Kakashi/Iruka Fic 9-part 1/9 (Final)
This is the last chapter. It's a giant, clocking in at over 13,000 words.
This is why it is broken up into two parts.
Please enjoy.
Note: I don't own Naruto, obviously.
Title: What Doesn't Kill You
Paring: Kakashi/Iruka
Rating: Big fat NC-17
Warnings: Angst, manpain, language, BDSM, slight non-con warning.
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka are sent on a dangerous and enlightening mission. Unfortunately, this mission could have serious emotional as well as physical ramifications.
<< part 8
Part Nine: Everything, Part 1
Three days after returning to Konoha, Kakashi found himself mostly recovered and sitting in a dimly-lit room in the Hyuuga compound. He had been summoned from the hospital earlier that morning, and he had gone, reluctantly.
As he waited, he watched the shadows drift across the patterns on the walls, and thought about everything that had happened. A squad was on its way now to retrieve Fai and Kuro at the safe house. The shinobi were instructed to bring them back to the villiage for unsealing, questioning, and then cleansing. It would be a grueling process but well worth it. Kakashi wanted to see them when they did return, but he didn’t know if it was going to be allowed.
He had not seen Iruka yet. The young chunin was on the mend, but still having trouble walking. Apparently, the injury, which had appeared to be some kind of chemical or chakra burn, was in fact the devastating reaction to a highly potent and untraceable poison. Tsunade and her team had removed the poison from Iruka’s body, but the damage to his leg was not fixable with chakra, not even katsuyu, so his healing would have to be slow and natural. There was no telling how long Iruka would be in the hospital, or in pain, or needing to use a cane, or anything else.
Knowing that this one thing was actually not his fault did not make any difference. Kakashi still felt like the whole thing was because of his actions. If he had just moved quicker, if he had just paid more attention to where Iruka was, if he had just… done things differently-better, this wouldn’t have happened.
The same could be said of the mission. If he had just stayed on task and hadn’t let his feelings get in the way, everything would be fine right now.
He missed Iruka terribly. It had only been three days, but Iruka’s absence had left a hole in The Copy Nin’s heart. Another piece of him lost. Another mistake to add to his list of failures.
Well, Kakashi thought, at least it was merely a mistake and not another name on the memorial stone.
Then, as if his thoughts had summoned him, the door opened and Iruka entered the room. He walked slowly, cane in hand, favoring his injured leg. His face was pale, his eyes heavily lidded above dark circles. When he saw Kakashi, he stopped.
Kakashi’s breath caught. He had wanted to see Iruka so badly, but now that he was there, in front of him, The Copy Nin didn’t know what to say.
Iruka shifted his weight, or tried to, and pulled absently at the bottom of his flack vest.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey,” Kakashi pushed that single word past a very dry throat.
Moving again, Iruka came and sat beside him. He was ridged, tense, and he clasped his hands tightly in his lap.
“How are you doing?” Kakashi pushed the words past his lips.
Iruka shrugged his shoulders once, just a small movement, barely anything at all.
“It’s painful sometimes, but I’m not prone to dizzy spells or instant nausea anymore like I was the first few days.”
Kakashi made a sound at the back of his throat. “That’s good.”
He wanted to reach out and touch his fingers to ashen skin, run his palm over dark brown hair. His heart was aching.
“Are you nervous?” Iruka asked suddenly.
“Hm?” Kakashi asked. “Nervous?”
“About getting your memory erased?”
“Oh, that.” He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten about that? “Is that why we’re here?”
Iruka actually chuckled. “Why else would we be summoned to the Hyuuga compound?”
Oh, okay, that made sense.
It wasn’t that Kakashi had forgotten about the memory procedure, it was just that it didn’t matter to him. He had decided not to go through with it a long time ago. He had just forgotten to tell anyone important about it.
“Sensei…” he started, but then trailed off. What was he supposed to say? What could he say?
Iruka was looking at him expectantly, but he had nothing to offer, no words of comfort or assurance. Nothing except…
“I’m sorry.”
The sensei’s eyes widened. “What?”
Kakashi opened his mouth to speak, but did not get the chance to answer. The door opened and Hyuuga Ko entered.
“Kakashi-san, Iruka-sensei,” he said, “We are ready. Who would like to go first?”
Iruka looked at Kakashi, his eyes a mixture of pain, regret and something like relief.
“I will,” he said simply.
As the sensei stood, Kakashi tried to keep himself from crying out, from standing and throwing himself at Iruka’s feet. He wanted to beg forgiveness, to cry, to scream, to offer his life as payment for all the terrible things he had done.
But he did not move. He merely sat and watched Iruka’s back as the sensei made his way to the door.
When the younger man reached the threshold, he stopped, and turned back.
“Kakashi…” he said.
Trying to keep his feelings hidden, locked behind his mask and his sham of slouched posture, Kakashi choked out a soft, “Hm?”
Iruka’s eyes shone, and he spoke two words so softly Kakashi almost didn’t hear. Then he was gone.
The room was dark again, and Kakashi felt himself slip into despair. He would never be the same again. His heart was beyond broken and his spirit was crushed. He knew he was worthless and was getting exactly what he deserved as those two words hung in the air around him, like dust in a tomb.
Thank you…
Before he could be crushed under the weight of his own self-hatred, Kakashi stood and moved out the door. He left the compound; spoke to no one. Later, he would send a ninken to let Ko know he was not coming back.
* * *
Days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into a month. Kakashi went through the motions of day to day life without really living it. He woke up in the mornings, ate a light breakfast, trained, ate dinner, bathed, and then went to bed. He didn’t sleep much, lying awake long into the night, staring up at the ceiling thinking about everything and nothing all at once.
He did this same routine every day, lather, rinse, repeat. He had partitioned his mind again, just like he had every time he had lost someone, and had found a comfortable place between apathy and full-on numbness-something like an induced shock.
He had stopped going to the memorial stone.
It was not that he was ashamed, he had gone to the memorial stone and told his lost loved ones about terrible things he had done many times. They listened, and they understood. No, this time was different. This time, Kakashi didn’t want to go to the stone, because he couldn’t even bear to speak to them. Over this, they would not be so understanding, and why would they? Why should they?
Kakashi did not deserve any kind of forgiveness, especially from those he had already let down so profoundly.
And so he moved through the days like a living dead thing. Not really tasting food, not really focusing on training. Not really sleeping. Not really breathing.
When Tsunade handed him a mission to Earth retrieving a rare summoning scroll, Kakashi had taken it without a word. She had looked at him carefully over the rim of her coffee cup, eyes level, not giving him even an idea of what she was thinking. Not that he cared.
She knew he had not gone through with the memory wipe. She was the only one besides Hyuuga Ko, but thankfully, neither of them had said anything about it to him. Ko was never around to speak to him anyway, and Tsunade knew when to push and when to keep her distance. Good thing, as Kakashi was sure he wouldn’t have been able to actually form his thoughts into coherent sentences in the first place.
The mission was simple. It had been labeled an A rank because the information was sensitive in nature, but the mission itself was D. Kakashi was barely even awake for most of it.
Coming back into Konoha, it struck The Copy Nin that he was going to have to turn in his mission report after giving Tsunade the scroll. The thought gave him a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach but he took a few deep breaths and chided himself for how melodramatic he was being. There was a chance Iruka might not even be on duty.
He avoided probing eyes as he dropped his satchel on the Hogake’s desk and left without a word. When he reached the mission room, he heard laughter, the sounds of familiar voices. He briefly considered leaving and dropping off the report on his way to training in the morning, but his common sense reminded him about the melodrama. If he put it off now, he would just keep putting it off until he never did it and would end up getting written up.
Just get in and get it over with.
It was Kotetsu and Isumo’s voices he had heard. The two chunin were standing at the desk chuckling over God knows what, and Aoba was lounging on one of the couches against the far wall. Heads turned when Kakashi rounded the corner, and Kotetsu was the first to greet him.
“Kakashi-san, hey! How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”
While Izumo waved and Aoba nodded from his perch on the couch, Kakashi found himself slipping into a practiced feign of nonchalance. It soothed him, how easy it was to fall back into such a stance, even with the storm of emotions pressing at everything behind his ribcage.
“Mah, well, you know,” he murmured and pushed his hands into his pockets, “Old ladies in the road, cats in trees and such.”
“Haha, it’s that some kind of a code for reading porn?”
Kakashi squinted his visible eye in a way that made it look like we was smiling.
“Maybe.”
A head of dark brown hair peered around Izumo and Kakashi’s heart stopped. It made sense really, his luck had run out weeks ago, why should it be any different now?
“Hey, Kakashi-san.”
Time away from Iruka had not lessened the impact the younger man had on him. The Copy Nin stood in the doorway, frozen, panicked over what he should do or say. How was he supposed to act?
“Um, Kakashi-san, do you have a report? Or is there something else I can do for you?” Dark eyes regarded him with fondness. No trace of hurt or anger or disappointment clouded that gaze as the smile on Iruka’s lips widened.
It hurt so much to see the sensei like that, unaware, blissfully ignorant of everything that was tearing Kakashi apart inside. Iruka had no idea what the man standing before him was really like, what he had done. Unguarded and unprotected, Iruka just sat, smiling, waiting for his friend and colleague to come closer and conduct business like any other day.
Kakashi forced his legs to move, for his feet to carry him across the mission room floor towards the desk. Kotetsu and Izumo moved aside to make room for him as he took the report from the front pocket of his flack vest and unfolded it.
“Good evening, Iruka-sensei,” he said quietly. “How’d you get stuck pulling mission desk duty on a Friday night?”
To his surprise, Iruka chuckled.
“It’s Saturday, Kakashi-san.”
The Copy Nin felt heat on his neck, but thankfully his mask still knew how to do its job.
“Right, right.”
Taking Kakashi’s report, Iruka smoothed it out on the desk and started looking it over. “Well, I’m basically the best and volunteer,” he said as he read. The two chunin standing behind Kakashi snickered.
“Anyway, it’s not a big deal, I’m off in five minutes. Kotetsu is taking over for me.” He grabbed the stamp from the desk tray and completed the report before putting it on a stack of similar-looking paperwork. When he looked up, he was still smiling, still friendly. It was not until that moment that Kakashi realized he had been waiting for Iruka’s cheer to run out and those eyes would no longer smile at him.
“What are you going to do with your freedom?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka shrugged. “I might meet up with Genma and some others. They’re heading to Yakiniku Q later, or maybe they’re already there. And possibly drunk.”
“Hm,” Kakashi hummed. His hands were firmly back in his pockets. “Well, enjoy your downtime.”
He turned from the desk and nodded to Kotetsu and Izumo as he started towards the exit.
“Do you want to come with us?” Iruka asked, stopping Kakashi in his tracks. “Aoba is coming too, drinks are half off.”
Kakashi felt on the verge of both laughing and crying at the same time. One of those seemed appropriate, he just wasn’t sure which was actually trying to push up past his throat.
“Ah, no that’s okay, Iruka-sensei. Groups of people plus drinking really isn’t my scene. I think I’m just gonna get some dinner and go home.”
“How about ramen, then?”
Kakashi stood frozen yet again. Iruka sat at the desk, arms folded on the worn wood, his head cocked to the side playfully, and his smile soft and welcoming. This was the old Iruka, the one he had come to respect and admire. He had been missing this Iruka while he watched the one he had created fall apart before his eyes. He didn’t deserve this Iruka. He didn’t even deserve to speak to this Iruka.
“What do you say, Kakashi-san? My treat.”
Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.
“Yeah, sure. Let me change and I’ll meet you at Ichiraku.”
The sensei’s smiled widened and Kakashi had to escape before he lost control. This was not a good idea. What was he even thinking?
As he moved down the hall, he heard a shuffle and then laughter. “Holy shit, Iruka-kun. Did you just ask Hatake Kakashi out on a date?”
“No!” Iruka growled back. “Shut up, Aoba, you wouldn’t know a friendly gesture if it punched you in the face!”
Kakashi made it back to his apartment in record time. He pushed everything out of his head as he unlocked the door. Tossing his pack and flack vest on the floor, he shed his clothes and headed straight to the bathroom. After the fastest shower in history, The Copy Nin toweled off and grabbed a clean uniform. His shoes and vest were a little dirty but it wasn’t too obnoxious, so he pulled them back on and shoved his hitai-ate over his left eye. The air was cool in his damp hair but he paid it no mind as he locked his door and reset the traps.
What was he thinking? It didn’t matter. In truth, he wasn’t thinking at all. He was still heartbroken, still overwhelmingly lonely. All he wanted was to be near Iruka, to talk to him, listen to his voice. He didn’t care that it wouldn’t mean what he wanted it to mean. He didn’t care that it most definitely would not last. Just being with the sensei for a few hours, maybe it would ease his hurt, make things a little more bearable.
* * *
The town was still alive with activity, even after the sun had set. Though most of the shops had already closed, villagers still roamed, hanging together in small groups, talking and laughing. Families passed beneath him as Kakashi leapt from rooftop to rooftop, still partitioned to feel and think about nothing. He knew if he started to think, he would talk himself out of this. And if he let himself feel, then he really would just fall apart.
He dropped from the roof to the ground across the street from Ichiraku and paused. He could see through the break in the curtain. Iruka was already there, sitting on one of the worn, wooden stools, smiling and talking to the girl behind the counter. He seemed happy, relaxed.
This was his last chance. Kakashi knew that he could turn around now, go back home and go to bed, leave Iruka to eat alone. The sensei would be annoyed at Kakashi standing him up, but mere annoyance did not compare to the potential damage Kakashi could do if he actually walked the twenty or so feet into the shop. All he had to do was turn around and walk the other way. Just let it go. Go home.
The curtain parted under his fingers and he squinted against the light inside the shop. The owner saw him first and welcomed him, a smile lighting up his kind, elderly features. Iruka turned and smiled as well, motioning to the seat next to him.
“I had this terrible feeling that you were going to stand me up,” Iruka said as Kakashi sat.
The Copy Nin made a quiet noise, “I almost did.”
Pulling an overdramatic face, Iruka clicked his tongue like Kakashi had seen him do to Naruto a thousand times.
“Wow, rude! You’d rather sit at home and read your porn than have free ramen?”
Kakashi chuckled a little, mostly because the situation he was in was so absurd. “No, but my bed was tempting.”
Iruka’s features immediately softened. “Oh, I’m sorry, Kakashi-san. I didn’t mean to make you come out when you were so tired. You just came back from a mission, I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, sensei, it’s fine. I’m hungry and tired. Both of those things need fixing.”
Iruka’s smile returned a little and his eyes grew warmer as the two of them ordered. After Ayame moved away to start preparing their bowls, Kakashi let his eyes wander over to Iruka’s hands, his torso, and then his face. He watched as the younger man fidgeted in his seat, the skin around his scar reddening. It was charming, and terrible.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka started, “I am sorry for being so insistent about taking you out tonight.”
“Really, sensei, it’s okay. I’m not-”
“No, no, wait,” Iruka held up his hand, “it’s not… I mean, I’ve been trying to figure out how to speak to you for a month.”
Kakashi felt as if his lungs had fallen into his stomach. A month? Wait, what? What was Iruka talking about? How did he know? Did he remember? Had he not gotten his memory erased?
“It must be strange for you too, right, Kakashi-san?”
The Copy Nin swallowed past a throat that felt like it was full of sand. “I’m… not sure what you mean. Can you… clarify?”
“Uh,” the sensei looked away again, his hands smoothing over his thighs nervously, “I mean, the mystery mission we went on together last month. I… obviously it was S ranked or extremely sensitive or something. I mean it had to be since we can’t remember, but… I can’t figure out why it was me. What the hell could I have to offer on something like that?”
Slowly, the air returned to Kakashi’s lungs. Iruka did not remember, he was just curious as to what it was that had taken up several weeks of his life that he could not recall.
Understandable.
Shrugging, Kakashi played the nonchalant card yet again. “We probably joined a circus or something.”
The look Iruka gave him almost made the Copy Nin laugh.
“I’m serious,” Kakashi said. “We were probably performers or something. Tight-rope walkers or fire-eating dancers. I’m guessing we had to infiltrate a dog-fighting crime ring. And when I say ‘dog-fighting’ I mean ‘dog-faced people fighting’.”
Iruka’s teeth shone as his smile stretched to his cheeks. He was fighting back a laugh as Kakashi spoke, his face getting redder and redder by the moment.
“Oh God, I hope not,” he laughed.
“That’s some embarrassing shit,” Kakashi murmured. “I would definitely get my memory erased after that.”
“That still doesn’t explain why I was chosen to go with you.”
Kakashi shrugged again. “That prankster I keep hearing that you were? Perfect background for a circus clown. I mean come on, this all makes sense to me, keep up, sensei.”
Their ramen came out, colorful and steaming, and Iruka covered his laugh with his fingers as he tried to regain some composure. They ate slowly, bouncing ideas back and forth of what their mystery mission might have entailed, and then drank sake and spoke of other things. Naruto, the mission room, dealing with Tsunade on her bad days. It was sweet and simple and everything Kakashi had imagined it would be, so when the shop’s lights started to dim, The Copy Nin felt himself slipping back into the quiet despair he had become so accustomed to over the last month.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said as they stood outside the curtain.
“Hm?”
“Can we do this again?” The sensei’s voice was quiet, uncertain. “Sit and talk for a little while, I mean?”
Kakashi watched the younger man as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He seemed nervous, embarrassed even. The Copy Nin’s felt his chest growing tight with all the feelings that had suddenly reared their ugly heads. They piled up against the wall he had carefully constructed for himself. His protection. It was crumbling.
When Iruka was not met with an answer, his eyes lifted to meet Kakashi’s. They were sad and lonely, lost. It tore at The Copy Nin’s heart.
“I’m sorry,” Iruka said, “I’m being way too forward and rude. It’s just that I don’t think I thought about how difficult this would be to cope with when I agreed to the memory wipe. When I talk with you about it though… it helps.”
The sensei took a breath, his eyes dropping to the ground again.
“I don’t… you don’t have to, I was just… it’s okay. Nevermind.”
“Yes.”
Iruka froze mid-step. He had started to walk away, but Kakashi’s words had halted him. The sensei’s eyes returned to meet Kakashi’s gaze and they held there, bright and cautious.
“Yes?” he asked.
Kakashi nodded. His insides churned and his senses screamed at him, but his heart was winning this battle. There was nothing the rest of him could do about it.
“It makes me feel better too.”
The smile that broke out over Iruka’s face was so bright, for a moment Kakashi felt blinded. The sensei bounced once on his heels, a gesture that Kakashi found almost painfully attractive, and then bowed his head.
“Great. Thank you, Kakashi-san. I guess I’ll… see you later?”
Kakashi nodded again and stood watching Iruka’s back as he headed down the street.
What he had said was not a lie. Being with Iruka did make him feel better, but Kakashi also understood that this bit of relief, this small happiness he was getting, would no doubt have severe consequences.
* * *
They went to dinner again after Iruka’s shift ended at the beginning of the week, and then met up for lunch two days later. Their respective schedules were easy to work around, Iruka taught classes in the mornings, and worked the mission desk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings.
Kakashi, on the other hand, could just make time whenever he wanted. Besides train, The Copy Nin only had a few minor duties. He watched jounin initiations once in a while, and occasionally conducted an inspection of new ANBU recruits. This left him free almost all of the time.
It was not a good thing.
His common sense kept trying to think of ways to keep himself busy. Applying for an actual trainer position or volunteering for a mission, he even considered putting himself on gate guard rotation or bodyguard duty, but his heart sabotaged the plans every time. What if Iruka wanted to meet up? What if he had time that evening and wanted to go have dinner again? What if he was stressed after teaching all those kids and needed to vent? Needed to talk?
And so Kakashi kept himself available, and would always manage to be around the mission room or the lobby of the Hokage tower at the same time Iruka was, or he would be walking down a busy street where Iruka just happened to be shopping.
He didn’t care if he was being obvious, Iruka had told him that talking with him made dealing with the memory wipe easier.
Kakashi could justify it that way. He was helping Iruka feel better. He owed the sensei at least that much, right?
After another lunch on Saturday, and then dinner again on Sunday, Kakashi waited a few days before trying again. Tonight was Wednesday, mission desk. Iruka had been saying something about organizing files or some kind of paperwork that he needed to do, so Kakashi had stopped by in case Iruka needed… help.
The room was relatively empty, save for a chunin sweeping the floor. Kakashi poked his head in and waved to her.
“Hey, have you seen Iruka-sensei?”
The girl stared at him for a moment, but managed to regain her composure and point in a vaguely western direction.
“He’s in records.”
“Thanks,” Kakashi said, and moved down the hall.
The door to records was open slightly, and Kakashi could hear someone inside moving around, sneezing, and mumbling under his breath. The Copy Nin’s heart sped up as he recognized Iruka’s deep timbre, and he nudged the door open with the toe of his sandal.
“God, fucking, damnit,” Iruka muttered under his breath, and dropped a box on top of another box. “This is going to take weeks!”
“What is?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka whirled around, eyes wide and face red. Sweat beaded on his neck and darkened the hair at the base of his skull. “Oh! Kakashi-san! Hi, sorry, this is… God, it’s such a mess!”
Kakashi tried not to think about how good the sensei looked at that moment, but the thoughts came unbidden and refused to leave. Arousal coiled in the pit of his gut and it made him sick to his stomach.
“I volunteered for this stupid thing, but I had no idea there was this much! I am screwed.”
“What exactly are you doing?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka motioned to the boxes, “Uh, long story short: reviews are coming up, they gave me a list of chunin, it’s long, and it’s going to take two trips. Sad story is sad.”
“Two trips to where?”
Dark eyes flickered up to Kakashi’s face. “My house. I’m not sitting here in this dusty office reading in the semi-dark. If I have to do this, I’m going to do it on my couch, with adequate light, and probably in my pajamas.”
Kakashi nodded, a small smile tugging at his masked lips. “Do you want help?”
There was a moment when Kakashi was almost sure Iruka was going to say no. The sensei’s eyes darkened, and his posture tensed for a fraction of a moment, but then it passed. The sensei’s features softened and he smiled.
“You okay with coming over to my house?”
Kakashi shrugged, “It’s your house. Are you okay with it?”
The sensei nodded, almost frantically.
“Yes.”
Nodding, Kakashi bent and picked up one of the boxes.
“Okay, load me up then.”
* * *
Three hours later, both shinobi were sitting in the middle of Iruka’s cluttered living room, papers and files sat in piles surrounding them on the carpet, and two empty cups plus a finished pot of tea sat on the table to their left.
“I just can’t believe you’ve never had a pet,” Kakashi murmured. “That’s so upsetting.”
“It’s not that I’ve never wanted one thought,” Iruka said as he scanned another file, “I’m just so busy all the time that I feel I wouldn’t be able to take proper care of it.”
“You could get a cat. Cats are independent and mostly clean.”
He saw Iruka look up at him in his peripheral.
“I thought you were a dog person, Kakashi-san.”
Kakashi nodded. “I am, I love dogs. That doesn’t mean I don’t like cats too.”
Iruka hummed and closed the file in his hands.
“More tea,” he said before standing, grabbing the pot from the table, and moving into the kitchen.
Kakashi watched him go, his eyes lingering on the sensei’s ass as it pulled at the fabric of his uniform pants. He was so handsome, so sexy. How was he still single?
Arousal returned in full force and pooled in Kakashi’s gut, tightening his groin, making it hard to breathe. What was he doing here? What did he think was going to happen? What could he do but say goodnight and go back to his own apartment to lay awake in his bed all night and pine over a man that he should not ever be with?
He knew he was only making things worse. Why he had ever thought this was a good idea, was beyond his understanding.
Okay, he could be honest with himself. Kakashi had never thought that this was a good idea. He had known from the beginning, he just hadn’t listened.
Better end it now and start volunteering for missions. That would be the best for everyone.
Standing, Kakashi moved towards the kitchen, thinking of how he was going to word what he needed to say as he rounded the corner of the threshold. He opened his mouth to speak, but at the last moment he collided with Iruka’s solid frame. Iruka’s arms came up in surprise, their hips met for a fraction of a moment, and their mouths came within inches of actually brushing.
The sensei’s sharp inhale was almost as surprising as the collision, and Kakashi took one unsteady step back. Iruka was not so lucky, he moved back, but misjudged the distance between himself and the counter. His thigh hit the corner of an open drawer, and Iruka’s sharp cry of pain echoed through the small space.
“Oh shit!”
“Iruka-sensei!” Kakashi moved to steady the younger man. “Are you all right?”
Hissing air in through his teeth, Iruka nodded, his hand moving to rub circles into his thigh. It was directly over where he had received the poison burn one month ago.
“Damn,” Kakashi murmured as he helped Iruka to one of the kitchen chairs, “that still hasn’t healed?”
Iruka shook his head. “It’s mostly better, I get twinges every now and then but they’re not bad. Knocking it around like that though, it’s like an instant nausea button.”
Kakashi straightened, folding his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry, Iruka-sensei. Do you need anything? Ice? Heat? What did Tsunade tell you to do?”
Iruka shook his head again. “There’s not much to do except wait for it to pass. You could finish making the tea though, that would help.” He managed a smile.
The Copy Nin nodded and moved to the sink where Iruka had filled the kettle. The stove was on, so he lifted the kettle and was about to place it on the burner when Iruka spoke softly.
“Kakashi…”
“Hm?” Kakashi hummed.
The sensei’s eyes were searching the floor and his hands were clasped together in his lap. Something about his posture, about the look in his eyes, startled Kakashi into stillness. There was something terribly wrong.
“Iruka-sensei?” he said, his voice was dry.
“How did you know about the injury?”
“What?” Kakashi’s heart sped up. What did that mean?
Iruka turned to look at him then, his eyes were wide, and his breathing was shallow and quicker that it had been moments ago.
“How… how do you know about the injury? On my leg? How could you know about that?”
Kakashi gripped the kettle in his hands like it was some kind of lifeline. Like it was something from keeping him from falling through the floor, spiraling out of focus and out of control.
“I don’t know what you mean, sensei. It’s in the mission report-”
“-It is not in the mission report.” Iruka’s voice was still soft, but it had taken on a slightly hysteric undertone. “I’ve read the mission report a hundred times, it says nothing about any kind of injury. To either of us. Tsunade-san had me going in for injections three times a week up until a few days ago so I wouldn’t limp. She and I are the only people who know about it, there’s absolutely no one else. So how do you know?”
“I uh…” the world was crashing down around him. That control he had managed to build around himself was coming down fast. His walls were breaking apart as he stood under that dark and intense gaze.
Standing, Iruka moved across the wooden floor and stood inches away from where Kakashi held the kettle in trembling hands.
“You didn’t get your memory erased, did you?” he asked, and when Kakashi didn’t respond he continued, “Why? Why would you do something like that?”
It was not the words, but the tone of Iruka’s voice that cut at Kakashi’s heart like knives. How was he supposed to tell Iruka that he had not gone through with it because he wanted to remember his mistakes? So he could feel the pain and the regret of his actions because he deserved to be ashamed. Because he had done something so terribly wrong and he didn’t deserve to forget it.
Kakashi slowly put the kettle down on a cold burner and turned off the hot one. He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned his body to face Iruka fully. He couldn’t make himself say those things. He couldn’t find it in himself to explain because then Iruka would know. He would know. So he grit his teeth, planning on telling a lie, something that would make sense, something like it had to do with the mission and it was orders.
But what came out was something from deep inside. Something he had known from the very beginning. Something he could not escape from.
“Because, Iruka-sensei… I’m a monster.”
Iruka’s eyes widened at that. His posture which had been defensive only moments ago, changed. He straightened, blinking, as if caught off guard.
“What?” he whispered.
Obito’s eye was crying, soaking the fabric of his hitai-ate and the top of his mask. His chest hurt like someone had broken all of his ribs.
“I did horrible things on the mission, Iruka-sensei. So many stupid, terrible things. You wouldn’t understand.”
Kakashi found his lungs suddenly working harder to take in a breath. Iruka was watching him with an unreadable expression. His eyes were dark, thoughtful, penetrating as they looked over his face, his hair. It was gentle, but that seemed to only break Kakashi’s heart more.
“You’re right,” Iruka said softly, “I don’t understand. Because if you’re a monster, then I’m a monster too.”
Kakashi stilled, held his breath.
“What?”
Iruka closed his eyes for a few long moments, and when he opened them he looked at Kakashi through a mix of pain, longing, and complete and utter despair.
“Kakashi-san, I didn’t get my memory erased either.”
Time stood still for several moments. Kakashi stood unmoving, unblinking as he searched Iruka’s face. His heart had stopped beating. He still couldn’t breathe. Was this really happening? Why the hell was this happening? What was going on?
“Sensei…” Kakashi choked out, “Why? Why would you do that? Why would you want to remember any of that?”
The tension seemed to drain from Iruka’s stance and his features once again grew soft. No, perhaps it was defeated.
“That night… the night that you took care of me, I just couldn’t let it go.”
Kakashi’s head was pounding. “I still don’t understand.”
“Understand what?” Iruka leaned against the counter, he was trembling. “That I used the mission to have sex with you? That I enjoyed the things we did while you were focused on being a good teacher?”
He couldn’t look at Iruka anymore, his heart hurt too much, his head hurt too much. Kakashi’s gaze dropped to the floor and he steadied himself on the edge of the countertop.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said softly, “do you not understand that I love you?”
This was beyond worse than Kakashi had ever expected. What had happened to twist Iruka like this? How could this have gotten to this point?
“Shit…” Kakashi breathed. “Sensei you don’t… Fuck, I’m so sorry. I should get you back to the Hyuuga and get your memory erased. What I did to you fucked you up. What you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s warped and-”
Pain exploded in his chest and he went flying backwards into the wall. His head and shoulders hit hard, dazing him for a moment. Iruka was on him instantly, hands twisted into the front of his flak jacket. When Kakashi looked up in surprise, he found the sensei red with rage, his teeth bared.
“How dare you. Hatake Kakashi, you do not get to tell me how I feel. Do you understand?” The sensei snarled into his face, his fury surrounded The Copy Nin like a jutsu. “You selfish bastard! You have no idea! No fucking idea!”
As Iruka pushed him against the wall, as the sensei’s rage pinned him where he was, choking the fight out of him, wrapping a strong hold around his heart and his mind, Kakashi felt something inside him finally break. The pieces of himself started to fall away, leaving nothing but a terrifying sadness, deeper than the despair he had grown so familiar with. It was swallowing him up, eating him alive. It was so dark and frightening. So cold.
“I’m sorry…” he said softly, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for what I did to you, sensei. I’m sorry…”
“What?” he heard Iruka’s voice but it was far away.
Kakashi’s legs buckled and he slid to the floor. He sat with his legs on either side of Iruka’s knees, the fight was gone. He didn’t know how to feel anymore.
“I have to atone. I have to feel the guilt...”
Iruka’s hands had left his vest and were touching his hair, his shoulders. “Kakashi-san, what are you talking about?”
“I wanted you so bad, sensei. I didn’t care about anything else. I used the situation. You couldn’t say no because they were listening and I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-”
“-Kakashi-san, stop.” He felt Iruka’s hands on his hitai-ate, pulling it from his forehead, and then cool air on his lips as the sensei tugged his mask down to his neck.
“What kind of person rapes their subordinate using the mission as an excuse? What kind of person does that make me? What kind of shinobi am I?”
“Oh my God… Is that really what you’ve been thinking all this time?”
He didn’t want to look up, but Iruka took his chin in his fingers and made The Copy Nin meet his eyes. There was compassion there, worry, love, all the things that Kakashi did not deserve.
Tears blurred his vision. His breath was coming in choked sobs as he pleaded in a strangled voice.
“Don’t love me, sensei. Please don’t. I would probably make the same mistakes again if I had the chance. Stay away from me.”
But Iruka was not listening to him. The sensei had Kakashi’s face in his hands, he was pressed up tight against the jounin’s chest, trembling, but strong. Iruka was so solid and so warm that Kakashi wanted nothing at that moment but to melt right into the other man’s body and forget everything.
“Oh, Kakashi-san,” Iruka’s voice was soft, “I had no idea. I can’t believe… you should have said something. You poor thing, I’m so sorry.”
“Iruka…” Kakashi moaned, not even sure what he wanted to say.
The sensei continued to stroke Kakashi’s face and slide fingers through his hair as he spoke. “Listen to me, Kakashi-san. I have loved you for years. For years. I had to work so hard to get on that mission. I had to swallow every bit of my pride and beg the Hogake to let me go. I didn’t care what kind of shit I had to go through, I didn’t care what I had to do, all I wanted was a chance to be with you. There is no way that you forced me, I would have gladly done anything and everything you asked me to, without question.”
Kakashi shook his head, not believing a word. There was no way.
“Kakashi-san!” Iruka’s voice was harsh, commanding, and Kakashi froze, his churning insides tensing.
“You think I couldn’t have gotten myself out of that situation? You think I wouldn’t have been able to tease my way out of having sex right before a performance? That’s insulting. You did not rape me.”
Kakashi shook his head again.
“Kakashi-san, say it. You did not rape me.”
More tears spilled from Kakashi’s eyes and over Iruka’s fingers. The Copy Nin opened his mouth to obey, but his common sense stopped him once again. This couldn’t be real, could it?
“Kakashi-san, you will not move from this spot unless you listen. I will make sure you rot here if you don’t say it: You did not rape me.”
Trembling, heart pounding, Kakashi opened his mouth again.
“I didn’t rape you.”
“Good, say it again.”
Kakashi breathed in deeply. “I didn’t rape you.”
Iruka nodded. “Good, one more time.”
“I…” Kakashi’s voice caught but he swallowed and tried again. “I didn’t rape you.”
Iruka nodded. “Okay, that was good. Now, come with me.”
In a daze, Kakashi let Iruka help him to his feet. They made their way down the hall and into the bathroom. For a moment, when Iruka started to undress him, Kakashi thought about fighting it. However, he managed to stand pliant while the sensei took off his clothes and sit him down on the bench. The hot water felt good on his skin. He had a silly image in his head where his transgressions had manifested as buildup on his skin but they were washed away down the drain as Iruka cleaned him, rubbing soapy circles into his sore muscles. He closed his eyes in careful, desperate pleasure when the sensei’s dull fingernails scratched his scalp and washed his hair.
After rinsing, Iruka guided him to the tub and helped him settle back against the wall. Kakashi closed his eyes and after an immeasurable amount of time passed, he felt Iruka sliding into the water in front of him.
Opening the one grey eye, he met the sensei’s gaze. It was tentative, but also loving and warm. Kakashi was very warm at the moment.
It dawned on Kakashi then what was happening. He was on the receiving end of true aftercare. This had never happened before. The people that had tried to dominate him in the past had been relatively kind after their scenes, but because none of them had ever truly dominated Kakashi, they were never adequately equipped to care for him. This was one of the reasons Kakashi had taken great pains to learn to properly recover his subs.
Now, as his body and his mind started to recover, he was able to come up out of that dark place he had fallen into and could appreciate what Iruka was doing for him. Never before had such attention been focused on his healing and his healing alone. It was incredible. Iruka had taken control as Kakashi had broken down, then he had calmed him, washed him, and was now sitting, waiting patiently to see if there was anything else he could do.
He was so fucking perfect. How could Kakashi not love this man?
“I would tell you I’m sorry, but I’m worried you might be tired of hearing that.”
Iruka smiled softly. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. We’re both at fault for the things that happened. We were stupid and selfish, but we still completed the mission. Fai and Kuro are safe, and the drug ring has been all but eradicated.”
“Are they here?” Kakashi asked, “Fai and Kuro, I mean?”
Iruka nodded. “Do you want to see them?”
“Yes.”
“I can take you tomorrow, if you want.”
Kakashi sighed and lifted a hand to run over Iruka’s calf. “Yes, I would like that very much.”
Iruka’s gaze drifted over Kakashi’s face, down his neck, and over his shoulders. “You know, I can be here for you, like this. You said you don’t live this lifestyle anymore, but once in a while, after missions or whatever, when you need it…”
Kakashi shook his head, the threat of tears pushing at the backs of his eyes. “No, I don’t want that with you.”
Hurt flashed across Iruka’s face and he murmured, “Oh, okay. I understand.”
Kakashi immediately regretted his choice of words. “No, shit,” he tried to move but his fatigue was more than just emotional, “I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”
“How did you mean it?” Iruka asked, his eyes lidded.
Kakashi took a breath. “I mean that I don’t want an occasional thing with you, Iruka-sensei. I want to be with you all the time.”
Iruka’s eyes widened and immediately filled with tears. He clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle a quiet “oh my God” and then pressed both palms into this eyes. “Sh…shit…” he murmured wetly, shaking with sobs and laughter at the same time. Kakashi reached out his hand to touch the sensei’s arm gently, and he younger man uncurled himself and slid across Kakashi’s lap. He wrapped himself around The Copy Nin’s body, one knee on either side of Kakashi’s thighs, and held him tight.
He whispered against the jounin’s temple, “Kakashi-san, do you love me?”
“Yes,” Kakashi said without hesitation. “Yes, I love you.”
Iruka pulled back so he could splay his fingers across Kakashi’s cheeks. He ghosted his lips across Kakashi’s and breathed heavily into his mouth.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he whispered, “It’s a like a dream.”
Kakashi slid shaking hands up smooth thighs and gripped strong, tanned hips. “You’re so perfect Iruka-sensei, I don’t even understand how you’re real.”
Iruka kissed him then, his tongue slid into Kakashi’s mouth and he groaned, low and deep in his throat. His length pressed hard and anxious into Kakashi’s stomach, making the older man shiver with anticipation and need.
“The first time you touched me,” Iruka said between kisses, “when you slid the cock ring on, I thought I was going to die. Fuck, that first time was so incredible. Your hands and your voice, oh God, your voice.”
Kakashi was overwhelmed. There were so many places to touch, so many kisses to catch up on, so much skin to drag his lips over and caress.
“I thought you hated it, you seemed so upset afterwards.”
Iruka shook his head and kissed him again. “I was angry at myself for enjoying it so much. You were so professional so I thought I was making you angry.”
“No,” Kakashi managed to sit up and wrap his arms around Iruka’s waist, “hell no. I wanted to comfort you so badly. I wanted to take you back to the hotel and do it again. I swear I was anything but professional, sensei.”
“Call me Iruka,” he panted, “please.”
“Iruka…” Kakashi said softly.
As he slid his hands up into Kakashi’s hair, Iruka whispered, “Eventually, I want talk about everything. I want to know what you were thinking during the mission, and I want you to know how I was feeling.” He kissed The Copy Nin’s lips again. “But right now I want something else.”
Kakashi trembled violently and his heart beat so hard he was sure the sensei could hear it.
“What do you want?”
“I want you to lie back and put your hands on the edge of the tub.”
Kakashi obeyed without hesitation. He leaned back, resting his back against the smooth porcelain, and lifted his hands. When he wrapped his fingers around the tub’s edges, he asked, “Like this?”
“Yes,” Iruka whispered. “Now, keep them there.”
Kakashi writhed as the sensei ground his hips down. When Iruka licked and kissed his way up his neck, the jounin groaned softly and let his head fall back. He felt helpless as Iruka touched every part of him with his fingers and with his tongue, but he also felt safe, comforted, loved. It was all so unexpected, so unbelievable that when Iruka lowered himself to the water and took Kakashi’s length in his mouth, The Copy Nin felt the tears return and trickle down from the corners of his eyes. He arched hard as the sensei sucked him under the water and stroked him with strong hands. It felt so good, so terribly good.
The tension coiled in his loins, pressure built and pleasure started to crest. He felt himself on the verge of coming, his toes curled and his thighs squeezed Iruka’s torso.
“Ah,” he gasped, “yes…”
Then it stopped. Iruka slid off his erection and lifted himself from the water, breathing heavily and pulling his wet hair back from his face.
“No, no, don’t stop,” Kakashi begged, “Please don’t stop, Iruka, I’m so close.”
“I know,” the sensei said softly, leaning in for another long, amazing kiss. He climbed back into Kakashi’s lap, rolling his hips, teasing the jounin’s aching cock with every move. “Calm down, get it under control, I’m not done yet.”
Kakashi clenched his jaw against another soft moan and closed his eyes. He could do it. He could do it for Iruka, if Iruka wanted him to.
“Okay…” he whispered, “Okay, do what you want. I won’t come.”
Iruka ground down again and nipped at Kakashi’s bottom lip. “You promise?”
“Yes,” Kakashi whispered, “Shit, I mean I’ll try. I’ll fucking try...”
“Good boy,” Iruka said as he lifted himself up, putting his weight on Kakashi’s shoulder. The jounin felt the sensei’s fingers on his length, guiding him, and then he was sliding inside. There was warmth, so much hotter than the water surrounding him, and there was softness, and Iruka’s hands on his face, Iruka’s lips on his skin. He arched again and moaned softly as Iruka sank down on him completely. He was delirious with pleasure, high on being at Iruka’s mercy. All he wanted was to grip those amazing hips and thrust up into the sensei until he passed out. It wouldn’t take much, he was so close.
“Iruka,” he growled against the sensei’s chest, “please may I touch you. Please let me hold you.”
“No,” Iruka said as he started to move. Slow, powerful rolls of his hips that sent Kakashi’s head spinning. “Not yet. Show me you can do as I say when it’s not a mission.”
It was excruciating, not being able to touch; not being able to participate beyond his cock sliding in and out of heaven at an almost painfully slow pace. He grunted in pleasure, in frustration, his loins ached in want of release but he held on. He held desperately to the edges of the tub as Iruka fucked him so slow, so lovingly, it started to mend his heart and break it all over again at the same time.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said, his voice breathless, “tell me you love me. Say it again.”
He was trembling under Iruka’s weight, shaking beneath all that power and strength, that amazing sexuality he had seen again and again. It was all directed at him now, there was no audience, no mission, just Iruka and is love and his passion.
“I love you.”
Iruka came in close and panted in his ear. “My name, Kakashi-san. Say it with my name.”
“I love you, Iruka.”
He felt the catch in Iruka’s breathing, the sob that wracked his frame but came out silently. Kakashi couldn’t hold out anymore, he was at his limit.
“Iruka,” he begged again, “Iruka, please. Let me hold you, please.”
The sensei put one hand on the edge of the tub and the other pumped himself roughly as he sped up his movements. “Ah, yeah do it. I’m coming.”
Kakashi sat up, his hands moving to Iruka’s hips. He thrust a handful of times before the noises Iruka was making set him off. He came so hard he saw stars on the edges of his blacked-out vision. He moaned into the sensei’s neck, pulsing into that amazing body. And then, when what little strength he had left him, he melted into Iruka’s shaking embrace.
“…you…” Iruka was whispering against his cheek, “I love you… I love you…”
They stayed that way for a long time, long after the water cooled and goosebumps broke out across their skin. Neither of them wanted to move, to break the moment. However, when Kakashi started to shiver, Iruka pulled away and climbed out, coaxing The Copy Nin out after him. He toweled them dry, and led Kakashi to the bedroom. The bed was soft and the blankets were warm. Kakashi stretched out on his side and breathed in the sweet smell of Iruka’s shampoo as he watched the sensei turn out all the lights and then slide into bed next to him. He wanted to say so many things, he wanted to tell the sensei what it meant-what being here in his bed meant, but Kakashi was so tired. He felt he had never been this tired before in his life, not even after almost dying.
When Iruka took him in his arms, Kakashi relaxed against the sensei’s chest, closed his eyes, and drifted off into sleep within seconds.
TBC
On to part 2 >>
All previous chapters here.
:]
This is why it is broken up into two parts.
Please enjoy.
Note: I don't own Naruto, obviously.
Title: What Doesn't Kill You
Paring: Kakashi/Iruka
Rating: Big fat NC-17
Warnings: Angst, manpain, language, BDSM, slight non-con warning.
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka are sent on a dangerous and enlightening mission. Unfortunately, this mission could have serious emotional as well as physical ramifications.
<< part 8
Part Nine: Everything, Part 1
Three days after returning to Konoha, Kakashi found himself mostly recovered and sitting in a dimly-lit room in the Hyuuga compound. He had been summoned from the hospital earlier that morning, and he had gone, reluctantly.
As he waited, he watched the shadows drift across the patterns on the walls, and thought about everything that had happened. A squad was on its way now to retrieve Fai and Kuro at the safe house. The shinobi were instructed to bring them back to the villiage for unsealing, questioning, and then cleansing. It would be a grueling process but well worth it. Kakashi wanted to see them when they did return, but he didn’t know if it was going to be allowed.
He had not seen Iruka yet. The young chunin was on the mend, but still having trouble walking. Apparently, the injury, which had appeared to be some kind of chemical or chakra burn, was in fact the devastating reaction to a highly potent and untraceable poison. Tsunade and her team had removed the poison from Iruka’s body, but the damage to his leg was not fixable with chakra, not even katsuyu, so his healing would have to be slow and natural. There was no telling how long Iruka would be in the hospital, or in pain, or needing to use a cane, or anything else.
Knowing that this one thing was actually not his fault did not make any difference. Kakashi still felt like the whole thing was because of his actions. If he had just moved quicker, if he had just paid more attention to where Iruka was, if he had just… done things differently-better, this wouldn’t have happened.
The same could be said of the mission. If he had just stayed on task and hadn’t let his feelings get in the way, everything would be fine right now.
He missed Iruka terribly. It had only been three days, but Iruka’s absence had left a hole in The Copy Nin’s heart. Another piece of him lost. Another mistake to add to his list of failures.
Well, Kakashi thought, at least it was merely a mistake and not another name on the memorial stone.
Then, as if his thoughts had summoned him, the door opened and Iruka entered the room. He walked slowly, cane in hand, favoring his injured leg. His face was pale, his eyes heavily lidded above dark circles. When he saw Kakashi, he stopped.
Kakashi’s breath caught. He had wanted to see Iruka so badly, but now that he was there, in front of him, The Copy Nin didn’t know what to say.
Iruka shifted his weight, or tried to, and pulled absently at the bottom of his flack vest.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey,” Kakashi pushed that single word past a very dry throat.
Moving again, Iruka came and sat beside him. He was ridged, tense, and he clasped his hands tightly in his lap.
“How are you doing?” Kakashi pushed the words past his lips.
Iruka shrugged his shoulders once, just a small movement, barely anything at all.
“It’s painful sometimes, but I’m not prone to dizzy spells or instant nausea anymore like I was the first few days.”
Kakashi made a sound at the back of his throat. “That’s good.”
He wanted to reach out and touch his fingers to ashen skin, run his palm over dark brown hair. His heart was aching.
“Are you nervous?” Iruka asked suddenly.
“Hm?” Kakashi asked. “Nervous?”
“About getting your memory erased?”
“Oh, that.” He had forgotten. How could he have forgotten about that? “Is that why we’re here?”
Iruka actually chuckled. “Why else would we be summoned to the Hyuuga compound?”
Oh, okay, that made sense.
It wasn’t that Kakashi had forgotten about the memory procedure, it was just that it didn’t matter to him. He had decided not to go through with it a long time ago. He had just forgotten to tell anyone important about it.
“Sensei…” he started, but then trailed off. What was he supposed to say? What could he say?
Iruka was looking at him expectantly, but he had nothing to offer, no words of comfort or assurance. Nothing except…
“I’m sorry.”
The sensei’s eyes widened. “What?”
Kakashi opened his mouth to speak, but did not get the chance to answer. The door opened and Hyuuga Ko entered.
“Kakashi-san, Iruka-sensei,” he said, “We are ready. Who would like to go first?”
Iruka looked at Kakashi, his eyes a mixture of pain, regret and something like relief.
“I will,” he said simply.
As the sensei stood, Kakashi tried to keep himself from crying out, from standing and throwing himself at Iruka’s feet. He wanted to beg forgiveness, to cry, to scream, to offer his life as payment for all the terrible things he had done.
But he did not move. He merely sat and watched Iruka’s back as the sensei made his way to the door.
When the younger man reached the threshold, he stopped, and turned back.
“Kakashi…” he said.
Trying to keep his feelings hidden, locked behind his mask and his sham of slouched posture, Kakashi choked out a soft, “Hm?”
Iruka’s eyes shone, and he spoke two words so softly Kakashi almost didn’t hear. Then he was gone.
The room was dark again, and Kakashi felt himself slip into despair. He would never be the same again. His heart was beyond broken and his spirit was crushed. He knew he was worthless and was getting exactly what he deserved as those two words hung in the air around him, like dust in a tomb.
Thank you…
Before he could be crushed under the weight of his own self-hatred, Kakashi stood and moved out the door. He left the compound; spoke to no one. Later, he would send a ninken to let Ko know he was not coming back.
* * *
Days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into a month. Kakashi went through the motions of day to day life without really living it. He woke up in the mornings, ate a light breakfast, trained, ate dinner, bathed, and then went to bed. He didn’t sleep much, lying awake long into the night, staring up at the ceiling thinking about everything and nothing all at once.
He did this same routine every day, lather, rinse, repeat. He had partitioned his mind again, just like he had every time he had lost someone, and had found a comfortable place between apathy and full-on numbness-something like an induced shock.
He had stopped going to the memorial stone.
It was not that he was ashamed, he had gone to the memorial stone and told his lost loved ones about terrible things he had done many times. They listened, and they understood. No, this time was different. This time, Kakashi didn’t want to go to the stone, because he couldn’t even bear to speak to them. Over this, they would not be so understanding, and why would they? Why should they?
Kakashi did not deserve any kind of forgiveness, especially from those he had already let down so profoundly.
And so he moved through the days like a living dead thing. Not really tasting food, not really focusing on training. Not really sleeping. Not really breathing.
When Tsunade handed him a mission to Earth retrieving a rare summoning scroll, Kakashi had taken it without a word. She had looked at him carefully over the rim of her coffee cup, eyes level, not giving him even an idea of what she was thinking. Not that he cared.
She knew he had not gone through with the memory wipe. She was the only one besides Hyuuga Ko, but thankfully, neither of them had said anything about it to him. Ko was never around to speak to him anyway, and Tsunade knew when to push and when to keep her distance. Good thing, as Kakashi was sure he wouldn’t have been able to actually form his thoughts into coherent sentences in the first place.
The mission was simple. It had been labeled an A rank because the information was sensitive in nature, but the mission itself was D. Kakashi was barely even awake for most of it.
Coming back into Konoha, it struck The Copy Nin that he was going to have to turn in his mission report after giving Tsunade the scroll. The thought gave him a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach but he took a few deep breaths and chided himself for how melodramatic he was being. There was a chance Iruka might not even be on duty.
He avoided probing eyes as he dropped his satchel on the Hogake’s desk and left without a word. When he reached the mission room, he heard laughter, the sounds of familiar voices. He briefly considered leaving and dropping off the report on his way to training in the morning, but his common sense reminded him about the melodrama. If he put it off now, he would just keep putting it off until he never did it and would end up getting written up.
Just get in and get it over with.
It was Kotetsu and Isumo’s voices he had heard. The two chunin were standing at the desk chuckling over God knows what, and Aoba was lounging on one of the couches against the far wall. Heads turned when Kakashi rounded the corner, and Kotetsu was the first to greet him.
“Kakashi-san, hey! How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”
While Izumo waved and Aoba nodded from his perch on the couch, Kakashi found himself slipping into a practiced feign of nonchalance. It soothed him, how easy it was to fall back into such a stance, even with the storm of emotions pressing at everything behind his ribcage.
“Mah, well, you know,” he murmured and pushed his hands into his pockets, “Old ladies in the road, cats in trees and such.”
“Haha, it’s that some kind of a code for reading porn?”
Kakashi squinted his visible eye in a way that made it look like we was smiling.
“Maybe.”
A head of dark brown hair peered around Izumo and Kakashi’s heart stopped. It made sense really, his luck had run out weeks ago, why should it be any different now?
“Hey, Kakashi-san.”
Time away from Iruka had not lessened the impact the younger man had on him. The Copy Nin stood in the doorway, frozen, panicked over what he should do or say. How was he supposed to act?
“Um, Kakashi-san, do you have a report? Or is there something else I can do for you?” Dark eyes regarded him with fondness. No trace of hurt or anger or disappointment clouded that gaze as the smile on Iruka’s lips widened.
It hurt so much to see the sensei like that, unaware, blissfully ignorant of everything that was tearing Kakashi apart inside. Iruka had no idea what the man standing before him was really like, what he had done. Unguarded and unprotected, Iruka just sat, smiling, waiting for his friend and colleague to come closer and conduct business like any other day.
Kakashi forced his legs to move, for his feet to carry him across the mission room floor towards the desk. Kotetsu and Izumo moved aside to make room for him as he took the report from the front pocket of his flack vest and unfolded it.
“Good evening, Iruka-sensei,” he said quietly. “How’d you get stuck pulling mission desk duty on a Friday night?”
To his surprise, Iruka chuckled.
“It’s Saturday, Kakashi-san.”
The Copy Nin felt heat on his neck, but thankfully his mask still knew how to do its job.
“Right, right.”
Taking Kakashi’s report, Iruka smoothed it out on the desk and started looking it over. “Well, I’m basically the best and volunteer,” he said as he read. The two chunin standing behind Kakashi snickered.
“Anyway, it’s not a big deal, I’m off in five minutes. Kotetsu is taking over for me.” He grabbed the stamp from the desk tray and completed the report before putting it on a stack of similar-looking paperwork. When he looked up, he was still smiling, still friendly. It was not until that moment that Kakashi realized he had been waiting for Iruka’s cheer to run out and those eyes would no longer smile at him.
“What are you going to do with your freedom?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka shrugged. “I might meet up with Genma and some others. They’re heading to Yakiniku Q later, or maybe they’re already there. And possibly drunk.”
“Hm,” Kakashi hummed. His hands were firmly back in his pockets. “Well, enjoy your downtime.”
He turned from the desk and nodded to Kotetsu and Izumo as he started towards the exit.
“Do you want to come with us?” Iruka asked, stopping Kakashi in his tracks. “Aoba is coming too, drinks are half off.”
Kakashi felt on the verge of both laughing and crying at the same time. One of those seemed appropriate, he just wasn’t sure which was actually trying to push up past his throat.
“Ah, no that’s okay, Iruka-sensei. Groups of people plus drinking really isn’t my scene. I think I’m just gonna get some dinner and go home.”
“How about ramen, then?”
Kakashi stood frozen yet again. Iruka sat at the desk, arms folded on the worn wood, his head cocked to the side playfully, and his smile soft and welcoming. This was the old Iruka, the one he had come to respect and admire. He had been missing this Iruka while he watched the one he had created fall apart before his eyes. He didn’t deserve this Iruka. He didn’t even deserve to speak to this Iruka.
“What do you say, Kakashi-san? My treat.”
Say no. Say no. Say no. Say no.
“Yeah, sure. Let me change and I’ll meet you at Ichiraku.”
The sensei’s smiled widened and Kakashi had to escape before he lost control. This was not a good idea. What was he even thinking?
As he moved down the hall, he heard a shuffle and then laughter. “Holy shit, Iruka-kun. Did you just ask Hatake Kakashi out on a date?”
“No!” Iruka growled back. “Shut up, Aoba, you wouldn’t know a friendly gesture if it punched you in the face!”
Kakashi made it back to his apartment in record time. He pushed everything out of his head as he unlocked the door. Tossing his pack and flack vest on the floor, he shed his clothes and headed straight to the bathroom. After the fastest shower in history, The Copy Nin toweled off and grabbed a clean uniform. His shoes and vest were a little dirty but it wasn’t too obnoxious, so he pulled them back on and shoved his hitai-ate over his left eye. The air was cool in his damp hair but he paid it no mind as he locked his door and reset the traps.
What was he thinking? It didn’t matter. In truth, he wasn’t thinking at all. He was still heartbroken, still overwhelmingly lonely. All he wanted was to be near Iruka, to talk to him, listen to his voice. He didn’t care that it wouldn’t mean what he wanted it to mean. He didn’t care that it most definitely would not last. Just being with the sensei for a few hours, maybe it would ease his hurt, make things a little more bearable.
* * *
The town was still alive with activity, even after the sun had set. Though most of the shops had already closed, villagers still roamed, hanging together in small groups, talking and laughing. Families passed beneath him as Kakashi leapt from rooftop to rooftop, still partitioned to feel and think about nothing. He knew if he started to think, he would talk himself out of this. And if he let himself feel, then he really would just fall apart.
He dropped from the roof to the ground across the street from Ichiraku and paused. He could see through the break in the curtain. Iruka was already there, sitting on one of the worn, wooden stools, smiling and talking to the girl behind the counter. He seemed happy, relaxed.
This was his last chance. Kakashi knew that he could turn around now, go back home and go to bed, leave Iruka to eat alone. The sensei would be annoyed at Kakashi standing him up, but mere annoyance did not compare to the potential damage Kakashi could do if he actually walked the twenty or so feet into the shop. All he had to do was turn around and walk the other way. Just let it go. Go home.
The curtain parted under his fingers and he squinted against the light inside the shop. The owner saw him first and welcomed him, a smile lighting up his kind, elderly features. Iruka turned and smiled as well, motioning to the seat next to him.
“I had this terrible feeling that you were going to stand me up,” Iruka said as Kakashi sat.
The Copy Nin made a quiet noise, “I almost did.”
Pulling an overdramatic face, Iruka clicked his tongue like Kakashi had seen him do to Naruto a thousand times.
“Wow, rude! You’d rather sit at home and read your porn than have free ramen?”
Kakashi chuckled a little, mostly because the situation he was in was so absurd. “No, but my bed was tempting.”
Iruka’s features immediately softened. “Oh, I’m sorry, Kakashi-san. I didn’t mean to make you come out when you were so tired. You just came back from a mission, I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, sensei, it’s fine. I’m hungry and tired. Both of those things need fixing.”
Iruka’s smile returned a little and his eyes grew warmer as the two of them ordered. After Ayame moved away to start preparing their bowls, Kakashi let his eyes wander over to Iruka’s hands, his torso, and then his face. He watched as the younger man fidgeted in his seat, the skin around his scar reddening. It was charming, and terrible.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka started, “I am sorry for being so insistent about taking you out tonight.”
“Really, sensei, it’s okay. I’m not-”
“No, no, wait,” Iruka held up his hand, “it’s not… I mean, I’ve been trying to figure out how to speak to you for a month.”
Kakashi felt as if his lungs had fallen into his stomach. A month? Wait, what? What was Iruka talking about? How did he know? Did he remember? Had he not gotten his memory erased?
“It must be strange for you too, right, Kakashi-san?”
The Copy Nin swallowed past a throat that felt like it was full of sand. “I’m… not sure what you mean. Can you… clarify?”
“Uh,” the sensei looked away again, his hands smoothing over his thighs nervously, “I mean, the mystery mission we went on together last month. I… obviously it was S ranked or extremely sensitive or something. I mean it had to be since we can’t remember, but… I can’t figure out why it was me. What the hell could I have to offer on something like that?”
Slowly, the air returned to Kakashi’s lungs. Iruka did not remember, he was just curious as to what it was that had taken up several weeks of his life that he could not recall.
Understandable.
Shrugging, Kakashi played the nonchalant card yet again. “We probably joined a circus or something.”
The look Iruka gave him almost made the Copy Nin laugh.
“I’m serious,” Kakashi said. “We were probably performers or something. Tight-rope walkers or fire-eating dancers. I’m guessing we had to infiltrate a dog-fighting crime ring. And when I say ‘dog-fighting’ I mean ‘dog-faced people fighting’.”
Iruka’s teeth shone as his smile stretched to his cheeks. He was fighting back a laugh as Kakashi spoke, his face getting redder and redder by the moment.
“Oh God, I hope not,” he laughed.
“That’s some embarrassing shit,” Kakashi murmured. “I would definitely get my memory erased after that.”
“That still doesn’t explain why I was chosen to go with you.”
Kakashi shrugged again. “That prankster I keep hearing that you were? Perfect background for a circus clown. I mean come on, this all makes sense to me, keep up, sensei.”
Their ramen came out, colorful and steaming, and Iruka covered his laugh with his fingers as he tried to regain some composure. They ate slowly, bouncing ideas back and forth of what their mystery mission might have entailed, and then drank sake and spoke of other things. Naruto, the mission room, dealing with Tsunade on her bad days. It was sweet and simple and everything Kakashi had imagined it would be, so when the shop’s lights started to dim, The Copy Nin felt himself slipping back into the quiet despair he had become so accustomed to over the last month.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said as they stood outside the curtain.
“Hm?”
“Can we do this again?” The sensei’s voice was quiet, uncertain. “Sit and talk for a little while, I mean?”
Kakashi watched the younger man as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He seemed nervous, embarrassed even. The Copy Nin’s felt his chest growing tight with all the feelings that had suddenly reared their ugly heads. They piled up against the wall he had carefully constructed for himself. His protection. It was crumbling.
When Iruka was not met with an answer, his eyes lifted to meet Kakashi’s. They were sad and lonely, lost. It tore at The Copy Nin’s heart.
“I’m sorry,” Iruka said, “I’m being way too forward and rude. It’s just that I don’t think I thought about how difficult this would be to cope with when I agreed to the memory wipe. When I talk with you about it though… it helps.”
The sensei took a breath, his eyes dropping to the ground again.
“I don’t… you don’t have to, I was just… it’s okay. Nevermind.”
“Yes.”
Iruka froze mid-step. He had started to walk away, but Kakashi’s words had halted him. The sensei’s eyes returned to meet Kakashi’s gaze and they held there, bright and cautious.
“Yes?” he asked.
Kakashi nodded. His insides churned and his senses screamed at him, but his heart was winning this battle. There was nothing the rest of him could do about it.
“It makes me feel better too.”
The smile that broke out over Iruka’s face was so bright, for a moment Kakashi felt blinded. The sensei bounced once on his heels, a gesture that Kakashi found almost painfully attractive, and then bowed his head.
“Great. Thank you, Kakashi-san. I guess I’ll… see you later?”
Kakashi nodded again and stood watching Iruka’s back as he headed down the street.
What he had said was not a lie. Being with Iruka did make him feel better, but Kakashi also understood that this bit of relief, this small happiness he was getting, would no doubt have severe consequences.
* * *
They went to dinner again after Iruka’s shift ended at the beginning of the week, and then met up for lunch two days later. Their respective schedules were easy to work around, Iruka taught classes in the mornings, and worked the mission desk Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings.
Kakashi, on the other hand, could just make time whenever he wanted. Besides train, The Copy Nin only had a few minor duties. He watched jounin initiations once in a while, and occasionally conducted an inspection of new ANBU recruits. This left him free almost all of the time.
It was not a good thing.
His common sense kept trying to think of ways to keep himself busy. Applying for an actual trainer position or volunteering for a mission, he even considered putting himself on gate guard rotation or bodyguard duty, but his heart sabotaged the plans every time. What if Iruka wanted to meet up? What if he had time that evening and wanted to go have dinner again? What if he was stressed after teaching all those kids and needed to vent? Needed to talk?
And so Kakashi kept himself available, and would always manage to be around the mission room or the lobby of the Hokage tower at the same time Iruka was, or he would be walking down a busy street where Iruka just happened to be shopping.
He didn’t care if he was being obvious, Iruka had told him that talking with him made dealing with the memory wipe easier.
Kakashi could justify it that way. He was helping Iruka feel better. He owed the sensei at least that much, right?
After another lunch on Saturday, and then dinner again on Sunday, Kakashi waited a few days before trying again. Tonight was Wednesday, mission desk. Iruka had been saying something about organizing files or some kind of paperwork that he needed to do, so Kakashi had stopped by in case Iruka needed… help.
The room was relatively empty, save for a chunin sweeping the floor. Kakashi poked his head in and waved to her.
“Hey, have you seen Iruka-sensei?”
The girl stared at him for a moment, but managed to regain her composure and point in a vaguely western direction.
“He’s in records.”
“Thanks,” Kakashi said, and moved down the hall.
The door to records was open slightly, and Kakashi could hear someone inside moving around, sneezing, and mumbling under his breath. The Copy Nin’s heart sped up as he recognized Iruka’s deep timbre, and he nudged the door open with the toe of his sandal.
“God, fucking, damnit,” Iruka muttered under his breath, and dropped a box on top of another box. “This is going to take weeks!”
“What is?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka whirled around, eyes wide and face red. Sweat beaded on his neck and darkened the hair at the base of his skull. “Oh! Kakashi-san! Hi, sorry, this is… God, it’s such a mess!”
Kakashi tried not to think about how good the sensei looked at that moment, but the thoughts came unbidden and refused to leave. Arousal coiled in the pit of his gut and it made him sick to his stomach.
“I volunteered for this stupid thing, but I had no idea there was this much! I am screwed.”
“What exactly are you doing?” Kakashi asked.
Iruka motioned to the boxes, “Uh, long story short: reviews are coming up, they gave me a list of chunin, it’s long, and it’s going to take two trips. Sad story is sad.”
“Two trips to where?”
Dark eyes flickered up to Kakashi’s face. “My house. I’m not sitting here in this dusty office reading in the semi-dark. If I have to do this, I’m going to do it on my couch, with adequate light, and probably in my pajamas.”
Kakashi nodded, a small smile tugging at his masked lips. “Do you want help?”
There was a moment when Kakashi was almost sure Iruka was going to say no. The sensei’s eyes darkened, and his posture tensed for a fraction of a moment, but then it passed. The sensei’s features softened and he smiled.
“You okay with coming over to my house?”
Kakashi shrugged, “It’s your house. Are you okay with it?”
The sensei nodded, almost frantically.
“Yes.”
Nodding, Kakashi bent and picked up one of the boxes.
“Okay, load me up then.”
* * *
Three hours later, both shinobi were sitting in the middle of Iruka’s cluttered living room, papers and files sat in piles surrounding them on the carpet, and two empty cups plus a finished pot of tea sat on the table to their left.
“I just can’t believe you’ve never had a pet,” Kakashi murmured. “That’s so upsetting.”
“It’s not that I’ve never wanted one thought,” Iruka said as he scanned another file, “I’m just so busy all the time that I feel I wouldn’t be able to take proper care of it.”
“You could get a cat. Cats are independent and mostly clean.”
He saw Iruka look up at him in his peripheral.
“I thought you were a dog person, Kakashi-san.”
Kakashi nodded. “I am, I love dogs. That doesn’t mean I don’t like cats too.”
Iruka hummed and closed the file in his hands.
“More tea,” he said before standing, grabbing the pot from the table, and moving into the kitchen.
Kakashi watched him go, his eyes lingering on the sensei’s ass as it pulled at the fabric of his uniform pants. He was so handsome, so sexy. How was he still single?
Arousal returned in full force and pooled in Kakashi’s gut, tightening his groin, making it hard to breathe. What was he doing here? What did he think was going to happen? What could he do but say goodnight and go back to his own apartment to lay awake in his bed all night and pine over a man that he should not ever be with?
He knew he was only making things worse. Why he had ever thought this was a good idea, was beyond his understanding.
Okay, he could be honest with himself. Kakashi had never thought that this was a good idea. He had known from the beginning, he just hadn’t listened.
Better end it now and start volunteering for missions. That would be the best for everyone.
Standing, Kakashi moved towards the kitchen, thinking of how he was going to word what he needed to say as he rounded the corner of the threshold. He opened his mouth to speak, but at the last moment he collided with Iruka’s solid frame. Iruka’s arms came up in surprise, their hips met for a fraction of a moment, and their mouths came within inches of actually brushing.
The sensei’s sharp inhale was almost as surprising as the collision, and Kakashi took one unsteady step back. Iruka was not so lucky, he moved back, but misjudged the distance between himself and the counter. His thigh hit the corner of an open drawer, and Iruka’s sharp cry of pain echoed through the small space.
“Oh shit!”
“Iruka-sensei!” Kakashi moved to steady the younger man. “Are you all right?”
Hissing air in through his teeth, Iruka nodded, his hand moving to rub circles into his thigh. It was directly over where he had received the poison burn one month ago.
“Damn,” Kakashi murmured as he helped Iruka to one of the kitchen chairs, “that still hasn’t healed?”
Iruka shook his head. “It’s mostly better, I get twinges every now and then but they’re not bad. Knocking it around like that though, it’s like an instant nausea button.”
Kakashi straightened, folding his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry, Iruka-sensei. Do you need anything? Ice? Heat? What did Tsunade tell you to do?”
Iruka shook his head again. “There’s not much to do except wait for it to pass. You could finish making the tea though, that would help.” He managed a smile.
The Copy Nin nodded and moved to the sink where Iruka had filled the kettle. The stove was on, so he lifted the kettle and was about to place it on the burner when Iruka spoke softly.
“Kakashi…”
“Hm?” Kakashi hummed.
The sensei’s eyes were searching the floor and his hands were clasped together in his lap. Something about his posture, about the look in his eyes, startled Kakashi into stillness. There was something terribly wrong.
“Iruka-sensei?” he said, his voice was dry.
“How did you know about the injury?”
“What?” Kakashi’s heart sped up. What did that mean?
Iruka turned to look at him then, his eyes were wide, and his breathing was shallow and quicker that it had been moments ago.
“How… how do you know about the injury? On my leg? How could you know about that?”
Kakashi gripped the kettle in his hands like it was some kind of lifeline. Like it was something from keeping him from falling through the floor, spiraling out of focus and out of control.
“I don’t know what you mean, sensei. It’s in the mission report-”
“-It is not in the mission report.” Iruka’s voice was still soft, but it had taken on a slightly hysteric undertone. “I’ve read the mission report a hundred times, it says nothing about any kind of injury. To either of us. Tsunade-san had me going in for injections three times a week up until a few days ago so I wouldn’t limp. She and I are the only people who know about it, there’s absolutely no one else. So how do you know?”
“I uh…” the world was crashing down around him. That control he had managed to build around himself was coming down fast. His walls were breaking apart as he stood under that dark and intense gaze.
Standing, Iruka moved across the wooden floor and stood inches away from where Kakashi held the kettle in trembling hands.
“You didn’t get your memory erased, did you?” he asked, and when Kakashi didn’t respond he continued, “Why? Why would you do something like that?”
It was not the words, but the tone of Iruka’s voice that cut at Kakashi’s heart like knives. How was he supposed to tell Iruka that he had not gone through with it because he wanted to remember his mistakes? So he could feel the pain and the regret of his actions because he deserved to be ashamed. Because he had done something so terribly wrong and he didn’t deserve to forget it.
Kakashi slowly put the kettle down on a cold burner and turned off the hot one. He shoved his hands into his pockets and turned his body to face Iruka fully. He couldn’t make himself say those things. He couldn’t find it in himself to explain because then Iruka would know. He would know. So he grit his teeth, planning on telling a lie, something that would make sense, something like it had to do with the mission and it was orders.
But what came out was something from deep inside. Something he had known from the very beginning. Something he could not escape from.
“Because, Iruka-sensei… I’m a monster.”
Iruka’s eyes widened at that. His posture which had been defensive only moments ago, changed. He straightened, blinking, as if caught off guard.
“What?” he whispered.
Obito’s eye was crying, soaking the fabric of his hitai-ate and the top of his mask. His chest hurt like someone had broken all of his ribs.
“I did horrible things on the mission, Iruka-sensei. So many stupid, terrible things. You wouldn’t understand.”
Kakashi found his lungs suddenly working harder to take in a breath. Iruka was watching him with an unreadable expression. His eyes were dark, thoughtful, penetrating as they looked over his face, his hair. It was gentle, but that seemed to only break Kakashi’s heart more.
“You’re right,” Iruka said softly, “I don’t understand. Because if you’re a monster, then I’m a monster too.”
Kakashi stilled, held his breath.
“What?”
Iruka closed his eyes for a few long moments, and when he opened them he looked at Kakashi through a mix of pain, longing, and complete and utter despair.
“Kakashi-san, I didn’t get my memory erased either.”
Time stood still for several moments. Kakashi stood unmoving, unblinking as he searched Iruka’s face. His heart had stopped beating. He still couldn’t breathe. Was this really happening? Why the hell was this happening? What was going on?
“Sensei…” Kakashi choked out, “Why? Why would you do that? Why would you want to remember any of that?”
The tension seemed to drain from Iruka’s stance and his features once again grew soft. No, perhaps it was defeated.
“That night… the night that you took care of me, I just couldn’t let it go.”
Kakashi’s head was pounding. “I still don’t understand.”
“Understand what?” Iruka leaned against the counter, he was trembling. “That I used the mission to have sex with you? That I enjoyed the things we did while you were focused on being a good teacher?”
He couldn’t look at Iruka anymore, his heart hurt too much, his head hurt too much. Kakashi’s gaze dropped to the floor and he steadied himself on the edge of the countertop.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said softly, “do you not understand that I love you?”
This was beyond worse than Kakashi had ever expected. What had happened to twist Iruka like this? How could this have gotten to this point?
“Shit…” Kakashi breathed. “Sensei you don’t… Fuck, I’m so sorry. I should get you back to the Hyuuga and get your memory erased. What I did to you fucked you up. What you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s warped and-”
Pain exploded in his chest and he went flying backwards into the wall. His head and shoulders hit hard, dazing him for a moment. Iruka was on him instantly, hands twisted into the front of his flak jacket. When Kakashi looked up in surprise, he found the sensei red with rage, his teeth bared.
“How dare you. Hatake Kakashi, you do not get to tell me how I feel. Do you understand?” The sensei snarled into his face, his fury surrounded The Copy Nin like a jutsu. “You selfish bastard! You have no idea! No fucking idea!”
As Iruka pushed him against the wall, as the sensei’s rage pinned him where he was, choking the fight out of him, wrapping a strong hold around his heart and his mind, Kakashi felt something inside him finally break. The pieces of himself started to fall away, leaving nothing but a terrifying sadness, deeper than the despair he had grown so familiar with. It was swallowing him up, eating him alive. It was so dark and frightening. So cold.
“I’m sorry…” he said softly, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry for what I did to you, sensei. I’m sorry…”
“What?” he heard Iruka’s voice but it was far away.
Kakashi’s legs buckled and he slid to the floor. He sat with his legs on either side of Iruka’s knees, the fight was gone. He didn’t know how to feel anymore.
“I have to atone. I have to feel the guilt...”
Iruka’s hands had left his vest and were touching his hair, his shoulders. “Kakashi-san, what are you talking about?”
“I wanted you so bad, sensei. I didn’t care about anything else. I used the situation. You couldn’t say no because they were listening and I’m so sorry, I’m sorry-”
“-Kakashi-san, stop.” He felt Iruka’s hands on his hitai-ate, pulling it from his forehead, and then cool air on his lips as the sensei tugged his mask down to his neck.
“What kind of person rapes their subordinate using the mission as an excuse? What kind of person does that make me? What kind of shinobi am I?”
“Oh my God… Is that really what you’ve been thinking all this time?”
He didn’t want to look up, but Iruka took his chin in his fingers and made The Copy Nin meet his eyes. There was compassion there, worry, love, all the things that Kakashi did not deserve.
Tears blurred his vision. His breath was coming in choked sobs as he pleaded in a strangled voice.
“Don’t love me, sensei. Please don’t. I would probably make the same mistakes again if I had the chance. Stay away from me.”
But Iruka was not listening to him. The sensei had Kakashi’s face in his hands, he was pressed up tight against the jounin’s chest, trembling, but strong. Iruka was so solid and so warm that Kakashi wanted nothing at that moment but to melt right into the other man’s body and forget everything.
“Oh, Kakashi-san,” Iruka’s voice was soft, “I had no idea. I can’t believe… you should have said something. You poor thing, I’m so sorry.”
“Iruka…” Kakashi moaned, not even sure what he wanted to say.
The sensei continued to stroke Kakashi’s face and slide fingers through his hair as he spoke. “Listen to me, Kakashi-san. I have loved you for years. For years. I had to work so hard to get on that mission. I had to swallow every bit of my pride and beg the Hogake to let me go. I didn’t care what kind of shit I had to go through, I didn’t care what I had to do, all I wanted was a chance to be with you. There is no way that you forced me, I would have gladly done anything and everything you asked me to, without question.”
Kakashi shook his head, not believing a word. There was no way.
“Kakashi-san!” Iruka’s voice was harsh, commanding, and Kakashi froze, his churning insides tensing.
“You think I couldn’t have gotten myself out of that situation? You think I wouldn’t have been able to tease my way out of having sex right before a performance? That’s insulting. You did not rape me.”
Kakashi shook his head again.
“Kakashi-san, say it. You did not rape me.”
More tears spilled from Kakashi’s eyes and over Iruka’s fingers. The Copy Nin opened his mouth to obey, but his common sense stopped him once again. This couldn’t be real, could it?
“Kakashi-san, you will not move from this spot unless you listen. I will make sure you rot here if you don’t say it: You did not rape me.”
Trembling, heart pounding, Kakashi opened his mouth again.
“I didn’t rape you.”
“Good, say it again.”
Kakashi breathed in deeply. “I didn’t rape you.”
Iruka nodded. “Good, one more time.”
“I…” Kakashi’s voice caught but he swallowed and tried again. “I didn’t rape you.”
Iruka nodded. “Okay, that was good. Now, come with me.”
In a daze, Kakashi let Iruka help him to his feet. They made their way down the hall and into the bathroom. For a moment, when Iruka started to undress him, Kakashi thought about fighting it. However, he managed to stand pliant while the sensei took off his clothes and sit him down on the bench. The hot water felt good on his skin. He had a silly image in his head where his transgressions had manifested as buildup on his skin but they were washed away down the drain as Iruka cleaned him, rubbing soapy circles into his sore muscles. He closed his eyes in careful, desperate pleasure when the sensei’s dull fingernails scratched his scalp and washed his hair.
After rinsing, Iruka guided him to the tub and helped him settle back against the wall. Kakashi closed his eyes and after an immeasurable amount of time passed, he felt Iruka sliding into the water in front of him.
Opening the one grey eye, he met the sensei’s gaze. It was tentative, but also loving and warm. Kakashi was very warm at the moment.
It dawned on Kakashi then what was happening. He was on the receiving end of true aftercare. This had never happened before. The people that had tried to dominate him in the past had been relatively kind after their scenes, but because none of them had ever truly dominated Kakashi, they were never adequately equipped to care for him. This was one of the reasons Kakashi had taken great pains to learn to properly recover his subs.
Now, as his body and his mind started to recover, he was able to come up out of that dark place he had fallen into and could appreciate what Iruka was doing for him. Never before had such attention been focused on his healing and his healing alone. It was incredible. Iruka had taken control as Kakashi had broken down, then he had calmed him, washed him, and was now sitting, waiting patiently to see if there was anything else he could do.
He was so fucking perfect. How could Kakashi not love this man?
“I would tell you I’m sorry, but I’m worried you might be tired of hearing that.”
Iruka smiled softly. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. We’re both at fault for the things that happened. We were stupid and selfish, but we still completed the mission. Fai and Kuro are safe, and the drug ring has been all but eradicated.”
“Are they here?” Kakashi asked, “Fai and Kuro, I mean?”
Iruka nodded. “Do you want to see them?”
“Yes.”
“I can take you tomorrow, if you want.”
Kakashi sighed and lifted a hand to run over Iruka’s calf. “Yes, I would like that very much.”
Iruka’s gaze drifted over Kakashi’s face, down his neck, and over his shoulders. “You know, I can be here for you, like this. You said you don’t live this lifestyle anymore, but once in a while, after missions or whatever, when you need it…”
Kakashi shook his head, the threat of tears pushing at the backs of his eyes. “No, I don’t want that with you.”
Hurt flashed across Iruka’s face and he murmured, “Oh, okay. I understand.”
Kakashi immediately regretted his choice of words. “No, shit,” he tried to move but his fatigue was more than just emotional, “I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”
“How did you mean it?” Iruka asked, his eyes lidded.
Kakashi took a breath. “I mean that I don’t want an occasional thing with you, Iruka-sensei. I want to be with you all the time.”
Iruka’s eyes widened and immediately filled with tears. He clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle a quiet “oh my God” and then pressed both palms into this eyes. “Sh…shit…” he murmured wetly, shaking with sobs and laughter at the same time. Kakashi reached out his hand to touch the sensei’s arm gently, and he younger man uncurled himself and slid across Kakashi’s lap. He wrapped himself around The Copy Nin’s body, one knee on either side of Kakashi’s thighs, and held him tight.
He whispered against the jounin’s temple, “Kakashi-san, do you love me?”
“Yes,” Kakashi said without hesitation. “Yes, I love you.”
Iruka pulled back so he could splay his fingers across Kakashi’s cheeks. He ghosted his lips across Kakashi’s and breathed heavily into his mouth.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he whispered, “It’s a like a dream.”
Kakashi slid shaking hands up smooth thighs and gripped strong, tanned hips. “You’re so perfect Iruka-sensei, I don’t even understand how you’re real.”
Iruka kissed him then, his tongue slid into Kakashi’s mouth and he groaned, low and deep in his throat. His length pressed hard and anxious into Kakashi’s stomach, making the older man shiver with anticipation and need.
“The first time you touched me,” Iruka said between kisses, “when you slid the cock ring on, I thought I was going to die. Fuck, that first time was so incredible. Your hands and your voice, oh God, your voice.”
Kakashi was overwhelmed. There were so many places to touch, so many kisses to catch up on, so much skin to drag his lips over and caress.
“I thought you hated it, you seemed so upset afterwards.”
Iruka shook his head and kissed him again. “I was angry at myself for enjoying it so much. You were so professional so I thought I was making you angry.”
“No,” Kakashi managed to sit up and wrap his arms around Iruka’s waist, “hell no. I wanted to comfort you so badly. I wanted to take you back to the hotel and do it again. I swear I was anything but professional, sensei.”
“Call me Iruka,” he panted, “please.”
“Iruka…” Kakashi said softly.
As he slid his hands up into Kakashi’s hair, Iruka whispered, “Eventually, I want talk about everything. I want to know what you were thinking during the mission, and I want you to know how I was feeling.” He kissed The Copy Nin’s lips again. “But right now I want something else.”
Kakashi trembled violently and his heart beat so hard he was sure the sensei could hear it.
“What do you want?”
“I want you to lie back and put your hands on the edge of the tub.”
Kakashi obeyed without hesitation. He leaned back, resting his back against the smooth porcelain, and lifted his hands. When he wrapped his fingers around the tub’s edges, he asked, “Like this?”
“Yes,” Iruka whispered. “Now, keep them there.”
Kakashi writhed as the sensei ground his hips down. When Iruka licked and kissed his way up his neck, the jounin groaned softly and let his head fall back. He felt helpless as Iruka touched every part of him with his fingers and with his tongue, but he also felt safe, comforted, loved. It was all so unexpected, so unbelievable that when Iruka lowered himself to the water and took Kakashi’s length in his mouth, The Copy Nin felt the tears return and trickle down from the corners of his eyes. He arched hard as the sensei sucked him under the water and stroked him with strong hands. It felt so good, so terribly good.
The tension coiled in his loins, pressure built and pleasure started to crest. He felt himself on the verge of coming, his toes curled and his thighs squeezed Iruka’s torso.
“Ah,” he gasped, “yes…”
Then it stopped. Iruka slid off his erection and lifted himself from the water, breathing heavily and pulling his wet hair back from his face.
“No, no, don’t stop,” Kakashi begged, “Please don’t stop, Iruka, I’m so close.”
“I know,” the sensei said softly, leaning in for another long, amazing kiss. He climbed back into Kakashi’s lap, rolling his hips, teasing the jounin’s aching cock with every move. “Calm down, get it under control, I’m not done yet.”
Kakashi clenched his jaw against another soft moan and closed his eyes. He could do it. He could do it for Iruka, if Iruka wanted him to.
“Okay…” he whispered, “Okay, do what you want. I won’t come.”
Iruka ground down again and nipped at Kakashi’s bottom lip. “You promise?”
“Yes,” Kakashi whispered, “Shit, I mean I’ll try. I’ll fucking try...”
“Good boy,” Iruka said as he lifted himself up, putting his weight on Kakashi’s shoulder. The jounin felt the sensei’s fingers on his length, guiding him, and then he was sliding inside. There was warmth, so much hotter than the water surrounding him, and there was softness, and Iruka’s hands on his face, Iruka’s lips on his skin. He arched again and moaned softly as Iruka sank down on him completely. He was delirious with pleasure, high on being at Iruka’s mercy. All he wanted was to grip those amazing hips and thrust up into the sensei until he passed out. It wouldn’t take much, he was so close.
“Iruka,” he growled against the sensei’s chest, “please may I touch you. Please let me hold you.”
“No,” Iruka said as he started to move. Slow, powerful rolls of his hips that sent Kakashi’s head spinning. “Not yet. Show me you can do as I say when it’s not a mission.”
It was excruciating, not being able to touch; not being able to participate beyond his cock sliding in and out of heaven at an almost painfully slow pace. He grunted in pleasure, in frustration, his loins ached in want of release but he held on. He held desperately to the edges of the tub as Iruka fucked him so slow, so lovingly, it started to mend his heart and break it all over again at the same time.
“Kakashi-san,” Iruka said, his voice breathless, “tell me you love me. Say it again.”
He was trembling under Iruka’s weight, shaking beneath all that power and strength, that amazing sexuality he had seen again and again. It was all directed at him now, there was no audience, no mission, just Iruka and is love and his passion.
“I love you.”
Iruka came in close and panted in his ear. “My name, Kakashi-san. Say it with my name.”
“I love you, Iruka.”
He felt the catch in Iruka’s breathing, the sob that wracked his frame but came out silently. Kakashi couldn’t hold out anymore, he was at his limit.
“Iruka,” he begged again, “Iruka, please. Let me hold you, please.”
The sensei put one hand on the edge of the tub and the other pumped himself roughly as he sped up his movements. “Ah, yeah do it. I’m coming.”
Kakashi sat up, his hands moving to Iruka’s hips. He thrust a handful of times before the noises Iruka was making set him off. He came so hard he saw stars on the edges of his blacked-out vision. He moaned into the sensei’s neck, pulsing into that amazing body. And then, when what little strength he had left him, he melted into Iruka’s shaking embrace.
“…you…” Iruka was whispering against his cheek, “I love you… I love you…”
They stayed that way for a long time, long after the water cooled and goosebumps broke out across their skin. Neither of them wanted to move, to break the moment. However, when Kakashi started to shiver, Iruka pulled away and climbed out, coaxing The Copy Nin out after him. He toweled them dry, and led Kakashi to the bedroom. The bed was soft and the blankets were warm. Kakashi stretched out on his side and breathed in the sweet smell of Iruka’s shampoo as he watched the sensei turn out all the lights and then slide into bed next to him. He wanted to say so many things, he wanted to tell the sensei what it meant-what being here in his bed meant, but Kakashi was so tired. He felt he had never been this tired before in his life, not even after almost dying.
When Iruka took him in his arms, Kakashi relaxed against the sensei’s chest, closed his eyes, and drifted off into sleep within seconds.
TBC
On to part 2 >>
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