CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in
the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror
Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 4295 8.03
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 4923 7.74
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 3076 7.61
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 236 7.54
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 4777 7.5
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 4901 7.5
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 1928 7.48
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.” 85 7.48
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 3061 7.44
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 4903 7.44
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4533 7.42
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky". 155 7.38
Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making contact with someone's face. 52 7.37
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 4639 7.34
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 50 7.34
Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they realize it was indeed their own fucking fault for whatever happened and they apologize. 142 7.34
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 4047 7.33
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 5053 7.32
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 662 7.3
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. 1000 7.3
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 3531 7.28
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 3991 7.28
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 2910 7.27
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 3959 7.27
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. 1867 7.25
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 4066 7.24
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 2885 7.21
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. 1829 7.2
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 3780 7.19
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.
chuck norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.
When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a fucking indian.
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in
the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror
Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 4295 8.03
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 4923 7.74
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 3076 7.61
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. 236 7.54
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 4777 7.5
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 4901 7.5
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 1928 7.48
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.” 85 7.48
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 3061 7.44
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 4903 7.44
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4533 7.42
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky". 155 7.38
Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making contact with someone's face. 52 7.37
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 4639 7.34
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. 50 7.34
Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they realize it was indeed their own fucking fault for whatever happened and they apologize. 142 7.34
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 4047 7.33
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 5053 7.32
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. 662 7.3
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. 1000 7.3
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 3531 7.28
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 3991 7.28
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 2910 7.27
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 3959 7.27
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. 1867 7.25
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 4066 7.24
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 2885 7.21
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. 1829 7.2
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. 3780 7.19
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.
chuck norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.
When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a fucking indian.