I'll keep you all updated.
I know you're all DYING to know, and even if you aren't, don't read this. Fine. I just need SOMEWHERE to vent; SOMEONE to talk to. Seeing as I really don't have many friends these days, LJ will have to do. So I am awake now, still in the same mindset I was last night, though articulating my thoughts much more clearly since I'm not overcome with exhaustion at this point, thanks to a good night's sleep...Good-what the fuck was so good about it? Absolutely nothing. It was most definitely the worst day of my life and today is no looking to good either; or tomorrow for that matter. Well, all I can say in retrospect, is that hindsight is 20/20, and no matter how much you may want something, always listen to your heart. I should have, but I didn't. I tried to think my way out of it. Tried to delude myself into thinking things would be different this time around; and tell myself that I was being stupid for worrying. Do not underestimate the power of your instincts. Also, ALWAYS listen to your friends. No matter how clearly you may THINK you're thinking, and no matter how mature you may THINK you're being about the situation, if it's you that's doing the thinking there is somewhat of a conflict of interest. Friends can be unbiased, completely objective spectators of other people's follies; it's like they're on a ladder and can see much further than you can, or perhaps they're further back and can see the bigger picture you are unable to see because you are so wrapped up in it. Whichever it is, they weren't trying to sabotage my happiness, but merely preserve it. They tried to save the one ounce of ambition and will and happiness I had left-the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, and there was so little left, that that itself was a struggle-from being completely taken away. And they failed. Miserably. And now I have nothing. No girl, no band, no people who I really want to call my good friends (there are a very select few, but they can only do so much), and last of all, no ambition. I feel numb. I AM numb. I don't want to heal, or to rekindle friendships. or play music, or go to school. I don't want to meet someone else. I don't want to feel happy. But then again, I don't NOT want to do those things. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stop. To cease. To sleep. To never feel again and to never look back and miss it. I have no will to do anything at all, and I don't even want to have that will back. Fuck it. I seriously give up. Maybe I am being an "emo-kid" as a certain name-caller once so immaturely put it, but I don't care to change that, or to stay the same. The way I look at life is this: There is no God, therefore existence is absurd. There is no good or bad. They are one in the same. Do one, and you're doing the other. It's so absurd, it doesn't even fucking matter. So, fuck all. And fuck me for being such a goddam pussy that I'll probably resign to the fate of living the rest of my life in misery, because I am well aware of the fact that I am bringing this on myself, and that I am the one who is making life this way, because there is no such thing as a fate. One cannot resign to a fate because there are no fates to resign to. We are responsible for our own actions in life, and therefore our own consequences. I'm well aware of the fact that I've NO ONE to blame for this but myself. And I like this self torture. F. Scott Fitzgerald said it best in "This Side of Paradise", when he clearly defined the difference between a romantic and a sentimentalist. Sentimentalists hope through everything that things will work out, even if they ARE doomed, the sentimentalist is incapable of seeing that. Romantics, on the other hand, deep down, hope to hell that things WON'T last. I think deep down I knew it wouldn't last, and know that I could have stopped it. I think deep down I WANTED it to end this way, just so I could have something to bitch about. Some reason to feel like this. I seriously fucking enjoy it.