of drinking/rabblerousing without it taking its toll.
theres alot of bitterness and resentment there, directed at myself. and a frustration at not being able to achieve 'normalcy'. or function like a normal person.
and perhaps there isnt even a correlation there. i just know that the past few days have rivalled anything i went through 2 years ago anxiety wise. i havent gone to school since monday, in fact ive hardly left my house. its bad, but theres absolutely nothing i can do but keep fighting the fight. and get my ass to dr. cruickshank. there's this group therapy jazz at Eric Martin especially for people dealing with GAD/SA. i think that could help alot more than the group i was in at school, which was pretty laughable.
today is the first day of the rest of my life. a corny sentiment, but one i cling to.
anyways. today i AM going out. i made it my goal to go to the library and start the immeasurable amout of work i have ahead of me in russian / cog. psych. the downtown library, that is. i find it very zen there somehow. im going to go for a run, and clean the animals cages and... BE PRODUCTIVE. because lying around in a haze of lethargic self-pity aint doin me a bit of good.