Escape Route 5/?
Author: stargeek101
Beta: tiro_muser360
Overall Rating: PG13 with fluctuations
Summary: Geir Zahl struggles through his faith and sexuality as he tries to make it through his final year at an all boys school in Bergen.
Pairing: Geir/Janove
Feedback: Makes me dance like Helge listening to Psycho Under Min Hatt
Overall Warnings: Language, sexual themes, violence, alcohol/drug abuse, suicide attempt
Disclaimers: Geir, Jan, Janove, Christer and Terje are the only ones whose whole names are used (I don't own them,) but most of the OCs are named after various Norwegian and Swedish peeps. I do not own the music mentioned throughout the story. The title is from Frightened Rabbit's song of the same name (don't own that either ;))
Notes: I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO PUT UP! I did have the excuse of Writer's block for a while, but I'm afraid that that just turned into me being lazy and not even opening the document to even look at it. This chapter's a little longer than the others, and the next one's been finished for ages (though I may add a but to it now.) So... I hope you can forgive me :)
His sleep is restless as he rolls around in his sheets. His cheeks are pink and sweaty as he's worried about what his brother's response might be to the letter he quickly put together and sent a couple days before. Had he said the right things? Did it sound like he was as ashamed as he is? His hair is knotting from his movements, and he groans as a gentle hand brushes through it.
"Geir?" His mother bends down, running her fingers along his back, trying to soothe away his dreams. "Hey honey, are you ok?"
The boy sucks in a deep breath through his nose, groaning again in protest of being woken up. "What time is it?"
"It's nine thirty." She smiles faintly. "And it's Christmas morning."
"Five more minutes?" He complains, pressing his face in his pillow and squeezing his eyes shut.
"Geir, I saw Malin's mom last night. She told me what happened."
He tenses at this. How can she know? Surely Malin wouldn't have said anything. Would she? Why would she do that? How much did she say?
"I'm really shocked that Malin friend zoned you. She looked like she was really into the relationship, but I suppose you've been friends much longer than you had been a couple. Sometimes it's hard to change what you're used to. I'm a little disappointed you didn't tell me though. Are you ok?"
Lifting his head back up, he chances a look into his mother's eyes. She honestly isn't aware of the true reason behind his split up, or the fact that he's questioning his sexual beliefs. The fact that he's 80% convinced the devil himself has gotten hold of him. He can't be sure yet, of course, but part of him knows anyway. He shakes his head, staying silent and avoiding, at all cost, any deeper dialogue in the conversation.
"Oh Geir," his mother sighs, motioning with her hands for him to sit up and accept a hug. "It's ok. Most first loves don't last. It was nice while it happened, and I'm sure you'll stay friends for a long time. It'll all be ok."
Geir nods, twisting around and unwillingly accepting the hug. While he might not need it for the reasons she expects, the gesture means more to him than he could say.
"We should do something to take your mind off of it all. Have some mother-son bonding. We haven't done anything in such a long time, and what a better day than today?"
"If it involves baking and aprons, you can count me out." He glares at the woman, remembering past experiences with great disgust.
"No." She frowns. "I haven't got the ingredients for anything nice and the shops are all closed. I was thinking more along the lines of a movie. An old classic. I've got a feeling I know just the one for you." She taps his nose, tisking as he flicks her hand away.
"Fine." He pushes himself off the bed, scratching at his cheek. "I'll be there in a few minutes.
Ida claps her hands, smiling like this is all she needs to have the perfect Christmas. "I'll go put it on." She jumps up and exits the room, leaving her son to stretch and yawn and wonder what else he'll do with the rest of his winter holidays.
Geir walks around his room for a minute, stretching his arms behind his back. Finally he decides emptying his bladder would be more productive, then perhaps, he thinks, joining his mother on the couch for whatever pick of movie she's chosen this year. Hopefully it isn't Miracle on 34th Street again. Geir's grown tired of watching a little girl being convinced that Santa Clause is real. Or worse yet, if he has to watch Flåklypa Grand Prix for the billionth Christmas in a row, he will cry himself to sleep tonight.
Sitting on the couch with a huff, Geir reaches for a handful of red, white and green jellybeans on the coffee table. "What's for breakfast?" He looks to his left, intending to get a view out the window, but finding it blocked with the Advent Star instead. He turns back to the jellybeans.
"Not candy." Ida smirks, peering out from inside the kitchen. "I've made eggs and bread."
"Do we have any eggnog left or did Dad drink it all?"
"We have plenty left, Geir. Would you like some?"
"Yes." He nudges into the pillows on the couch, trying to not fall asleep again, yet still stay comfortable. He watches lazily as the TV displays previews for a bunch of movies that came out three years ago. All in American English too, he notes with a small smile. "This isn't Miracle on 34th Street again, is it?"
"Stop whining, of course it isn't. That's Jan's movie. I think he even took it with him to watch with his girlfriend. We're going to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life'. Geir, if you're going to grumble the whole time, I will pull out the aprons and find something to bake."
Begrudgingly, Geir sits up and makes room for his mother to sit down. She sets down a glass and plate, nodding towards it, implying that Geir may start eating without her. She stands up again, fetching her own food. He slips a forkful of scrambled egg into his mouth, sighing into the taste with a small smile. Ida returns, shoving her son over to fit her feet on the couch as well.
A large bell dings as it swings back and forth on the screen, fading out as the intro music begins to play, instead, displaying the credits beautifully painted on sheets of paper that are lifted away to produce more names. As the credits end, the screen reveals a black and white town, snow drifting to the streets as numerous voices express their concern and love for a Mister Bailey. Suddenly the houses disappear and a black and white view of the Universe shows up.
Geir pulls his legs up to his chest, balancing his plate atop his knees. He watches the television with interest as a couple galaxies begin talking to each other. This definitely isn't the stereotypical Christmas tale he was expecting. After a minute or two, the galaxies stop speaking with each other, as the movie fades into the subject they had brought up. A snowy day, somewhere in the United States, with a bunch of children sledding down a hill and over a pond. Geir thinks he's going to like this movie.
It's twenty minutes later that Geir finds his mind wandering. He's back to thinking about what he and Malin had spoken about a couple days ago. She told him to explore his feelings, and maybe sneak a glance at some people. Obviously he'd turned that down. What kind of an idiot would do that when he's already got people shoving him around? But, he thinks, what if he were to look at some fictional people? This George Bailey character's got some really attractive features. He's dressed in a strange set of clothes, but Geir thinks that has something to do with him having fallen into a pool under the gymnasium floor during a school dance. He looks then to Mary, a pretty woman in a dirty, white robe. He tries his hardest to think of her in a romantic way, but he can't. He can only tell that she is attractive, no more than that. But this George, he can pick out numerous things he likes about him. The way his jaw is shaped, and the straightness of his nose. Hell, his upper body and chest is what Geir likes the most. The shape comes out nicely with the stripes on the football shirt he's wearing.
"You ok?" His mother asks, having noticed the way he's fidgeting next to her. "You look rather nervous."
Geir flicks his eyes from the screen, blinking a few times and trying his best poker face. "No, everything's fine. Nothing's wrong."
She frowns, clearly seeing through her son's efforts. "Is it Malin? Is the movie not distracting enough? Would you like to talk about it?"
"No, I'm fine. The movie's good." He turns back to face the television, hoping his mother will drop the subject and leave him alone. He breathes a sigh of relief when she does.
He doesn't understand what he's missed this time, but now the character of Mary has disappeared and George is holding the bathrobe in his hands with a very concerned look upon his face. Geir smiles and wonders if the woman is naked somewhere. Then he pictures George naked, still holding the white robe in his strong hands. Geir's smile falters, turning into a quivering frown as he quickly reaches for a pillow to throw over his lap. He closes his eyes, trying to think of something different. Something less wrong. His efforts prove futile however, and he has to excuse himself.
"Where are you going?" Ida asks, watching her son bolt out of the room.
Geir doesn't so much as turn his head in her direction. He takes the shortest route possible back to his bedroom, stepping over the coffee table and running down the hall. He turns into his room, slamming the door louder than necessary and sliding down it until his bum settles on his carpeted floor. With a shaky sigh, Geir tries not to cry.
The truth of his sexuality has hit him overwhelmingly fast and he wonders why he never saw signs of it before. Maybe he could have prevented himself from turning out this way, or prepared himself at least. Maybe he would have been better at hiding it, rather than getting boners on his couch to old black and white footage of a man who is likely dead now.
He jumps slightly as the door pushes against him. His body gets in the way of it opening and his mother kindly asks him to move. He shakes his head and mumbles that he will not.
"Geir, love, what's wrong? If you need to talk about Malin I-"
"It's not about fucking Malin!"
Ida drops her hand from the metal knob, looking down and resting her forehead on the cold wood of the door. "Geir," she breathes, trying to ignore his foul language. "Is it about your father? You know he would be here today, but he felt that we already celebrated Christmas when Jan was over. The good fishing area's will be empty, so he and Christer took the bull by the horns. He'll be back this evening though, and the three of us can gorge on lutefisk. I know you like lutefisk."
Geir buries his face between his arms and knees. Maybe he shouldn't let his mom believe he's upset that the family's not together for Christmas. It wouldn't exactly be very fair. That'd only make her feel like things are her fault, when in reality it's Geir who's to blame for all the problems.
"Maybe I could take you there to fish with him. Would you like that? He wanted to take you, but I thought you needed your sleep." Ida pushes on the door again, giving up when it still won't budge. "Come on. Grab your coat and gloves, and I'll take you to join him."
"I don't want to go out."
"Well, what do you want? You need to talk to me if you want help, Geir."
"I can't."
His mother sighs, much louder this time, and he can hear it through the door. "You can't tell me what? Spit it out. I'll find out sooner or later."
"Yeah, I'd prefer the later."
Geir hears his mother turn and slowly walk away. Quietly, she mumbles about Jan never being so difficult when he was seventeen years old. Geir closes his eyes, pinching them as tight as he can. He kicks his leg out and slams his dresser hard against the wall. "Jan this, Jan that. Be more like your brother, Geir. Dress like your brother, Geir. Jan's so successful. Jan's got a girlfriend, a job and respect. All I've got are fucking drinking problems, bruises and homosexuality issues!" He screams the last word, kicking again and falling to his side to cry on the floor.
His mother tries not to listen from the living room, wincing when the house shakes from Geir's foot against his dresser. She sits on the couch, movie paused before her, and pulls at her hair. She feels completely helpless and alone, dealing with something way out of her hands, especially when her son won't even talk to her.
---
"Hello?"
"Malin!" Geir shouts through the receiver with a hoarse voice. "I need to see you."
"Now? Why?"
"I need to talk to you. I have no one else to talk to."
"Can't we just do it on the phone? It's Christmas. I can't just leave the house."
"Oh, I forgot. My whole Christmas has been messed, since Jan had to go to New York. I have nothing to do. I just... I don't want mom overhearing. She's been trying to spend every second with me today, but I had a bit of a fight with her, and she's been really quiet and distant since. She's probably also upset that dad went fishing with Mr. Knutsen. On today of all days."
"Hold on." Malin puts her phone down on the counter and walks away. Geir hears her talking to someone, but can't make out the words. Suddenly the girl returns, startling Geir and causing him to tug on the chord of his own phone. "I have a couple hours tomorrow. I'll meet you down at the rink at eleven."
"Awesome, thanks."
---
Tying his skates on, Geir sits in the snow. His tongue sticks out in concentration as he tightens the laces. Twist under, pull tight, loop, wrap, loop through, pull tight, fix length and repeat on the other foot.
"Hey!" He shouts in angered surprise, cold snow running down the back of his neck and trailing down the inside of his shirt.
"Sorry." Malin giggles, dodging the snowball he throws back at her. "You missed." She sticks out her tongue and wiggles her fingers around.
Geir smiles and stands up. "You know I'll get you for it later."
"Oh, I'm sure you will." She holds out a hand, helping Geir to his feet. "Hey, you got new skates. They're pretty nice."
He looks down, inspecting them. "Yeah, they were Jan's, but he outgrew them so fast, so my mom kept them for me. Oh he sent me a letter back."
"What's it say?"
"I don't know yet. I'm too nervous to open it. But it's part of the reason I wanted to see you. Well, it only came in the mail today, but you know what I mean."
"Ok?"
"I did what you told me to do. To, you know, explore."
Malin blinks, staring dumbfounded at the boy next to her. "That was fast. You went out and got yourself a boyfriend?"
"No! No, I haven't even told anyone. Only you. I was just watching a movie with mom, and I was thinking about what you'd said, and then I realized that James Stewart is really, really handsome and Donna Reed is really, really beautiful; except, I felt something for James that I didn't feel for Donna. I wanted to picture him naked or something. And then I did. Then I had to leave the room, because... yeah."
"I have no idea who those people are." She frowns. Geir quiet mumbles that he hadn't been able to sleep, so he'd studied the VHS case for a couple hours. Not that one can learn much after five minutes of looking at the coloured cardboard. "But I'm glad you've calmed down about the whole issue. I told you, it's not so bad."
"It was awful! My mom had no idea what was wrong. She was really worried, thinking that I was just upset about the break-up. Can you imagine her fright if she knew the truth?"
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. You know, you've been really awful to me lately. Can you stop and take a minute to realize that maybe one of us did actually want to be in that relationship?"
Geir looks down, watching the lines in the ice from other local's blades. "Sorry."
"Yes, because I know you're going through something, and for some reason you're finding it hard. I mean, I understand your fears, however they are slightly exaggerated. But Geir, you can't just treat what we had with such a blind eye, because we are two different people and our opinions seem to be against each other on it."
He mumbles an apology again. "Do you want to talk about that or...?"
"I don't know what there is to talk about. You're generally a nice person, you're kind of cute, our opinions are mostly the same, mostly, and the only downside I can see to your revelation is that it means you are forever out of bounds. I don't see anything other than that, nor should I."
He blushes, looking up at Malin with sparkling eyes. "You're too good to me. Really, you are."
"I know. You owe me so many orders of fish and chips now, it's not even funny."
"Yeah, when I get some kind of income." He grins, twisting around so he's skating backwards. "Dad says he might have some connections at the university for me. In the bookstore or something."
"Hey, that's awesome! I hope you get it." The girl does a twirl, lifting one leg into the air and smiling.
---
"Geir! Your poor mother! You better apologize to her when you get home. And I don't mean a simple 'sorry mom.' I mean, you go cook her dinner and buy her earrings and stuff. You have such a wonderful mom, and she really doesn't deserve you throwing temper tantrums because you can't have your way with yourself. So what if you got a bit of a boner while watching a movie. You could have told her you were feeling sick or something. You could have said it was all the jelly beans, because I know you had some, don't even try to deny it."
"I know! I know. I feel really bad. I've calmed down a lot now. I just felt really pressured to tell her, but I'm not ready to. And then she mumbled that I wasn't like Jan, and I hate it when she does that, because it just makes me feel like such a failure."
"You know she doesn't mean it like that. You and your brother have always been different. She's just comparing you to Jan because that's the only parenting experience she's had before you. She only knows what it was like to raise Jan as a teenager, and you're not him, or even remotely close, and she has to learn all over again how to mother her child."
"You're too wise, you know. It's kind of freaky."
"I'll take that as a compliment." She grins, tapping Geir's shoulder. "Hey, what does Jan's letter say?"
Geir's mouth forms an 'o' shape as she reminds him of the envelope in his bag. He pulls the paper out, sliding his thumb between the folds to rip it open. He pulls out the folded piece of paper, noting the blue ink on it. Suddenly he hands it to Malin. "I'm too nervous to read it."
The girl shakes her head. "It's not for me, you can do it."
Geir's fingers tremble slightly as he unfolds the page. He almost reads it aloud, but changes his mind. The note goes as follows: Too sexy for your love, huh? I always knew you were a girl at heart. Just keep your tushy off the catwalk, yeah?
Geir lets out half a laugh before passing the page to Malin. "I don't understand it. Why can't he ever just speak properly? Is this supposed to be supportive? It can't be. He's upset, right? He called me a girl."
Malin looks over the paper a couple times, trying to make sense of the words. "I don't know. It sounds more like he's using humour to joke it off. I don't understand his references, but..."
"Keep my tushy off the catwalk? What does that even mean?"
"I don't know. I don't know. Geir!" Malin calls after him, but the boy just skates away, waving an arm to indicate he'd prefer she doesn't follow him.
---
Geir's packing up his skates when he's hit in the side of the head with a particularly painful snowball. He growls, throwing a hand over the sore spot. "Ow, Malin! That one had rocks in it." He shouts, turning his head to face the girl who'd snuck up on him, however he's not met with Malin, but with Sven and Tor."
"We heard about your little break-up," Tor says, cupping more icy snow in his gloved hands.
"So what's the deal pussy?"
Geir blinks, completely flabbergasted. "How do you know?"
"Shut up!" Tor throws his seasonal weapon, hitting Geir's cheek with a stinging blow. "No secrets are safe in a small town. We all know why it happened."
Sven circles around Geir, pushing him down from behind. The brunette stumbles into the snow, glaring up at Tor. He's then kicked in the back, completely in shock at the laughing devils around him.
"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Sven chuckles darkly. "You're a fucking faggot! I've been going to school with you for my whole life. I've got your contaminated faggy grub on me. I don't think that's very fair of you. No one gave you the right to perv on us."
Geir simply moans in pain on the ground as Sven walks back around to his front and bends over to his face. "If we so much as catch you glancing in our direction, you're going to get a beating you'll never forget." He spits in the brunette's face, laughing at the contorted expression that appears. "Why don't you just kill yourself?"
Geir nods. He can do that. Maybe. If it spares him this torture.
Both boys kick him again, wiping the wind out of him, then run away, leaving Geir to cough and splutter in the cold. After a couple minutes of lying still, he pulls his frozen body off the ground. He slowly and painfully makes his way back home.
"I slipped, Mom. I'm sorry," Geir rehearses his lie as he walks up Helleveien, back to his home. He's decided that he's not going to let the fight get to him. He's grown up enough for that. "Oh, don't be sorry Geir. It happens. Come on, let's get you washed up and warm." He sighs, swinging an arm through the air. "Mom, I'm fine. There's no need to pester me." He swings a hip out, smacking his lips and putting on his best motherly voice. "Oh sweetie, when did you grow up? Remember when you used to snuggle up with me, and actually finish movies. Oh well, go on. Do your business."
"What are you doing?" His father startles him, coming up from behind.
"N-nothing..."
"Uhuh, right. I'm sure Ida would love your impression of her." Anton begins a laugh, then notices a dark bruise and slight scratching under his son's right eye. "Geir, have you been in a fight?"
"No, I uh, I fell. You know, on the ice." The brunette tries to cover his face with his hand. "It's just a scratch."
"Who were you fighting with?"
"No one. It was nothing."
Anton reaches for his son's shoulder and pulls him to a halt. "Look at me when I'm talking to you. Now, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but this lying has got to stop. The late nights, the fights, the attitude you've been pulling. I don't care how old you are, it is not alright to be behaving like this. So, either you put an end to it all right now, or you fess up. Your mother and I are worried about you."
Geir takes in a shaky breath, chancing a glance at his father's eyes. He's almost caught up with the man's height and he's already got a deeper voice. His adam's apple bobs as he considers talking. "Dad, I... I will tell you, ok. But I can't right now. I just - no - I can't."
Anton frowns. "Mhm, well you get yourself in shape."
Geir nods sheepishly, pulling his skates higher on his shoulder. He opens the front door, kicking snow off his boots and entering into the warmth. He drops his bag and skates in a pile on the floor and makes to go to the washroom to clean his face off and check for bruises hidden under his clothes.
"Oh Geir!" Ida mumbles in shock, dropping her laundry and throwing a hand over her mouth. "What in God's name happened?" She expresses her worry in a soft voice, words muffled by her fingers.
"I fell on some ice walking up Helleveien?" He realizes that his lie sounds completely false and inserts, "Dad saw it." He nods expectantly at his father as his mother turns her attention to him.
"Geir, that's enough. I didn't see anything that happened, but this seems to be the story he's sticking with. Frankly I don't know if I should be worried more about the lies, sneaking around or the poor condition he seems to always return in." Anton crosses his arms. "I don't know what to say boy, but if you do one more thing out of line, I'm sending you off to join the army."
The brunette nods slowly, refusing to have eye contact with either of his parents. Maybe Malin was wrong for a change. Maybe Geir's fears are all justified a proper, and his parents aren't ready to hear what he needs to say. He wants to tell them, but maybe Malin's the only person who understands.
"Go to your room and clean yourself up."