It has been awhile. Have you missed me?
What has happen in June, July and half of August? You know... I couldn't really tell you. I'd have to look at our calendar. We survived whatever life threw at us, I guess. Celebrated the good, worked through the bad. ::shrug:: I wish I could say more, but I find myself in this bipolar world. I am everywhere and no where; I am paralyzed and sprinting; I am doing everything and absolutely nothing; I am head-back, belly laughing and in a corner, ugly crying.
It makes every day extremely exhausting. Float through the day, numb to every expectation, and end the day heavy with guilt and anxiety. Race through the day, handling all the business, and end the day falling asleep before my daughter's bedtime. There seems to be no happy medium, no way to truly juggle all the things. I am either all in or tapped out.
I feel like it is affecting every facet of my life. I am no longer a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good adult. Instead of striving to be these things, I have to hope my base-line version of myself is enough. I fear it isn't. I don't have enough patience, I don't give enough affection, I don't give thanks enough, I don't lend a hand enough, I don't offer anything to the group, I don't see the all the details, I don't handle enough responsibility.
The world around us throws two very different ideals at you:
- Be perfect, together, with it, in every aspect of your life, showing everyone that you've got this life shit down
- Eff 'em, you do you
I don't have enough energy to be the first, and feel too much pressure to be the second.
If I were a light switch, it feels like someone is holding me right between on and off. And it really shouldn't be that way. The switch should be side-to-side, not up-and-down, because one option means I am either/or, while the other means I am good/bad. I guess, if I want my switch to be "you do you", I have to accept what that looks like. Am I okay with re-setting my own expectations? Can I understand that that might feel like I am doing "less", but actually means I am still doing enough?
More than anything, if I move my switch, then I want there to be a good reason. Currently, I simply don't have one.
the end?
It makes every day extremely exhausting. Float through the day, numb to every expectation, and end the day heavy with guilt and anxiety. Race through the day, handling all the business, and end the day falling asleep before my daughter's bedtime. There seems to be no happy medium, no way to truly juggle all the things. I am either all in or tapped out.
I feel like it is affecting every facet of my life. I am no longer a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good adult. Instead of striving to be these things, I have to hope my base-line version of myself is enough. I fear it isn't. I don't have enough patience, I don't give enough affection, I don't give thanks enough, I don't lend a hand enough, I don't offer anything to the group, I don't see the all the details, I don't handle enough responsibility.
The world around us throws two very different ideals at you:
- Be perfect, together, with it, in every aspect of your life, showing everyone that you've got this life shit down
- Eff 'em, you do you
I don't have enough energy to be the first, and feel too much pressure to be the second.
If I were a light switch, it feels like someone is holding me right between on and off. And it really shouldn't be that way. The switch should be side-to-side, not up-and-down, because one option means I am either/or, while the other means I am good/bad. I guess, if I want my switch to be "you do you", I have to accept what that looks like. Am I okay with re-setting my own expectations? Can I understand that that might feel like I am doing "less", but actually means I am still doing enough?
More than anything, if I move my switch, then I want there to be a good reason. Currently, I simply don't have one.
the end?