My Side Of The Story
I contemplated for a long time whether I should write this entry or not; the "explanation entry." At first, I wasn't going to even touch this situation anymore. I was just going to let people think what they wanted to think and leave well enough alone. But now, I'm not so sure. I don't need to get into specifics or anything, but my side of the story is something that should be known to everyone, just so everyone's not thinking too subjectively. I'm not trying to discredit anyone or make myself look better; I just want to fill in the holes in the stories that you all know.
First off, I am (or rather, was) sorry. I made my apology, and I didn't expect it to be taken, but I didn't expect for it to be thrown violently back in my face. Not saying that it shouldn't have been, but because the apology is back in my hands, I don't really feel like I have a reason to be sorry anymore.
I'm not going to drown myself in the guilt that I've been drowning myself in for the last three years everytime I think about Andrea. Situations were completely different, and my opinions of the two people affected are radically different. Also, my state of mind was different. With Andrea/Danny, I was mentally sound. With this situation, I was not.
I was torn up about my break-up. Completely. I was not in a reasonable state of mind until at least two months afterwards, and maybe not even then. I should have been more aware of this fact, but everything seems logical to you when you're that fucked up. All your actions seem correct. It's only later, when you think about them that you realise what you're doing is wrong.
With the Andrea/Danny situation, I knew perfectly well that what I was doing was wrong and inescusable. With this present one, I...don't know. It's hard to describe. It's not that you don't know it's wrong, but you somehow reason to yourself that it doesn't matter. Or something like that. I don't know; I can't put myself into that state of mind again.
My apology only goes out to Simone. Despite popular opinion that my apology should be extended to others "involved," I don't think it should. This situation, in terms of me, involves only me, Mikel, and Simone. That's it. In terms of the others involved, it may involve other parties, but I, personally, have not wronged anyone other than Simone.
Without being mean or harsh, I do want to say that I do not feel like I'm in Simone's debt nor do I feel that I owe her anything. I think the way she found out (which, if you don't know, was by hacking into my private journal and breaking the passwords to entries that were locked) does not justify me to feel that I owe her something. Yes, I feel like I will always and forever owe Andrea, but there's lots of differences that are irrelevant and don't need to be discussed.
I'm not stupid; I did learn from the first time I committed this crime, but I have to further emphasize that I was in no state of mind to make important decisions. At that point in time, I would have done anything just to feel better. Anything. There's not too many people that I would have spared. I took the break-up that badly. My history teacher, Mr. Madnikoff, suggested I should go seek therapy. However, family expenses and my desire to show my mother that I was ok made that option impossible.
And just to get the facts straight, Mikel and I are not together. Just off the record, because I know some of you are running around with that idea in your head.
Speaking of the "relationship" between Mikel and I, I feel like I should also mention another big thing; intention. I did not intend to "steal" Simone's boyfriend from her, and though it looks like I may be a reason that they broke up, I'm not. Honestly, I just happened to be the one that was there when he first started playing with the idea of it. But it's really not a personal thing; it could have been any other girl. Our relationship was purely physical, with a lot of feeling sorry for ourselves. But there were never intentions to be a couple or get together or any of that. I thought there were for a time, yes, but once again, my state of mind wasn't completely rational and I didn't read things correctly. Only now, when I look back at those things, do I see that I took them the wrong way.
And this is my side of the story. Be angry at me, don't be angry at me, whatever. I don't know if I care too much anymore. I made a mistake. I know that. I've apologized to the people that deserved apologies. I've done my part, and there's nothing much left to do except wait for time to pass so this can be behind us and all that good stuff.
Love to all. No really, I do mean that. Even to the people that want to kill me.
And as for this journal, watch out for rare updates consisting of two sentences that just have things that I think sound cool. I can say that this is the end and blah blah blah, but you all know that'd be a lie. :)
First off, I am (or rather, was) sorry. I made my apology, and I didn't expect it to be taken, but I didn't expect for it to be thrown violently back in my face. Not saying that it shouldn't have been, but because the apology is back in my hands, I don't really feel like I have a reason to be sorry anymore.
I'm not going to drown myself in the guilt that I've been drowning myself in for the last three years everytime I think about Andrea. Situations were completely different, and my opinions of the two people affected are radically different. Also, my state of mind was different. With Andrea/Danny, I was mentally sound. With this situation, I was not.
I was torn up about my break-up. Completely. I was not in a reasonable state of mind until at least two months afterwards, and maybe not even then. I should have been more aware of this fact, but everything seems logical to you when you're that fucked up. All your actions seem correct. It's only later, when you think about them that you realise what you're doing is wrong.
With the Andrea/Danny situation, I knew perfectly well that what I was doing was wrong and inescusable. With this present one, I...don't know. It's hard to describe. It's not that you don't know it's wrong, but you somehow reason to yourself that it doesn't matter. Or something like that. I don't know; I can't put myself into that state of mind again.
My apology only goes out to Simone. Despite popular opinion that my apology should be extended to others "involved," I don't think it should. This situation, in terms of me, involves only me, Mikel, and Simone. That's it. In terms of the others involved, it may involve other parties, but I, personally, have not wronged anyone other than Simone.
Without being mean or harsh, I do want to say that I do not feel like I'm in Simone's debt nor do I feel that I owe her anything. I think the way she found out (which, if you don't know, was by hacking into my private journal and breaking the passwords to entries that were locked) does not justify me to feel that I owe her something. Yes, I feel like I will always and forever owe Andrea, but there's lots of differences that are irrelevant and don't need to be discussed.
I'm not stupid; I did learn from the first time I committed this crime, but I have to further emphasize that I was in no state of mind to make important decisions. At that point in time, I would have done anything just to feel better. Anything. There's not too many people that I would have spared. I took the break-up that badly. My history teacher, Mr. Madnikoff, suggested I should go seek therapy. However, family expenses and my desire to show my mother that I was ok made that option impossible.
And just to get the facts straight, Mikel and I are not together. Just off the record, because I know some of you are running around with that idea in your head.
Speaking of the "relationship" between Mikel and I, I feel like I should also mention another big thing; intention. I did not intend to "steal" Simone's boyfriend from her, and though it looks like I may be a reason that they broke up, I'm not. Honestly, I just happened to be the one that was there when he first started playing with the idea of it. But it's really not a personal thing; it could have been any other girl. Our relationship was purely physical, with a lot of feeling sorry for ourselves. But there were never intentions to be a couple or get together or any of that. I thought there were for a time, yes, but once again, my state of mind wasn't completely rational and I didn't read things correctly. Only now, when I look back at those things, do I see that I took them the wrong way.
And this is my side of the story. Be angry at me, don't be angry at me, whatever. I don't know if I care too much anymore. I made a mistake. I know that. I've apologized to the people that deserved apologies. I've done my part, and there's nothing much left to do except wait for time to pass so this can be behind us and all that good stuff.
Love to all. No really, I do mean that. Even to the people that want to kill me.
And as for this journal, watch out for rare updates consisting of two sentences that just have things that I think sound cool. I can say that this is the end and blah blah blah, but you all know that'd be a lie. :)